reflections…

sitting at a table in a crowded coffee shop – reflecting…

sitting on my patio, surrounded by nature and a dog – reflecting…

driving aimlessly down the road with the dog panting in my ear – reflecting…

lying in bed at night, lavender oils filling the air – reflecting…

my god I’m a reflecting whore…

I remember in university the word reflection sent us into a spiral of eye rolling, f-bombs and blank stares into the twilight zone…why must we always fucking reflect we’d scream to ourselves as we dug into the chips and dip and sipped our beers…reflections were to be documented, reflections were to make us better thinkers, better clinicians, better empathizers…just better…that was 15years ago when that word became part of my vernacular…

today it means something greater to me…it means I’m comfortable in my mind…people often don’t believe me when I say that I literally can sit and clear my mind – thinking of nothing just blank space, well those that have seen me hypnotized can vouch for my ability to lose myself but others are non-believers…I hate myself for saying this but I love reflecting…as long as that reflecting is healthy and I don’t get caught up in unhealthy thoughts cause that happens…

reflections…

lately I’ve been trying to calm my mind and body before settling in at bedtime…i’m starting to realize that I need to start practicing what I preach on a daily basis…

a few weeks ago I had an episode that scared me – a medical scare that has since resolved (no need to worry)…I was home alone and terrified…but I was calm…my mind was racing, my phone was dying, my dog was sleeping…knowing a little about the medical field I had myself diagnosed, deficits identified, house for sale and home care workers hired – despite being calm, I was full of worse case scenario…that night I became dependent on others and it was the worst feeling ever…I managed to call a dear friend who stood by me the whole night and what she witnessed was a mess…a mess that we can now laugh at but a mess…fast forward about 2days later and I began to realize that as much as I preach I am independent and I don’t need anyone, I realized I was dependent on everyone in my life…and those people were ready and willing to jump at the chance to help me…

I became humbled…

my preaching gets me into trouble sometimes and I’m so damn stubborn that my own mother said and I quote “I feel sorry for you how you block people out” – I laughed at this when she said it but was she ever right…I am the master of blocking people out…I am the master of ‘I can do that myself’ until a few weeks ago when I became dependent for the first time in my life on my friends to help me with day to day things…things we take for granted…the funny thing was that I wasn’t the one who reached out either – why I wonder am I that god damn stubborn…it was another dear friend who quietly reached out to others to tell them that I needed to be checked on because my parents were travelling…when confronted she said ‘obviously I told them, you weren’t going to you fool’…we chuckled cause she was so right…

always the rescuer, never the rescued…so I preached…

not asking for help in my life, makes me strong – that’s what my stubborn mind tells me…well in reflection it just makes me stupid…

as I sat home on leave, I reflected daily…my phone never stopped, my friends reaching out hourly to make sure I had everything I needed…humbled, happy, lucky, relieved but above all willing to accept help…that’s hard for me…accepting help…these feelings always lead me to back to weakness and vulnerability and I feel like every time I write I use those words…but I’m learning that in life, lessons take a life time to learn and I have a desire to share, to educate, to enlighten, to reiterate that weakness is strength…

my father sat me down the other day and said, yup it’s my fault for how you are…you have my desire, my anger, my work ethic, my cut throat tongue and my unwillingness to be weak but dancer (yes that what he calls me) it’s killing you…and when he said that I think back to when he was my age, I remember seeing him angry at the world, screaming into the phone at inconsistencies in his work life, carrying the weight of the job on his shoulders, phone constantly ringing, people constantly fighting and him the rescuer…I am my father’s daughter…I witnessed him fall, I witnessed him struggle, I witnessed him save himself, I witnessed him change and I witnessed him survive…I think the thing that scares him the most is that he sees me experiencing the same thing he did…but he’s the one trying to break my fall and up until now I wouldn’t let him catch me, until now…

reflections…

I’ve become my father…I’m laughing as I’m writing this because I so am…when this finally hit me, I am painstakingly transposed back to my youth – I close my eyes and I see my father’s figure at the table, phone to his ear, red in the face, puffy in eyes from lack of sleep, lack of quietness, lack of peace…I hear my mother plead, don’t answer that phone call, let it go to voicemail…I see my father squirm cause he can’t – he picks up and the cycle continues again…these people need me, there’s no one else that knows about this…omg I’m my father…

reflections…

when dad wanted to return to work, I wrote him a return to work plan – yes I did…and now they write mine…

so my bedtime routine, is a routine…it involves lavender oil, reading for enjoyment and reflecting…waking in a pool of drool means its working…independent versus dependent – two words that guide my clinical practice and perhaps I’ve held on to the meaning it takes on in my work world and haven’t embraced what it means to me as a person…being independent is who I am but I have a wealth of friends I don’t give enough credit to…I have a wealth of friends that I need and saying that kicks me in the guts a little because it makes me vulnerable…but again practicing what I preach is what I aim for in life…

if we don’t open ourselves up because we’re afraid to be hurt or disappointed, we’re missing out on the kindness and love that those around us want to give…not everyone has the opportunity to live and experience emotions…we need to place value on the opportunities that present themselves to us and let go off the negativity that comes with hurt but rather embrace that hurt and understand that it is okay because we are alive…sad feelings are okay because we learn from them and we nourish our bodies and souls from all emotions…

for those that have left this earth, I’m sure they’d long for one more moment to feel emotion – any emotion…living is a gift…don’t be stupid and waste it…live it, embrace it and own it…

today I sit alone on my patio with my dog at my feet and I reflect and smile a little wider…

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