if only…

if only…

two tiny words with the weight of the world attached to them…I had a friend ask me the other day if I had ever wanted kids, to which I responded “I really did once upon a time” and then my life began…she responded, “if only, hey” and me “yup, if only”…

if only i had met the ‘one’ that everyone talks about…I’d be in a house with three bedrooms, filled with toys and the pitter patter of feet going about their days…I’d be home at 4, cooking supper for the family and sitting around a table built for daily use…I’d be clearing away the dishes as the hubby filled the tub and bathed the babies for the night…I’d be sitting, drinking tea, listening to the laughter come from the bathroom above me, listening to the kids and their father fill the night air with love…if only…

if only I had stayed in past relationships because it was the safe thing to do…if only I had said yes to the one that came back and begged…I’d be in a house – we’d be renting for sure – and kids, not sure…I’d be home at 6, I’d have to cook supper, we’d eat watching television, I’d clean up and I’d yearn for conversation…I’d yearn for laughter and I’d yearn for love…I’d be sitting, drinking tea, listening to him play music from another room while I was trying to concentrate, read or listen to a favourite show…the night air would be filled with silence, judgment and a sadness, the kind only I would know…if only…

if only I had stayed in that night…if only I hadn’t been in that situation at that exact moment maybe I wouldn’t have lost interest in working out…I’d be still going into the gym three mornings a week, I’d be the strongest I’d ever been, I’d be flaunting and shining and eating my homemade granola bars…I’d be home by 5, I’d be cooking and singing away…I’d pack my breakfast and lunch by 6…I’d run a bath for myself and the night air would breathe away the worries of the day…if only…

if only I had never taken that job…if only those people were good people I wouldn’t have been hurt…if only others didn’t trust in me to be strong…I’d be happy, eager…I’d be stress free, worry free and light hearted…my trust would be unscathed, my body untouched, my mind unharmed, my passion unhurt…hiding wouldn’t be an option, anger wouldn’t be a daily emotion and nightmares wouldn’t rock my world…if only…

if only…I were skinnier, happier, healthier, taller, leaner, stronger…if only…my hair was longer, my clothes nicer, my phone newer, my gaming better, my education higher, my pay greater…if only…I had a job, I had a house, I had a yard, I had a snow blower, I had a car, I had a cabin, I had a…I had a…if only…

what happens to us if we live by these words, we’d never allow ourselves to feel, to fail, to cry, to laugh, to embrace and to love…we’d never leave our houses if the hurt that disables us never heals…we’d never learn from our mistakes, those shitty ass mistakes that we all make and we all shake our heads and think ‘gentle Christ did I do that’…we learn our greatest lessons from feeling disappointed in our own selves…our biggest regrets are the things we grow from and by god we’ll never make the same mistake twice, well some of us will but then we learn twice as hard…

I call myself reality danielle sometimes, both in work and in my personal life…the ‘if only’ game has come and gone in my life…I have a few days left before my 45th and I refuse to play the ‘if only’ game with myself anymore…sure I could have a three bedroom house full of kids and love…sure I could still be working a day job with no chance of advancement and living a shitty ass life with a shitty ass man…sure I could still be that kick ass gym girl with an ass as hard as a rock…sure I could have left a job where I was being harassed and bullied and found a new work place…if only I had done those things…

if only…i teach others daily that life is about passion and desires and it is so worth living…have I ever thought of ending it, life that it…have I ever thought others would be better off without me…have I ever thought of leaving it all and vanishing – hells yah I have…looking inside, I’m the one eternally single but eternally happy – insert higher tone on that last happy…if only others knew what my happy looked like…sometimes a loss equates my experiences…sometimes a celebration equates my loss…if only others knew…

I think I’m a pretty intelligent individual and I often think others are truly numb to my feelings and experiences…if only they got it…

if only others thought about others as much as I think about them…holy philosophical…its my damn writing addiction…

a client asked me the other day was I “happy and at peace”, “did I find my person” and “have I found my passion”…we were at a local coffee shop and I literally replied “well holy jesus girl, which do I answer first” – we both laughed…my answers…

I always think I’m happy until I’m driving home in my car and my cheek glistens in the sun and I taste a saltiness on my upper lip and I am crying…is it an unhappiness or an overhappiness, I pondered…“do you really cry by yourself she asked” – mother of mercy yes, I replied…and we laughed…my tears often are a result of a disappointment or a fault in my own self of setting expectations that others can not live up to, or do not have the time or idea that I’ve even set them…my tears are for the “if only” scenarios I play in my mind…but to answer the question, yes I’m happy because my “if only” scenarios would have never led me to the life I live today…

peace…this was a hard one…I wasn’t sure what she meant by peace…“I’m not sure what your definition of peace is but I feel secure, if that makes sense”…she nodded…secure in my own body, secure in my faith, secure in my thoughts and secure in my love for myself”…are we ever at peace with our decisions and life choices – I couldn’t answer that…

my person…if only I had that person that was my soul mate, one to share my ups and my downs…one that knew my likes and dislikes…one that would answer a text, a phone call, or simply know I needed a get away…if only…I answered simply “I found my person about 3years ago”, she smiled and I continued “I had no idea who this person was but when I saw her I thought, damn this is my rock”…I chuckled and I said “girl my person is myself”…“if only I was my own person”, she said…

if only I could teach others to enjoy alone time, if only I could instill a sense of self worth in those that question themselves, if only I could show how my heart beats with every accomplishment I reach…if only…

a life yearning for what we don’t have, I truly believe is a life wasting what we have…decisions we make daily shape and nurture us…it saddens me to think that people are lonely, sad and can’t survive without dependency…but I own that, I shouldn’t judge…that’s my downfall, I have nothing left to give somedays and that’s just me…I think I’m so comfortable in my own skin that I practice what it would be like when the world will present me with the biggest sadness that I can dream of…that’s my coping mechanism and it’s my weakness – the inability to give what others want…

if only…

I was told by a great woman one night that she feels sorry for me…with a chuckle she added because I shut everyone out…the table giggled and I gulped…

if only I didn’t…

my if only scenarios led me to a life – a self proclaimed workaholic, blogger, aspiring published author, mother of a 4-legged monster, auntie to amazing little men, realist, lover of travel and addicted to living…my qualities – a passion for my work, a desire to learn, a willingness to try but only those things I want, an eye for design, an honestly that is sometimes brutal and a willingness to lose to maintain my dignity…

if only i wasn’t me…who would I be…I always wonder that…who would I want to be…

if you could live a life that you thought you’d live, would you be happier, smile more, enjoy more, love bigger and survive longer – if only you had the answer…

life is a gift, a gift that keeps on giving…surrounding yourself with those that make you shine is the goal in life…there is no place for longing for what we think we need…I may not have the hard rock ass of my 30year old self but I have the experience of the 44year old self that has come a long way…

in life we’re either hammering the nails to expand our path or we’ve pounding them out to remove the obstacles that present themselves along the way…if only you could learn to accept the path you’ve ventured – happiness would never elude you…

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