did you ever…

did you ever want something so bad it hurt…

I remember the day I received an envelope in the mail and I knew it housed a response that would change my life…I held it, I shook it, I tried to peek through it…I ripped it open in front of my mother and thought I can’t read this…what if, what if it says what I don’t want to hear…trying to hone in on my psychic abilities I tried to figure out the words that I refused to see…I saw congratulations but I read we’re sorry to inform you…I was shocked…I was elated…I was stunned…my world was about to be turned upside down…and I loved it…

did you ever need something to end…

wishing, wanting, dreaming…it can’t get worse…it has to end soon right…sometimes it’s a week, sometimes it’s a day, sometimes it’s a movie, sometimes it’s a feeling and sometimes it’s a relationship…

there’s a fine line between a person trying to get themselves through the day and a person getting through the day…some days it takes putting one foot in front of the other until the sun goes down…as darkness descends upon us, we tend to hide…we tend to be allowed to hide…it’s acceptable…when the sun rises above our heads, we are expected to bounce and skip…what if we can’t bounce…what if we can’t skip…what if all we can do is hide…

did you ever wanna say leave me alone…

tormented…irritated…frustrated…exhausted…but you keep going…trying to isolate oneself is so different than being isolated…it hurts my heart when I meet someone that has no one…those of us with great families and great friends sometimes take each other for granted…why is it okay to say leave me alone when playing red rover red rover on the play ground but it’s not okay to say it as an adult…sometimes I envy the road crews that hold the stop sign…I want that sign…I want the same size one and I want to carry it with me on a daily basis…sometimes I just wanna hold that sign up high and wave it back and forth in slow motion in front of someone’s face…adults listen to stop signs right…

did you ever love something so much you couldn’t stand it…

I always thought I knew what love was…I think I was blindsided by the concept of love…I remember the first time I said it…I was on a street, fighting with the person and I screamed it out…did I do that as a way to stop the fight…did I do it to gain attention…did I do it cause I had booze in my belly and alcohol on the brain…not sure but fuck I said it…it came out and I couldn’t take it back…I close my eyes and I am back on that street, I feel the words coming off my tongue and I sense the grossness in my belly knowing what was to come with the yelling, accusing and fighting…love…hummmm…I thought that was love…I ended up loving it to the point that I hated it…like hated…like death stare hate…

and then my first nephew was born…I remember the day I landed out west…I remember the house…I remember the day…he was sleeping in his crib…I crept up the stairs as to not wake him and I snuck into the bedroom and I leaned over the crib and picked him up…a tear ran down my cheek and he vomited on me…I let the tear stream down my cheek and I let the vomit stream down my chest and I stared at him…this, I remember, this is love, the love that has no words…this is the something that I love so much that I can’t stand it…

I look at both my nephews these days and I can’t stand how adorable they are…I can’t comprehend that they’re my nephews…so cute, so adorable, so loveable and all mine…that’s a love that taught me that I hadn’t experienced love before them…

did you ever despise something so much you couldn’t stand it…

I despise mushrooms and olives and I refuse to eat them…I despise cowards and meanies and I refuse to engage with them…I despise winter and flying nature but I have to put up with them…to loathe, detest and dislike someone or something can muddle your mind…it’s enough we have to deal with foggy weather, I can’t stand to deal with a foggy mind…but sometimes, sometimes the fog lifts or you gotta learn to karate chop it out of your life…despising, loathing, detesting and disliking is not something we can do on a daily basis and be healthy…it brings about negativity and negativity does not equate health…we have to learn to accept, appreciate, and sometimes, just sometimes turn a blind eye to those that mask the genuine nature of human kind…

did you ever feel something you couldn’t define…

heavy heart…jumbled mind…achy joints…clenched jaw…throbbing head…why does it take a stranger to help us define ourselves, our feelings, our experiences…as children we rely on our parents to help us through the day…heavy heart – chocolate chip cookies…jumbled mind – hot chocolate with marshmallows…achy joints – hot bubble bath and a rubber duck…clenched jaw – chocolate chip cookies and hot chocolate with marshmallows…throbbing head – a lullaby as we lay our head to sleep…as adults – well let’s not lie – we sometimes head to the booze…but when the booze wears off the feelings come back…how do we combat the feelings we feel and can’t define…

did you ever think you’ll never get over this…

crap…fuck…damn…this will never end…it will…I promise…remembering that everyone and everything we encounter in life has an impact on us – whether positive or negative, we learn…we grow…we develop…we march on…in sickness and in health…in good times and bad times…we march on…some of us with bells on…mine’s a fucking cow bell and I’m beating the fuck out of it with every step…you’d cover your ears if you were marching next to me…

I believe in karma and I picture karma as a fucking bitch…karma is always around the corner…she’s to your right and she’s to your left…she’s in the passenger seat of your car….she’s at your kitchen counter pouring you a glass of ‘kiss my fucking ass’ – my new favourite shot – she sets it aside so you can serve it to the guest of your choice…when you stare karma in the face, she stares back and whispers softly, oh so softly, a simple ‘fuck you’…I love karma…she serves me well…

did you ever want to live your doppelgänger’s life for one day…

don’t do it…my life lesson is that there’s no better life than the one you’re living…I was told one day that someone wanted to see if the grass was greener on the other side, life was getting a little boring…that person would come back years later and said nope, it’s not…I whispered softly ‘fuck you’…experiencing shitty things can lead to pretty happy endings…

did you ever wonder where life will take you…

i read that the earth rotates on its axis once every 24 hours, so that the sun returns to the same position in the sky every day…our journey takes us to many places…it’s guides us on many adventures…it makes us embrace, experience, love, despise, yearn and feel…just like the sun, we return to the same position in our lives every day…the journey in between is what’s important…

did you ever want something so bad it hurt – I want my journey to count…