a life without goals, is a life without hope…

do you have goals…

I did a goal setting exercise today that opened my eyes…I work with a vulnerable population and I truly believe that we as humans all have goals in this life…I remember arguing one day with a pretty influential person as I was stood behind a podium… “goals”, he said, “well you have pretty big expectations”…he went on to say “what about the people that have no goals, you’re not going to work with them?”…

I paused, rage building inside me and I paused again…i opened my mouth, parked my rage and simply asked “you don’t think everyone has goals, that’s kinda sad”…I paused again, parallel parked my rage and said “in the world of recovery, we believe everyone has goals”…another influential person in the room spoke up and I thought phew, finally someone to the rescue and I heard, I kid you not “I’m curious as well about what your program does with the people who don’t have goals”…now this conversation went on for over an hour…was I satisfied how the conversation ended? NO…was I satisfied how I handled myself in the conversation? YES…

I work in an industry where burn out amongst workers is pretty darn high…I promised myself years ago that I wouldn’t allow myself to get to the point where I would lose myself in my emotions, in the stories and the hardships that I deal with on a daily basis…how have I kept this promise to myself…well I strive to challenge myself and my practice to the point that I am continually learning and continually acquiring new skills…I haven’t experienced burn out in a way that I need an out – yet…I think what I’ve been experiencing is an overwhelming passion to help progress people along their journey…I’ve become enthralled in the believe that people can change, will change and embrace change – if they want it…I’ve lost myself in a fight for progression…a fight for change…a fight for recovery…

on my professional journey of progression, change and recovery, I’ve stumbled upon my own personal hurdles…and it’s through these hurdles that I’m actually able to evaluate and reflect upon my own interactions with all those I come into contact with…with reflection and evaluation comes the willingness to learn…it’s the learning that I’m loving…it’s my willingness to be open to examine my own thoughts and feelings and get to the bottom of who I am as a person that’s allowing me to become a stronger, better connected person and a healthier communicator…

change…who struggles with change…

the influential people that challenged me in a public form, challenged me on the concept of change…the simple concept of change that was put forth to effect positive change in the people i work with…the simple concept of change that was put forth as a means to move people along their path to recovery…why are people afraid of change…why are people satisfied with status quo…I’m starting to realize that just because I love change doesn’t mean I’m going to influence others belief that status quo is good enough…I wanna scream to the top of my lungs sometimes when I see people disregard others…I wanna scream to the top of my lungs sometimes when I hear people diminish others goals and dreams…

i have worked with many people and have met many people in my life…I’ve lost count of the people that I’ve lost respect for…that’s a sad statement…but I have witnessed many a thing in my life that has impacted me as a woman, a professional, a friend, an advocate, a survivor, a family member – impacted me in a positive way no matter what the circumstances or the results…I’ve learned over the years that to experience something is truly a gift…to be given the opportunity to share in someone’s experience is priceless…I know first hand that sharing is difficult…I’ve learned through recent experiences that disclosing is hard…I’ve come to appreciate the fact that sitting in front of someone that is holding a piece of paper, asking questions and jotting down answers is daunting…yet, I do it everyday…

my own experiences in life have taught me great value…although my greatest gift to myself has come recently…this gift wasn’t wrapped in tissue paper with it’s tight corners glued together with tape…there was no gift card on my gift with a To: and From: neatly printed on the label….my gift came in the form of a hurdle…in the beginning I stared at the hurdle and thought fuck that and walked around the hurdle in an almost robot like manner…the hurdle grew…I continued to stare at the ever growing hurdle and thought I’ll never jump that son of a bitch, my knees kill me from sitting at a computer (fitness at it’s finest here)…so instead of jumping it, I ignored it…I slithered like a snake between any cracks I could fit through, sometimes getting stuck in a corner…I’d push and push and push until I’d set myself free and the hurdle grew…the hurdle grew until I couldn’t see anything beyond it…it overtook my world…the hurdle was my barrier, my problem, my issue that I allowed to impact my world…

you may ask why I would refer to this hurdle as a gift…well quite simply, this hurdle taught me to slow down…it taught me that I can’t jump without the right tools…it taught me I can’t continuously push without reevaluating why I’m pushing…it taught me that ignoring it allowed it to grow…it taught me that the more loop holes I looked for the less I would experience…my hurdle taught me that it’s okay to have a hurdle…my hurdle taught me to breath…it took me months to chip away at this hurdle – and I’m thankful for that…for if it were neatly gift wrapped, it would have taken me seconds to unravel…although I would have saved time, I would have only skimmed the surface of the gift and I would never have gotten to peel off all the layers…

is your hurdle a gift…

when I started this journey, my goal was to write…writing I thought would be therapeutic for me…why was it important to me…well I thought by writing I could begin to peel off my layers and become undone in front of an audience…more specifically I wanted to write to help myself understand that sharing is good and that through sharing, I could embrace a world that I had shut myself off from…I thought by identifying a goal that would make me embrace my fears would make me a better person, a better sister, a better friend, a better niece, a better daughter and a better advocate…

I saw a show recently where an actor said she wasn’t afraid to be naked on camera…she said that she was more fearful of climbing Mount Kilimanjaro or going to a cross fit gym than being naked on camera… i chuckled and then thought hummmm what am I afraid and not afraid of…well let me just clarify that I’m not afraid of climbing Mount Kilimanjaro or going to a cross fit gym, cause frankly never would do either cause I’d die…but honestly, when I sat down to think about writing and putting my thoughts out there, I thought to myself, what if no one reads, what if no one understands, what if no one gets me – smelling a tad bit of fear here…and then I had another light bulb moment…I think I’ve feared peeling off my layers cause I would be exposed to others…but it’s been through this exposure that I’ve been able to grow…confused yet…

facing fears dead on is impactful…identifying goals in life is difficult…when you combine the both, the results can be significant…I found that I challenge the people I work with on a daily basis…I encourage them to embrace their fears and to identify how facing their fears can be such a positive experience with amazing outcomes…I don’t think I’ve felt how hard this is until recently…when I try to explain to someone that being goal oriented is a means to an end…being goal oriented makes us get up in the morning…it makes us accountable for the life we live…now does everyone take action right away on a goal – hells no…it could take forever to achieve a goal no matter what size…it’s individually driven…it’s individually timed…as long as it a smart goal, the sky is the limit…it’s how we navigate the road that’s gonna help or hinder us…

I did a goal setting exercise today that opened my eyes…I realized that the goals that I had prioritized as number 1 really wasn’t a goal of mine, it was more of a perception of what my goal should be…I sometimes get lost in that…get lost in the idea that society has a defined image of where a woman should be at 43; what a woman should look like at 43 and what activities should be part of a routine at 43…I used to feel guilty about not achieving goals…now I’m working on making my goals – my goals…I choose meaningful, purposeful goals because that’s what’s going to motivate me…that’s what’s going to be the ‘go get’em’ goal…if I choose a goal that becomes too difficult, too hard, too – insert word here -, I make a promise to myself to reevaluate whether that goal was mine or someone else’s…I also promise myself that if I do not achieve a goal that that’s fine too…a person must fail to learn…if everything in life were easy, we would have nothing to work towards…if we take away our experience of struggle and failure, we are also taking away our experience of problem solving and learning…

i went for a walk on a beach one day and came across a sand dollar…it’s beauty struck me and i took this picture…not knowing why i was drawn to it until today…i’m realizing that life isn’t meant to be perfect…our perceptions may paint a different picture but like a sand dollar thriving in the sea, with each wave, each leap into deeper water, each tide bringing it closer to shore, we too can get broken…in a store this sand dollar would be polished and shiny just like in our minds, our lives are brighter and bigger…in reality, we need to take a step back, readjust our glasses and peer into the world as it is laid out in front of us…at first glance, this sand dollar looks flawless…take a second look – its edges are battered, its colour dulled, its fighting for light, its fighting to breathe…it’s a resemblance of my world without goals and dreams…we don’t get the option to be comfortable at all times, we will be battered at times, we will have to fight for ourselves, we will have to fight to breathe – but the fight is worth it…look at the sand dollar – it’s beauty speaks volumes to a life lived with moments of fear, a life lived with moments of struggle and more importantly a life lived with hope…

take out a piece of paper…write down a goal…write down why it’s important to you and giv’er…

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1…2…3…4…5…open your eyes…

I was introduced to a control grid this past week…at first I thought, oh seriously a grid…and then the day ended with me smiling…

I faced something this past week that was a long time coming and I felt…well angry to be honest…but I shouldn’t feel angry…I should feel happy and elated but the anger overshadowed the experience…that’s where the grid came into play…

session 2 with a therapist…I state, today I wanna discuss rage and anger issues…cause I have a lot…the therapist smiles…after some discussion, she says lets try a relaxation exercise…I laughed out loud and say sure, lets do it…as I sit with my hands on my knees, my muddled mind screams, ‘this is so fucking stupid’…my mouth forms a grin and I feel like I’m smirking as if demonstrating my opposition to how this is so not going to work on me…i start talking to myself – with my inner voice…I repeat ‘just listen to the words danielle’…’just listen to the words danielle’….’just listen, give this lady a break she’s trying to help you’ and…

1…2…3…4…5…open your eyes…

yup, I was out…

when I opened my eyes I started laughing out loud…this woman stared at me and then she smiled widely…’you my dear are what we call a zonker’…I grinned…I said ‘dude 5 more minutes and I would have been out’…she responded ‘I don’t think you needed 5 more minutes, you were out’…

what you may not know about me is that I can be hypnotized in a heart beat…now only for purely entertaining purposes have I ever volunteered for this experience…until now…as I sat in the office chair with my hands on my knees, i think I was trying to resist the voice, trying to resist the calmness, trying to resist the words that were trying to guide me into a state of relaxation…what happened was the complete opposite…I woke with a simple 1- 5 countdown and I felt silly…not silly for letting my body and mind go but silly because I thought I lost myself…more so my ability to clear my mind and simply relax…and I felt that power restored…I felt with that simple exercise a reclaiming of my sense of self…my sense of power over my mind…

have you relaxed lately…

I so haven’t…my muscles tense…my shoulders hunched…my jaw clenched…my fingers firmly tucked into a fist…my neck strained…my stomach churning and my mind chaotic…what will it take I often asked myself…but time went on and I soon forgot to ask myself that question…i no longer cared what would it take…I no longer cared about – well anything…what do you need to do for yourself, I pleaded with myself…

I thrived in my perfect world…my coping abilities, my stress free world – I bragged about it…and then boom…it took a pretty long time to break me and it happened right in front of me…I am learning to appreciate my life the more I live it…I am learning to appreciate my life the more I experience it…the experiences I can’t control but my reactions to the experiences I can…that’s the defining line between the concept of ‘can control’ and ‘can’t control’…

1…2…3…4…5…open your eyes…

have you ever had an hour, day, week, month or year of feeling ‘fuckin fuck’ – quoting my dad here…lol lol…I was trying to put my feelings into a phrase and this is the first thing that came to mind…we make fun of dad all the time when he says it and now it’s my defining phrase…oh how life is truly wonderful…okay back to the ‘fuckin fuck’ experiences…for you I’m not sure how long it was – for me it’s been 13months…

have you ever faced your enemy, your bully, your harasser, your abuser, your torment, your irritant, your nuisance…

have you ever been bullied, harassed, abused, tormented, irritated…

i have seen so much publicity on all these issues recently…whether it’s through social media, news reports or highlights in television shows – we all are aware of it…i have learned that there are the targets and there are the aggressors…I have read so much on both and I continue to understand very little…how does one become an aggressor and how does one become a target…I don’t think people will ever get their answers…I believe it happens over time…how does one stop it though…I guess that’s the million dollar question…

it doesn’t matter the experience…it doesn’t matter the details…it doesn’t matter how you got there…it doesn’t matter how much time you’ve missed…what matters is how you turn that experience into a positive outcome….what matters is how you forget the details over time…what matters is how you let go and not get buried in the why me…what matters is knowing that the time gone is in the past and knowing that the present is where you’re living today…

the control grid…

Can Control Can’t Control
Taking Action Mastery – good and powerful Spinning your wheels – frustrated
Not Taking Action Giving up – helpless and hopeless Letting go – relief

I can’t take credit for this developing this grid as it’s not mine…but it was presented to me in a way that I think will benefit others and for that purpose I will share…basically what I’ve learned and what was my defining moment this past week was the realization that I was stuck in 2 boxes that was leading me down a path of destruction of the person I claim to be and the person I strive to preserve…I was in the not taking action for the things I can control state and was feeling helpless and hopeless…and I was in the taking action for the things I can’t control state and was feeling like a hamster in a wheel – spinning out of control – frustrated…

my therapist asked me where did I want to be…of course staring blankly at a quadrant of things I know but never put into black and white, I firmly stated well obviously I wanna be in the mastery and letting go boxes…she asked why…like a school aged child she pushed me…’why danielle, why do you want to be in those two boxes’…she pressured me to lift my eyes off the page and answer her question…the helpless, hopeless, spinning my wheels person just said ‘well obviously that’s where I should be’…she cut me off ‘don’t use should in the next answer’…again ‘why do you want to be in the mastery and letting go boxes danielle’…damn her, she’s good…

my answer doesn’t matter…what matters is the realization that sitting back and waiting for motivation to knock on my door is making the helpless, hopeless, spinning my wheels part of danielle live…what matters is knowing that action comes before motivation and it’s the action phase that we must strive to achieve…with action comes change…it’s inevitable…only we have control over what we feel…others may try, may attempt to take control of what we do and influence how we feel but ultimately it’s you – what’s it going to take to gain that control back…

what’s it gonna take you to take action on the things you can control and not take action on the things you can not control…for me it took a grid…

1…2…3…4…5…open your eyes…

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did you ever…

did you ever want something so bad it hurt…

I remember the day I received an envelope in the mail and I knew it housed a response that would change my life…I held it, I shook it, I tried to peek through it…I ripped it open in front of my mother and thought I can’t read this…what if, what if it says what I don’t want to hear…trying to hone in on my psychic abilities I tried to figure out the words that I refused to see…I saw congratulations but I read we’re sorry to inform you…I was shocked…I was elated…I was stunned…my world was about to be turned upside down…and I loved it…

did you ever need something to end…

wishing, wanting, dreaming…it can’t get worse…it has to end soon right…sometimes it’s a week, sometimes it’s a day, sometimes it’s a movie, sometimes it’s a feeling and sometimes it’s a relationship…

there’s a fine line between a person trying to get themselves through the day and a person getting through the day…some days it takes putting one foot in front of the other until the sun goes down…as darkness descends upon us, we tend to hide…we tend to be allowed to hide…it’s acceptable…when the sun rises above our heads, we are expected to bounce and skip…what if we can’t bounce…what if we can’t skip…what if all we can do is hide…

did you ever wanna say leave me alone…

tormented…irritated…frustrated…exhausted…but you keep going…trying to isolate oneself is so different than being isolated…it hurts my heart when I meet someone that has no one…those of us with great families and great friends sometimes take each other for granted…why is it okay to say leave me alone when playing red rover red rover on the play ground but it’s not okay to say it as an adult…sometimes I envy the road crews that hold the stop sign…I want that sign…I want the same size one and I want to carry it with me on a daily basis…sometimes I just wanna hold that sign up high and wave it back and forth in slow motion in front of someone’s face…adults listen to stop signs right…

did you ever love something so much you couldn’t stand it…

I always thought I knew what love was…I think I was blindsided by the concept of love…I remember the first time I said it…I was on a street, fighting with the person and I screamed it out…did I do that as a way to stop the fight…did I do it to gain attention…did I do it cause I had booze in my belly and alcohol on the brain…not sure but fuck I said it…it came out and I couldn’t take it back…I close my eyes and I am back on that street, I feel the words coming off my tongue and I sense the grossness in my belly knowing what was to come with the yelling, accusing and fighting…love…hummmm…I thought that was love…I ended up loving it to the point that I hated it…like hated…like death stare hate…

and then my first nephew was born…I remember the day I landed out west…I remember the house…I remember the day…he was sleeping in his crib…I crept up the stairs as to not wake him and I snuck into the bedroom and I leaned over the crib and picked him up…a tear ran down my cheek and he vomited on me…I let the tear stream down my cheek and I let the vomit stream down my chest and I stared at him…this, I remember, this is love, the love that has no words…this is the something that I love so much that I can’t stand it…

I look at both my nephews these days and I can’t stand how adorable they are…I can’t comprehend that they’re my nephews…so cute, so adorable, so loveable and all mine…that’s a love that taught me that I hadn’t experienced love before them…

did you ever despise something so much you couldn’t stand it…

I despise mushrooms and olives and I refuse to eat them…I despise cowards and meanies and I refuse to engage with them…I despise winter and flying nature but I have to put up with them…to loathe, detest and dislike someone or something can muddle your mind…it’s enough we have to deal with foggy weather, I can’t stand to deal with a foggy mind…but sometimes, sometimes the fog lifts or you gotta learn to karate chop it out of your life…despising, loathing, detesting and disliking is not something we can do on a daily basis and be healthy…it brings about negativity and negativity does not equate health…we have to learn to accept, appreciate, and sometimes, just sometimes turn a blind eye to those that mask the genuine nature of human kind…

did you ever feel something you couldn’t define…

heavy heart…jumbled mind…achy joints…clenched jaw…throbbing head…why does it take a stranger to help us define ourselves, our feelings, our experiences…as children we rely on our parents to help us through the day…heavy heart – chocolate chip cookies…jumbled mind – hot chocolate with marshmallows…achy joints – hot bubble bath and a rubber duck…clenched jaw – chocolate chip cookies and hot chocolate with marshmallows…throbbing head – a lullaby as we lay our head to sleep…as adults – well let’s not lie – we sometimes head to the booze…but when the booze wears off the feelings come back…how do we combat the feelings we feel and can’t define…

did you ever think you’ll never get over this…

crap…fuck…damn…this will never end…it will…I promise…remembering that everyone and everything we encounter in life has an impact on us – whether positive or negative, we learn…we grow…we develop…we march on…in sickness and in health…in good times and bad times…we march on…some of us with bells on…mine’s a fucking cow bell and I’m beating the fuck out of it with every step…you’d cover your ears if you were marching next to me…

I believe in karma and I picture karma as a fucking bitch…karma is always around the corner…she’s to your right and she’s to your left…she’s in the passenger seat of your car….she’s at your kitchen counter pouring you a glass of ‘kiss my fucking ass’ – my new favourite shot – she sets it aside so you can serve it to the guest of your choice…when you stare karma in the face, she stares back and whispers softly, oh so softly, a simple ‘fuck you’…I love karma…she serves me well…

did you ever want to live your doppelgänger’s life for one day…

don’t do it…my life lesson is that there’s no better life than the one you’re living…I was told one day that someone wanted to see if the grass was greener on the other side, life was getting a little boring…that person would come back years later and said nope, it’s not…I whispered softly ‘fuck you’…experiencing shitty things can lead to pretty happy endings…

did you ever wonder where life will take you…

i read that the earth rotates on its axis once every 24 hours, so that the sun returns to the same position in the sky every day…our journey takes us to many places…it’s guides us on many adventures…it makes us embrace, experience, love, despise, yearn and feel…just like the sun, we return to the same position in our lives every day…the journey in between is what’s important…

did you ever want something so bad it hurt – I want my journey to count…

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my big girl boots weigh a fucking ton…

recently I was sitting in an office…sitting in an uncomfortable chair…sitting at a round table…on that table there was a brown envelope full of forms and a box of tissues…talk about setting the stage…

it doesn’t matter what I was there for, it doesn’t matter the address and it doesn’t matter the information shared…the only thing that stuck with me was the fact that after an hour a stranger looked at me and informed me that I have chronic stress…’lovely’, I said…‘you’re super crae crae,’ I said…’are we finished here’, I said….i left with a feeling of, well I don’t really know…but I was driving back to work and I was repeating to myself ‘I’m fine, damn her’…’stress, seriously asshole – chronic’…’what evs’…and then I caught a glimpse of myself in the rear view window…I was holding a tissue in my hand, up to my face and I was wiping away tears as I was repeating ‘she fucking crae crae’ and it hit me, oh my god, is this what stress looks like…and then I laughed my head off and obviously looked like a fucking crazy person to other drivers…

since then, I’ve been reeling a little bit…I’ve shared this so called diagnosis with a few people which is soooo unlike me…I talked about it with my family, again fucked up cause I don’t do this…and now I’m putting it in writing…why…well I’m tired…tired of pretending that a woman can live 43 years and be care free at all times…tired of pretending to myself mainly that I can overcome things by myself…tired of pretending that things will go away and tired of pretending that I don’t need support…

damn self awareness…

I’ve been silent because I associated seeking help and support as weakness, which is so un-joey cause I don’t believe in weakness…I believe in strength and power and self-determination…it didn’t take self reflection…it didn’t take a session of peering into my history and it didn’t take a name to what I’m feeling to realize that I need to stop…it was actually a picture…an actual series of pictures that I looked at, commented on and closed up…shortly after looking at these pictures, I was feeling quite excited and quite nostalgic…these pictures really impacted me…I’m not sure how or why…then about an hour later, I reopened these pictures and something struck me with one…it was such an amazing reflection of who this person is and what she is attempting to portray…it was a picture of not even her face…it was almost like a silhouette of perfection…and it struck me…just wow…

damn this picture….

why did this picture ignite this feeling in me…I was staring at it and I was consumed with the power of the lens…the power of the background…the power of – just everything…the notion of strength, wisdom, happiness and power resonated in my muddled mind…I haven’t seen that in a while, I thought – I haven’t seen strength, wisdom, happiness or power as I’ve looked in the mirror in the morning…what I’ve seen is tired, exhausted and worn out…the contents of the picture doesn’t matter at this time…but I will share that I was staring at a picture of my sister…my baby sister…I haven’t shared this with her but I want the world to know that she taught me the greatest gift of all without even trying to…she taught me, the gift of what aspiration and desire look like…this picture exemplified the fact that having aspirations and desires is good…this picture exemplified the fact that you can’t get to aspirations and desires without struggles and hardship…and admitting that there are struggles and hardships in one’s life is okay…

for me it was a picture…for you it may be a quote, a phrase, a look, a smile…it’s so heartwarming to know that others have such an impact on our being without even knowing it…I would think that a lot of ‘a-ha’ moments come out of kind acts of others…

see my sister is taking care of herself…she is the picture of health, wellness, balance and happiness…her dreams, aspirations and desires are taking her on a journey – her journey…i’ve seen her, i’ve watched her and i admire her for this journey…she has reminded me that our past is what sets the stage for our present and future…she has reminded me from her subtle ways that if we don’t believe in our future and embrace our past, our present will not move us forward – it can’t…see sometimes I forget how to take care of myself…well let me rephrase that, I don’t think I’ve ever yearned for a way to take of myself because I think I took my stress free life for granted…this realization that I’m not perfectly balanced has stunned me…I feel quite defeated at times and man that really pisses me off…I joke at times and say fuck growing up really blows…gotta tell ya sometimes I’m not joking…’who knew’ I keep repeating to myself…who knew…my hand goes up in a slow, guarded movement, I’m waving in the mirror to myself – I now know…I now know…man stress blows…

damn realization…

why have i not allowed myself to embrace my present – because it sucks, i answer myself…i go on to have a little conversation with myself…it kinda goes like this…well genius you’ve had many things happen in your past that have sucked…why is this time different…hummmmm, i can’t answer…did i deplete my energy reserve over time…have i lost my marbles…no i know i haven’t…feeling pissed off is an indicator that i have insight right…i’ve started some self-care exercises including sharing with others, seeking support, writing and….blank stare at screen, okay i’ve started three…but through these exercises, i’m learning, learning that my past experiences have influenced my present day…i’ve gotten over some things by pursuing bigger things, newer things, challenging myself and barrelling through barriers…as i get older, the barriers are bigger, more numerous and somewhat higher in height and my old knees won’t allow me to jump over them…it’s now, as i’m aging i’m realizing i have to lean on my own resources to help push me over these barriers…i no longer can do this on my own entirely…

damn knees…

for shits and giggles, I googled the word stress and I read for about an hour and then I closed my computer…conclusion – there are so many variations to the word, so many triggers associated with the diagnosis and so many factors identified that can lead to stress…basically there is no one definitive definition of the word – it is dependent on many variables…how do I truly know that being told I have chronic stress fits me and my experiences…hummmm I sit back and reflect and then a light bulb goes off…

laughing I remember last Friday checking out my bank balance – a simple task I usually do at least three times a week…the difference this Friday was the fact that I had for the first time in my adult life forgot that my mortgage and car payment was due – sweet fuck…how in the name of god did I forget that…I went on to call myself a few more choice words but then I stopped and thought BAM dude that chick was soooo right…I’m messed up in the head…I remember stating to her, ‘I don’t mean to be rude, but I seriously know every question you’re going to ask me. I know the scales you’re gonna use and I know the answers you need to hear’…her response, and I’ll never forget it was ‘you have the skills, I have no doubt about that but your cognitive ability right now is foggy, you have no problem solving abilities when it comes to yourself right now, just trust me’…I hate her…well I hate being wrong…she’s good…

today I woke up to no toothpaste, no soap and no toilet paper in the house…I curse…I come downstairs to feed the pup and there’s no dog food…

sure you’re fine…you got this joey…and I laugh…

I never in my 43 years thought I’d be admitting to the impact of stress on my body, mind and soul to myself or my family…sharing it with strangers is even more nerve racking…but I am at a point in my life that I think sharing with strangers is actually sometimes easier than with my family and friends…I’m a pretty stubborn, thick skinned, strong headed woman – you’re not getting over my time…ahhhh but wait, despite my strengths I’m admitting I too am a victim of this thing called stress…I wanna share to the world that no matter who we are, no matter the supports we have, no matter how much we think we have control – we don’t…we are all victims to life…my parents always say hey, shit happens…I’ve always thought and I’ve sometimes said ‘put your big girl boots on and get going girl’; ‘suck it up buttercup’; ‘build a bridge and get over it’…oh boy do I suck back those words now…

see at this point in my life, my big girl boots weigh a fucking ton…I don’t have the energy to suck up anything even if it’s a tiny buttercup and build a bridge, bitch please, I don’t have the capacity to even sketch a bridge right now…

recently I was sitting in an office…sitting in an uncomfortable chair…sitting at a round table…on that table there was a brown envelope full of forms and a box of tissues…talk about setting the stage…I woke up this morning with no toothpaste, no soap, no toilet paper and no dog food and thought…

I’m 43, recently diagnosed with chronic stress, and have a therapist…my journey continues…first step – embrace the moment…

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