you were meant to be my mother…

a letter to my mother…

I have visions of your life before me…the pictures and stories add up to a life filled with struggle, mischief, heartache, love, happiness, passion, aspirations and desires…a desire to be someone, something that you could be proud of…I don’t know if you always wanted to be a mother, you’d never say no if I asked but you were meant to be my mother…

the world is a mysterious place…I can’t imagine me in anyone else’s arms besides yours…even at the tender age of 44, I love to put my head on your lap and be comforted by your touch, your voice…you comfort me, you ground me, you love me, you treasure me and you are my everything…

as a child I’m sure there were times that you wanted to strangle me, lose me in the grocery store and never look back or lock me in my room but I would have deserved it I’m sure…I only remember you being mad at me once…you were sitting on the toilet, I on the bathtub rim and I cursed at you and you up and let me have it…you probably laughed at that later…I learned from it…you probably wanted to yell ‘respect beotch’ but simple said ‘sweetheart that’s wrong’…

I think back to the times that you and dad had me…both youngsters by today’s definition…living in an apartment, no vehicle, working shift work and loving me…obviously being the most perfect child I made your world your everything…lol lol…but just wow…thank you for giving me your all…thank you for making me be your world…

as a child, I remember very little but I remember supper times for some reason…sitting around that wooden table and talking and listening to everyone’s days…you always made us turn the tv down as you continue to do today as you and dad sit around a new table but you sit side by side, sharing your stories of your days…I’m the lucky one to be able to be there around the table most days (well dad would say too many days…lol lol…) to hear those stories…I’m not sure you know but I drive home from your house always with a smile, sometimes with a tear for those who have never experienced a supper time around a table…

you worked like a dog…I remember, we’d sit outside the trailer down in Pleasantville waiting for you to get off work…sometimes we’d go in with you while you worked away and you’d make a play game out of it…but you worked…how hard must it have been for you to have three of us, working full time…no luxury of housecleaning services, no luxury of family to tend to us…no luxury – just hard work…I don’t ever remember you complaining…now I’m sure you did but I don’t remember and that’s the important thing…

you worked hard and you played hard…I remember times of strikes, no money coming in, no return to work in sight and I remember you smiling, making supper and sitting at the table with the tv turned down…no complaining, no worry, no stress…now I’m sure you were probably stressed to the max, but we never knew and that’s the important thing…you saved and you spent…taking us all around the world to experience, to learn, to play, to share and to laugh…you’re probably still paying off those trips! but thank you…thank you…

through your hard work, your motherly instincts, your undying love for all of us, you have taught me that this world should be looked upon as an honor to be part of…I am so happy to have you as my guiding mentor in all of this…I always joke that dad held me first but you carried me all yourself for 9whole months…and you carry me today and everyday… I don’t know if you always wanted to be a mother, you’d never say no if I asked but you were meant to be my mother…

there was never a question about school…I hear people today trying to decide about college, university, or working…I don’t remember that conversation…I think that was always your plan…they will be educated, god damn it edth, they will be educated…we made fun of you when you’d say ‘you’ll have a degree and no one can take that away from you”…I know you’d be proud of us even if we hadn’t gone on to do the things we have…but because you knew we could, we did…there was no question of that…god you’re a smart woman and a brilliant mom…come to think of it, I feel manipulated…lol lol…

I guess 2 outta 3 ain’t bad you must have thought when you put us all through university for the first time…how you did that, I still don’t know…but you never complained…all the tuition, the books, the needs, the wants…how did you do that…you’d never be lois lane, you’d be superman…the second time around for me included leaving home and putting my tail between my legs and coming back home…then with the tearing out of an ad in the paper, you put me into a whirlwind of a life that today I flourish in…that was you, all you…thank you just thank you…

we’d always joke that mom could find a pamphlet on any subject in 2.5seconds…you’d have a question and you’d have a pamphlet left on that table in the morning…we’d think wtf, where did this come from…it’s as if you were a hoarder of pamphlets all your life, stuffing them around the house just in case…

you helped me pack my bags again and drove me to my next adventure…another adventure that would put my bank account in the negative…but you’d always say ‘sweetie, it’s only money think of where this will get you’…and I can say ‘look at me now ma’ and giggle…year after year you raise me higher…higher than a girl can be but you do it gracefully…obviously there are days that I want to smother you TRIGGER but I’d do it with a smile…lol lol…

oh momma…how do we love you…I can’t count the ways because I can’t count that high…you are amazing to me…you sacrificed your life for us and dad…the love you show that man is undeniable the most love a human could stand…you taught me that true love is possible, it’s not magical it’s work and it’s possible…you also taught me to keep a secret stash despite that possibility because reality is always around the corner…like who does that, you…you taught me that life’s possibilities never end and look at you taking on a new adventure at 66…week 1 down as pops is slowly losing it, but look at you carting around the word accreditation and training and educating others, just because you needed a challenge…again you’re incredible…

we always wonder when did mom get style and I guess it was when you could finally stop supporting our asses…and now you’re a combo of the likes of grace, audrey and ray all wrapped up into one little hot momma package…you thrive in yourself and you strive for us to do the same…everyone knows about the momma hogan ‘once over’ look…and as much as we hate it, we love it…you could be a Clinton/Stacey third hostess with the mostess…the camera would love you…the ‘once over’ would be the new hashtag sensation of 2015!

you are my inspiration, my true love, my mentor, my travel partner, my, my, my everything…you’re my ‘it’s gonna be a changin day’ advocate…how you got to where you are, I’m not sure…you need to write that story…it’ll be a best sellar…but how I got to where I am is because of you…

thank you universe, thank you for allowing this woman to be mine…all mine… 428573_10151852698760694_1354837643_n

trigger, I wish you were just a horse in my memory and not a reality in my world…

I haven’t had much time lately to think or relax…I’ve kept myself pretty busy since the clock struck 12:01am on the 1st of January…I woke up yesterday and realized it was may, where did the months go…i’m not sure what happens to us as adults but as a child a year seemed like an eternity and now it’s here and gone in the blink of an eye…well I’m being dramatic but you get my point…

I was driving home from my folks place after picking up my puppsters the other night and everything seemed muddled…my heart was racing, my ears were burning, my palms were sweaty and I thought damn you trigger…I turned the radio off and I drove…I drove and I drove…I ended up in my car with my pup for over an hour just driving and thinking, thinking and reflecting, reflecting and reorganizing myself in my own head…

trigger was roy rogers’ horse…that’s the only trigger I knew…

I think back to the past few weeks and I realize a few things…I realize I’m not sleeping, I’m chronically fatigued, I’m jumpy, I’m edgy, I’m judgmental and I’m angry…painting such a pretty picture here I may as well add in the endless days without sun in our little city is really not helping…wow can you imagine that portrait hanging high on a wall – could be entitled ‘the week joey saw trigger and she doesn’t mean the horse’…fuck no wonder my phone has been silenced, people are choosing to be away from me more than with me…

trigger that damn horse…if only…

life has a funny way to trick you into believing that you’re okay…time passes, new people enter, you wean yourself off supports, you strengthen yourself mentally, the barriers come down and then BAM, trigger prances in all saddled up ready to go…a glance, a wave, a word – that’s all it takes…

I jumped down the throat of someone I love the other night…my defensiveness heightened, my words sharp and my thought process warped…that’s the night I drove…the realization that I let myself fortune tell the future and let my thoughts impact my being made me more angry that I had been in the beginning…I drove and I drove and I thought how could everyone in my life change without me…how could everyone in my life be aggravating the fuck out of me…how could everyone in my life be so wrong, so judgmental and so god damn idiotic…and then I thought wait a second…I’m the one that changed – no one else…

trigger that damn horse…

i allowed another being to take all the things that were enjoyable to me away from me…that’s the vulnerability talking…I had another being manipulate and cause so much turmoil in my life that I pushed everything enjoyable in my world away from me…I let myself down…I let myself down…I let myself down…vulnerable much? I often speak to people now and I realize that like an iceberg, what’s on the surface is only a smidge of what’s beneath…feeling vulnerable, feeling defeated, feeling overwhelmed and carrying stress can break a person…I’ve seen it before, I’ve witnessed it before, I’ve counselled people about it before but now I carry it…now I can envision it…now I can feel it…when trigger rides in on a bright shiny saddle the heart races, the ears burn, the palms sweat and the physiology in your body screams ‘FUCK’…I get it I say, I finally get it…

I’m slowly learning how to turn this negative experience into a positive experience, one that my clients, those close to me and myself can learn and grow from…I’m been saying my entire life that everything happens for a reason…and here I am and I want to bitch slap myself for thinking it…but it’s so true…through heartache and hardship, through tears and anger – there is light…I’ve been having a lot of a-ha moments over the year of writing and my latest is…

a-ha, I’m the asshole…

I walk with a trail of egg shells behind me, those around me trying not to step on them…I question why do the people I love aggravate the fuck out of me…well stupid you’re the odd ball out now…you were the strength, the glue the strong one and now you’re the weakling, the one who no one knows how to talk to…OMG insert WTF…I’m the asshole…it took trigger, the trigger not the horse to teach me that this week…as I look around my world, I need my people…I thrive on my people…I know they love me…I know they do not understand me…I know they think I’m losing it and I should be on suicide watch…I know they care and I know they had to move away to keep us safe…

trigger, I wish you were just a horse in my memory and not a reality in my world…

god how mad do others get when they go through this…how many people have lost people because of other people…mean people…how tortured, how harassed, how bullied, how beaten down must one get before the trigger pulls in on the reins…I’ll never know the extent to what could have happened…my scream was louder than trigger’s scream…my tolerance was high until I could go no more…what could have happened – that’s a scary thought…knowing where I came from, dreaming of where I’m going and planning for how I’m going to get there is underway…don’t ever let a horse named trigger lead you astray – haul on those reins and tug, you won’t hurt him rather you’ll slowly gain control…

my trigger – saddle so shiny, shoes so new, prance so perfect and the world in her hands…she’s good, she’s real good but she’s not winning…my saddle is shinier, shoes newer, prance more perfect and the world in my hand – I ask for forgiveness and I ask to remember the old me and the willingness for the new me, the changed me, the beaten down come back around me back in your world…

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