sorry not sorry…#unapologeticself

my sister gave me a necklace this year for Christmas…the card attached read “I’m not sorry” – “she is unapologetically herself”…it was both beautiful and inspiring…it lies neatly around my neck and it defines quite nicely how I have chosen to live my life…she did it again #winning…I’m not sure if she knows how this necklace made me feel but it stirred up enough thoughts to write….

I sit on my floor this morning and I gaze at my pup laying on the couch, my face to his nose so I can feel the warm air he exhales…breathing in and out, I wait for that warm air to brush my lips and nose…he snores, I chuckle…breathing in and out…it’s the last day of 2016…i choose today to be alone so I can reflect on my year…the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful…i didn’t use all my insurance for my psychologist but drained my insurance for my naturopath, so I think I’m dealing with things a bit differently than 2014…

I think we all get sentimental around the new year and this year I question – but why…tomorrow is certainly a brand new day, a brand new start but so was yesterday and so is today…why do we always yearn for that Monday start or that January one start…a start is defined as the beginning of something and not as the beginning of something ‘on Monday’ or as the beginning of something ‘on January 1st”…we need to stop kidding ourselves and take some responsibility for how we live our lives, take ownership of the decisions we make and ultimately admit that we are okay…

we humans tend to hold onto the negative experiences and brush the positive experiences aside…I’m guilty of it but by god I’m not letting the negative experiences define my person nor take over my memories of a full year anymore…did that, wore the t-shirt, rode the pity party bus and then realized I had to jump the fuck off before I let bad vibes tarnish my memories of days past and steal the hope of my days to come…

as years pass by I try to live without regret…every decision I made got me to here…every choice I’ve made got me to here and here is okay…every year people experience loss – loss that makes your heart ache with every beat and that loss is often unbearable but every morning you take one foot and place it on the floor and you follow that with your second foot and you get out the door…life is a fascinating thing…it’s unforgiving, it’s everlasting…I find myself crying lately for things that I will lose and not for what I have lost…funny thing about me – the losses are numerous, the heart in several pieces but still working as a functioning unit to sustain me…but the past is the past and I cannot grieve it any longer…I lump my experiences into a big ball of ‘get your ass out of bed you fucktard’ and I forge on…my sadness for what is to come is also ludicrous – I know this and I lump all that anxiety into a big ball of ‘get your ass out of bed you fucktard’ and I forge on…

see you can’t live in the past nor in the future…if we do so we miss today and today has the potential to be the best day ever…

she is unapologetically herself…

ever try to define yourself…I can’t be the only one…I so thrive on feedback, it excites me knowing what others see in me…am I doing all I can do to effect change…am I doing all I can to make others think, reflect and pursue something in life…am I doing all I can to make others love themselves…am I doing all I can that when I’m gone, they’ll say ‘she did all she could do to love life’…

it’s not easy being close to me…it’s not easy being my sister, my parents or my friend…I’m not sorry for the person I’ve become…I think I’ve written in the past that I was always that person that said yes to everything, went to everything, smiled for everyone and was everyone’s best friend…that was then and I was fucking miserable…this is now and I say no, nope, nada, never, and hells no…when questioned why – my reply is simply ‘just cause’…it makes me a bitch, it makes me unapproachable, it makes me stubborn – that’s what others think…but me – it makes me happy, it upholds the danielle that I’ve created, it allows me to be true to my passion…I wear my heart on my sleeve – you’ll never question whether I’m unhappy, angry, perturbed or simply bored – you’ll know it…I am self aware, I am confident, and I am me – unapologetic…

life could be so much easier if I could go with the flow and embrace the day as others want me to…but holy no…my unapologetic self will always be passionate, will always draw enemies, will always swim upstream, will always face resistance, will always lose friends but will always have your back and remain true to the person she has chosen to become…no one made me the person I am today, that’s my own doing and damn I did good…

a new beginning…

albeit a new start – there will be heart ache…it’s life folks…not one of us will not be affected…god that sounds terrible…but I’m learning as I grow older, loss is inevitable and I think it’s why I’m so unapologetic…I need to love now…I need to learn all I can now…I need to embrace all I can now…because there is no guarantee that I will have a tomorrow…I need to lay my head on my pillow at night and thank the stars that my day was a good day…with loss comes strength…with loss comes growth…with loss comes tears and heart ache – but how lucky are we to have had people in our lives that we cherish…if someone chooses not to be in your life you need to thank them for not wasting your precious time…time is valuable…never let others try to take you down…stand up for yourself – learn to love yourself…

I learned long ago if you don’t love yourself first, how is anyone going to love you the right way…I finally love myself and I tell myself that everyday…#weird no #awesome…

she is unapologetically herself…

in 2017 keep the fire that ignites the passion in you going…it’s not about weight, it’s not about relationships, it’s not about a bigger house, it’s not about more money, it’s not about more anything – it’s about you and what you do with each precious moment of your life…embrace it, strap on your wings and forge on…never regret – always remember…

15016163_10157789350650694_7008087394562007842_o