I might have been raw at 43, but I soar at 44…

July 23rd, 2014 I opened my computer and started a journey…a journey of sharing, a journey of openness, a journey of truth and a journey of ‘sweet jesus did I write that’…

it’s been a year and a day since I’ve acknowledged that I don’t have it all together…I’d been thinking about blogging for a few months and kept putting it aside…the day I opened my computer, I was sat on my sister’s couch in Ottawa and simply blurted out “I think I’m gonna start a blog”…she was on me in a split second…she’s always been my greatest supporter…she asked me so many questions about my intentions of the blog…to which I kept responding “I don’t know” and I kept second guessing whether people would read the blog, would they think I was a rambler, would they think I sucked, would they think wtf…and then I thought, well I’m not writing for others, I’m writing for myself…then the 13year old girl came to surface and I yelled “well I’ll give it 24hours and if no one comments or likes or follows me, it’s coming down”, my sis said “deal”…

that was a year and a day ago…

my introduction to the world went like this… i’m 43, a mommy to a 90lb, 4legged monster who i am addicted to and a workaholic…why blog now, you may ask…well, i’m sick of hearing – you’re not having kids – oh that’s so sad…oh you’ve never been married – it’ll happen for you, sweetie…aren’t you lonely – you should try on line dating…and my all time favourite quote – you’re way too picky at your age…i’m wanting to share that a 43year old independent, career oriented puppy momma has an awesome life – a life i probably would not have chosen back in the day, but a life i adore, a life i cherish, a life that is mine…if you’re looking for proper grammar, proper language, pg rated educational info – scroll on…this is me, raw at 43…

fast forward a year and a day, and I’m 44, a mommy to a 114lb, 4legged monster who I’m still addicted to, a workaholic and I’ve added graduate student to the mix…I’m still single, childless (the human, traditional 2legged child kind), think on-line dating is the root of evil, picky, independent, and obvi awesome…I might have been raw at 43, but I soar at 44…

my vulnerability led me to a journey of strength and allowed me to transition my secrets into reality…a reality that I’ve used in my day to day life to get to where I am today…I’ve wrote about love, life, personal medicine, failure, anger, hatred, harassment, bullying, friendships and family…I’ve written of heartache, struggle, triumph, loss and gain…I’ve written in humour, I’ve written in sadness, I’ve written in anger, I’ve written in loss and I always write in silence…deep in my thoughts…

I’ve shared a secret of needing a psychologist to deal with a life stressor…I’ve shared a diagnosis of chronic stress…I’ve shared stories of illness, laughter and the love of my family…I’ve shared the dark times and I think I’m sharing the brighter times…i’ve been enlightened by comments about my writing and I’m shocked at the people that are reading…I thought I’d be shocked by the people who I thought would read it but my heart yearns for my writing to make sense to the people who need it to make sense…clear as mud hey by’e…

I cherish my vulnerable state of mind that year…I marvel in the person that an experience made me be and I celebrate the fact that I survived…I lost a few in the battle…a few that didn’t believe in me…a few that didn’t quite understand how to deal with me and my emotional ways…a few that secretly thought fuck her and the few that put me on the backburner knowing that I’d probably burn myself but I’d manage to turn the knob of my tormented soul off at some point…it’s amazing how one can get themselves out of a terrible, tormented experience and for that I am grateful…on the flip side, I completely understand how one could potentially remain in the presence of darkness and torment, a place that no one ever wants to go and a place that you’d give your body, mind and soul to get out of…

why did I survive…

broken finger nails, empty bottles of advil, sessions held in a therapist’s office, angry words, millions of tears staining my cheeks, empty ice cream containers and a tongue that could skin a cat with the nastiness that it could deliver – that’s how I survived…I clawed my way back, day by day…

it was a little over a year ago that day that I nearly drove a phone through a desk…physical rage bottled in a drained soul…it doesn’t matter why…it doesn’t matter who…it doesn’t matter what…it doesn’t matter where…all that matters is how…how I survived from that day forward…it’s that survival that I’m so proud of and so thankful for…would I wish it never happened – I’ve thought about that a good many times and I can honestly say, I’m glad it happened…my life up until a few years ago was smooth sailing…I was a work horse and a go-getter…I found my niche in my career and I had passion…god did I ever have passion…and then IT happened and I stopped…I questioned…I nearly gave up…I nearly gave in…I nearly…but I didn’t…I took that passion and I shouted to the world FUCK YOU…and I ran with it…

if you state something, no one will trust in you if you don’t stick to it…it’s like disciplining a child – make sure you follow through…a year ago, I followed through…

it takes courage to be yourself…I think I was myself before but I think I was missing something…I think my reason to be on this planet was to go through this experience and use it to strengthen who I am as a woman, a friend, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a clinician and ultimately me…I feel as if I have experienced a torment that was meant to happen…almost like my destiny of some sort…my body, mind and soul were kinda out of sync for a bit…I’m not sure what my TSN turning point was this year, it’s crept up on me…I feel lighter, I feel more insightful, I feel hopeful and I feel like I can help people through my experiences…

I’m good at what I do…that’s not being grandiose or narcissistic – it’s my belief that I am a good person…the fruits of my labour are paying off…my yearning for learning continues and my belief that everything happens for a reason grows stronger…my passion ignites me…my passion sometimes gets the better of me and that is my lesson moving forward…I heard the other day that ‘a negative mind will never create a positive life’…I’m done with the negativity – it’s taken enough from me…my lifelong goal has always been to live, love and laugh through all my days that this world allows me to live…my folks did not put me here to live in misery, nor did they raise me to project negativity…they strive in living life to the fullest and for that I strive to be a positive role model to my nephews, my family, my friends and to those who come into my life…

I’m not perfect but I’m pretty damn awesome… tormentors, you’ll never win but thank you for presenting me with the greatest challenge of my life – finding me…life, you’ve done me well…

never let your journey end…fill it with the things that make your smile wider, your laughter louder and your heart fuller…never ever settle – follow through…your dreams are closer than they appear…

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