we all have a story…

 

trust is a mere 5-letter word that can pack a punch…over time we develop trust in many people in our lives…but what happens when someone breaks that trust…what happens when someone really uses those things you are passionate about against you…what happens when you work your damnedest to create a persona of yourself, only to have someone make you question your life’s work…

it’s hard to gain trust…we talk about it daily and we emphasize that without trust there really is no relationship – no matter what type of relationship you are involved in, there has to be trust…

I hear stories everyday…real stories…real stories I can’t share with others…real stories that make your hair stand straight up on your neck…real stories that you need a hankie to wipe away the disbelief and sadness for humanity…

how is one person in this world put up against another…what gives one the worry of the world and the other the glory of the world…

am I jealous…am I uptight…am I angry…what am i…

do I live my life in a bubble….do I live my life for my work…what do I live for…

who even cares…

I cry with people who have experienced great loss in their lives…lost their love for themselves…lost their innocence…lost their hope for a life beyond tragedy…lost their belief in human kind…lost their dignity…and lost their spirit…

I think as life progresses into the latter years for me, I’ve become an advocate for those that have no voice and those with voices who speak just to hear themselves really just piss me off…

I love fighting for those who are belittled, degraded, stomped on, lost, driven away, and forgotten…and I damn those who think they know more, can make better decisions, and have better lives than those they encounter…

life is about learning and if you think you are beyond learning, then shame on you…

I look back on my experiences and I shutter to think I went through them but I cherish the end result…growing older and wiser isn’t about walking away from your past…it’s about walking towards your future with your past experiences in a knapsack – always there if you need to reach in for some encouragement from your younger self, but always zipped closed so nothing your future self may need gets lost…I’m a true believer in ‘everything happens for a reason’…I’m a true believer in negating your life of negativity as a means to survival and I’m a true believer that no matter how others view you, you are always the priority in your life, you are always the expert in your life experiences and you are always the one with choices of how today, tomorrow and the next day will play out…

I lived a life of control at one point…a silent partner in a world of opportunities…a world of opportunities that never really went anywhere…they surrounded me like childhood friends in a playground…remember the days of Red Rover, Red Rover…I’d silently yell ‘send Danielle over’ in my dreams night after night…where did she go, I’d tackle from time to time and then I’d forget…it wasn’t until a few years later did I realize that Danielle never really went anywhere…

I think the loss of a best friend at an early age really hit me hard…it was a time of denial that she was gone…it was a time that I wasn’t allowed to grieve cause grieving didn’t make sense…I look at 21year olds now and I think, gentle jesus your babies…the feelings of love, the feelings of heartbreak, the feelings of loss, the feelings of shock and the feelings of shear emptiness…how is one to deal at any age…

coping day-to-day is a chore for some…it’s a goal for some…and it’s taken for granted by most…I preach daily that everyone has a story, a story worth sharing and a story worth living…we talk about each story, we role play situations and we problem solve daily decisions…we live in a world of unknowns and we live in a world where we forget that today is a gift…

the focus of mental wellness should be on everyone’s radar…wellness is not only about what we put in our mouths as nutrition nor is it how much we exercise…wellness is about the clarity in our minds, the interest in opportunities, the ability to cope with those day-to-day stressors and most importantly the feeling of meaning and purpose in this life we live…

trust in a partnership with ourselves is key to mental wellness…building a life of trust within our own selves is the first step to true happiness – now this is in my mind, remember my blog – my thoughts 🙂

I’m learning at the tender age of 46, that living life for yourself isn’t well received by others living their lives for others…it’s weird really…ever think, how is that person so happy – there must be something she’s hiding…ever think, of course that person isn’t with anyone, she’s always working – there must be something wrong with her…ever think, why is she so busy – she must be avoiding something…ever think, why can’t that person do that one thing for me – god she’s no busier than I am – she must be evading something…our minds are wonderful things…I think I wrote before that I was always the yes person…the one that would do anything for anyone…you all know one of those people in your life, don’t fib…see when that person finally decides to live for themselves and not others, the others struggle to find balance…all of a sudden, the yes person in your life is saying no…the yes person is happier without you…the yes person is replacing running around for quiet time…the yes person has screwed with your mind…

don’t be the yes person in people’s lives for the sake of being the yes person…you’re wasting away your valuable time…don’t get me wrong, enjoying company is something I crave…but I want everyone to experience the feeling of craving themselves…

sit on a dark patio on a Saturday night…listen to the party across the street with a smile on your face…picture the stories of tomorrow…stare at the stars and know that there is someone else out there staring at the same stars…enjoy life as life is meant to be enjoyed – free from judgment, free from ridicule, free from the loudness of humanity…

when you wake in the morning, you’ll rejoice in the sound of your first breath and as you wipe away the sleep from your eyes, remember everyone has a story – your day is your day, use it wisely…

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‘you be you and i’ll be me’

unless you’ve lived alone (for longer than a minute)…unless you’ve been the only single friend (for longer than a second)…unless you’ve never been the one…unless you’ve never been called mom…unless you’ve never witnessed humility and despair…unless you love the silence…unless you really love who you are, you won’t get me…

sharing was never my strongest skill…ah hell I actually hated sharing until I started writing…I was reminded about societal views of being single a few weeks ago when someone questioned how could I be so busy in life when I don’t have kids…straight faced, eye to eye contact, no malice intent, just a straight forward question to me across a table…I think I may have paused for a split second, no rage inside (which is so weird) and answered…no matter my answer, this person was bewildered…I could see it in her face, no matter the justification I presented, she was mystified by my self-pronounced love for life despite not having children…

sitting at home that night in my silence, I reflected back on this question and had a mean girls moment where I pictured myself flying across the table and fucking drop kicking her in the throat, but I giggled instead…it’s 2017…I remind myself…it’s 2017…

why must we question others’ choices I wonder…I work diligently to break down the hierarchal boundaries that exist in my professional world, I thought my personal world was safe…in the political world we live in, as a woman I applaud loudly as we strive to make a mark in this world…a gathering of women marching strongly for the betterment of a generation to learn harder, speak louder and love healthier…but somehow we’ve learned through life that knocking each other down is okay as long as it’s not face to face or as long as we say I’m sorry or as long as we love each other…

the cut of a tongue…

living life to our fullest potential is really a gift…I look around my own world and there’s so much uncertainty as to who will be here tomorrow…I look around my own world and I think how was I so lucky to get the people I choose to surround me, surround me…why am I the person I am…because I am is basically the answer…no one person shall understand the depth of another nor should they try…experiences shape and mould us…the bad, the good and the ugly – god I think that’s a movie 🙂

the cut of a tongue…the glare of an eye…

I learn everyday that I am literally the carbon copy of my parents…my mother’s sarcasm…my father’s quick wit…my mother’s motherly worry…my father’s everything worry…my mother’s lack of morning pep…my father’s powerful mind and sharp tongue…and both their love, support, work ethic and open mind – well my mother’s open mind and my father’s ability to fight the good fight…ain’t no one stepping over this hogan, he claims…and so I pronounce loudly, ain’t no one stepping over this hogan either pops…

I’m not sure when I realized humanity really needs a swift kick to the crotch…it’s usually on days when I claim, I can’t adult today with a smile on my face – the smile meaning I’m joking, the smile meaning fuck I don’t wanna be an adult today…

it’s funny that when I describe my upbringing to people, I always go to the supper table and rejoice in the fact that my parents made sure we ate together nightly…it was a place that we came together as a family…it was a place where we shared our thoughts about the day and our plans for our tomorrow…not many families do that anymore and I really think it’s a shame…I fret for days gone by sometimes…I fret for that family I could have had sitting around the table with me and I fret for those that have a family and choose not to sit around the table with their kids…technology, busy schedules, extracurricular activities, and work always seems to take precedence these days…making the almighty dollar to have the almighty house, the cars for summer, the cars for winter, the newest brand names and the biggest vacation album… kids of this generation, I’m not sure what they’ll remember about supper times…

the cut of a tongue…the glare of an eye…the subtle rise of the eyebrows…

my new quest in life is to live in the moment…be honest despite the hurt that comes with it…drink the Kool-Aid of those who love Kool-Aid…align with those who choose to align with me…and to rid my inner world of those who live in a negative energy field….i went to a gathering of colleagues a while ago and the discussion was around energy and how our sensory systems continue to develop as we grow and how our energy systems need nourishing to flourish…energy systems – danielle of 2006 would have punched danielle of 2017 in the throat for this new belief….even my 2004 self isn’t over my passion of horses yet…and here I am bringing in energy fields to my repertoire…

I never realized how much I loved learning up until a few years ago…I blame my parents for my desire to be knowledgeable, to be innovative, to be a leader, to be heard…I blame society for wanting to break me down…what’s the saying, 2steps ahead and 4steps back…every now and then when the world is cruising, I lose track of my negative experiences and I soar…and then…

the cut of a tongue…the glare of an eye…the subtle rise of the eyebrows…

my words of my practice ring in my head…you can’t control how others react to you, you can only control how you react to others…and then I raise my eyebrows and think shut the fuck up danielle…and then I breath…and then I laugh…although I sometimes cry…funny story, I was sitting in my car one day crying and I’m an ugly crier…a lady knocked on my window and I nearly had a heart attack…but the lady knocked on my window and I rolled the window down…are you okay sweetheart, she asked…oh my goodness yes, I responded as I wiped a tear away from my smudged glasses…it was a hospital parking lot and she definitely thought I had just found out the worst news ever but I responded ‘hard day at work’, she smiled and softly said, ‘every day won’t be our best sweetheart but remember it’s the experiences in our lives that makes us better with each passing day’…I smiled…she walked away slowly, got in her car and drove away…

the passion of a stranger…

if your work doesn’t define you, you won’t get me…if your desire to make a difference in this world isn’t a priority, you won’t get me…if you’ve never been obsessed with your dog, you won’t get me…if you’ve never been called a name that hurt your insides, you won’t get me…if you’ve never been told, you gotta lose weight, you won’t get me…if you’ve ever been told, maybe you’re doing too much in the middle of a break down, you won’t get me…

it’s out of love they say…it’s out of concern they say…it’s out of their mouths before the sting is visible…

I can’t say sharing isn’t my strongest skill anymore…for those that really know me and have seen me in action, I actually share everyday and I’m pretty darn good at it…sharing equals vulnerability and it’s the cut of a tongue, the glare of an eye and the subtle rise of the eyebrows that can paralyze that love of sharing…I share to guide, to coach, to enable, to facilitate and to problem solve…I share with those that listen, that respect and that are invested in me as a professional and as an individual…

too many times in life we have to explain who we are, why we are like we are and be asked to be different because our mannerisms are uncomfortable to others…too many times our vulnerability is let loose only to be trapped in a web we can not escape…too many times honesty reshapes barriers where barriers were built long before…a friend of mine the other day said the cool kids now say ‘you be you and I’ll be me’ – we chuckled and giggled…and then I thought…I love that…i’ll be me and you be you…it fits so nicely where I am as a 46year old independent woman, bombarded with life at times, blasted for her inability to let go at times and wanting to be loved for just being her…

no matter who you define yourself as, don’t falter…surround yourself with those that build you up despite your downfalls…be a mystery to those who question what makes you tick…if they haven’t figured it out yet, they won’t…the map to your life is unfinished, keep chasing the vision in your head and folly on…those who walk with you are keepers, those who walk ahead of you never had your best interest at heart and those that walk behind you never really tried to keep your beat…

smile without thought…cry with dignity…mourn with hope…be angry when needed…giggle your ass off at least once a day…feelings are healthy as long as we don’t live in them…be the best person you can be moment to moment…at times, you’ll suck #sorrynotsorry but at times, you’ll soar…

in my life experiences I’ve come to realize that although we can’t love everyone, no one person is a better human than you are…put your own self on a pedestal and never jump off…that’s self-worth – it’s a priceless essential…let no man, woman or beast take it away…

the cut of a tongue…the glare of an eye…the subtle rise of the eyebrows…

life…46years of it and counting – ‘you be you and I’ll be me’

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the best day in my life was the worst day in theirs…

today larry is 11 and my love and thankfulness lives on…

Nanette Danielle

I’ve always known that I’m addicted to my phone…but I actually laughed at myself a little while ago and thought jesus, this is an obsession…I was in the bathroom at the airport, waiting to board my flight…I was in a line up of anxious travellers trying to empty their bladders before heading to other parts of the world…I think the thought of using a airplane bathroom haunts a lot of us…as I was waiting for my turn, I felt my bag vibrate and I immediately reached in and pulled out the phone…sure enough, yup it was ringing – it was my sister…

so here’s where joey turns crae crae…my first thought was weird, why is she calling, we were just texting…my second thought was obvi something is wrong…but before the third thought came to my head, I was saying ‘hey sis’…her bubbly voice answers ‘hey just wanted to say have…

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sorry not sorry…#unapologeticself

my sister gave me a necklace this year for Christmas…the card attached read “I’m not sorry” – “she is unapologetically herself”…it was both beautiful and inspiring…it lies neatly around my neck and it defines quite nicely how I have chosen to live my life…she did it again #winning…I’m not sure if she knows how this necklace made me feel but it stirred up enough thoughts to write….

I sit on my floor this morning and I gaze at my pup laying on the couch, my face to his nose so I can feel the warm air he exhales…breathing in and out, I wait for that warm air to brush my lips and nose…he snores, I chuckle…breathing in and out…it’s the last day of 2016…i choose today to be alone so I can reflect on my year…the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful…i didn’t use all my insurance for my psychologist but drained my insurance for my naturopath, so I think I’m dealing with things a bit differently than 2014…

I think we all get sentimental around the new year and this year I question – but why…tomorrow is certainly a brand new day, a brand new start but so was yesterday and so is today…why do we always yearn for that Monday start or that January one start…a start is defined as the beginning of something and not as the beginning of something ‘on Monday’ or as the beginning of something ‘on January 1st”…we need to stop kidding ourselves and take some responsibility for how we live our lives, take ownership of the decisions we make and ultimately admit that we are okay…

we humans tend to hold onto the negative experiences and brush the positive experiences aside…I’m guilty of it but by god I’m not letting the negative experiences define my person nor take over my memories of a full year anymore…did that, wore the t-shirt, rode the pity party bus and then realized I had to jump the fuck off before I let bad vibes tarnish my memories of days past and steal the hope of my days to come…

as years pass by I try to live without regret…every decision I made got me to here…every choice I’ve made got me to here and here is okay…every year people experience loss – loss that makes your heart ache with every beat and that loss is often unbearable but every morning you take one foot and place it on the floor and you follow that with your second foot and you get out the door…life is a fascinating thing…it’s unforgiving, it’s everlasting…I find myself crying lately for things that I will lose and not for what I have lost…funny thing about me – the losses are numerous, the heart in several pieces but still working as a functioning unit to sustain me…but the past is the past and I cannot grieve it any longer…I lump my experiences into a big ball of ‘get your ass out of bed you fucktard’ and I forge on…my sadness for what is to come is also ludicrous – I know this and I lump all that anxiety into a big ball of ‘get your ass out of bed you fucktard’ and I forge on…

see you can’t live in the past nor in the future…if we do so we miss today and today has the potential to be the best day ever…

she is unapologetically herself…

ever try to define yourself…I can’t be the only one…I so thrive on feedback, it excites me knowing what others see in me…am I doing all I can do to effect change…am I doing all I can to make others think, reflect and pursue something in life…am I doing all I can to make others love themselves…am I doing all I can that when I’m gone, they’ll say ‘she did all she could do to love life’…

it’s not easy being close to me…it’s not easy being my sister, my parents or my friend…I’m not sorry for the person I’ve become…I think I’ve written in the past that I was always that person that said yes to everything, went to everything, smiled for everyone and was everyone’s best friend…that was then and I was fucking miserable…this is now and I say no, nope, nada, never, and hells no…when questioned why – my reply is simply ‘just cause’…it makes me a bitch, it makes me unapproachable, it makes me stubborn – that’s what others think…but me – it makes me happy, it upholds the danielle that I’ve created, it allows me to be true to my passion…I wear my heart on my sleeve – you’ll never question whether I’m unhappy, angry, perturbed or simply bored – you’ll know it…I am self aware, I am confident, and I am me – unapologetic…

life could be so much easier if I could go with the flow and embrace the day as others want me to…but holy no…my unapologetic self will always be passionate, will always draw enemies, will always swim upstream, will always face resistance, will always lose friends but will always have your back and remain true to the person she has chosen to become…no one made me the person I am today, that’s my own doing and damn I did good…

a new beginning…

albeit a new start – there will be heart ache…it’s life folks…not one of us will not be affected…god that sounds terrible…but I’m learning as I grow older, loss is inevitable and I think it’s why I’m so unapologetic…I need to love now…I need to learn all I can now…I need to embrace all I can now…because there is no guarantee that I will have a tomorrow…I need to lay my head on my pillow at night and thank the stars that my day was a good day…with loss comes strength…with loss comes growth…with loss comes tears and heart ache – but how lucky are we to have had people in our lives that we cherish…if someone chooses not to be in your life you need to thank them for not wasting your precious time…time is valuable…never let others try to take you down…stand up for yourself – learn to love yourself…

I learned long ago if you don’t love yourself first, how is anyone going to love you the right way…I finally love myself and I tell myself that everyday…#weird no #awesome…

she is unapologetically herself…

in 2017 keep the fire that ignites the passion in you going…it’s not about weight, it’s not about relationships, it’s not about a bigger house, it’s not about more money, it’s not about more anything – it’s about you and what you do with each precious moment of your life…embrace it, strap on your wings and forge on…never regret – always remember…

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reflections…

sitting at a table in a crowded coffee shop – reflecting…

sitting on my patio, surrounded by nature and a dog – reflecting…

driving aimlessly down the road with the dog panting in my ear – reflecting…

lying in bed at night, lavender oils filling the air – reflecting…

my god I’m a reflecting whore…

I remember in university the word reflection sent us into a spiral of eye rolling, f-bombs and blank stares into the twilight zone…why must we always fucking reflect we’d scream to ourselves as we dug into the chips and dip and sipped our beers…reflections were to be documented, reflections were to make us better thinkers, better clinicians, better empathizers…just better…that was 15years ago when that word became part of my vernacular…

today it means something greater to me…it means I’m comfortable in my mind…people often don’t believe me when I say that I literally can sit and clear my mind – thinking of nothing just blank space, well those that have seen me hypnotized can vouch for my ability to lose myself but others are non-believers…I hate myself for saying this but I love reflecting…as long as that reflecting is healthy and I don’t get caught up in unhealthy thoughts cause that happens…

reflections…

lately I’ve been trying to calm my mind and body before settling in at bedtime…i’m starting to realize that I need to start practicing what I preach on a daily basis…

a few weeks ago I had an episode that scared me – a medical scare that has since resolved (no need to worry)…I was home alone and terrified…but I was calm…my mind was racing, my phone was dying, my dog was sleeping…knowing a little about the medical field I had myself diagnosed, deficits identified, house for sale and home care workers hired – despite being calm, I was full of worse case scenario…that night I became dependent on others and it was the worst feeling ever…I managed to call a dear friend who stood by me the whole night and what she witnessed was a mess…a mess that we can now laugh at but a mess…fast forward about 2days later and I began to realize that as much as I preach I am independent and I don’t need anyone, I realized I was dependent on everyone in my life…and those people were ready and willing to jump at the chance to help me…

I became humbled…

my preaching gets me into trouble sometimes and I’m so damn stubborn that my own mother said and I quote “I feel sorry for you how you block people out” – I laughed at this when she said it but was she ever right…I am the master of blocking people out…I am the master of ‘I can do that myself’ until a few weeks ago when I became dependent for the first time in my life on my friends to help me with day to day things…things we take for granted…the funny thing was that I wasn’t the one who reached out either – why I wonder am I that god damn stubborn…it was another dear friend who quietly reached out to others to tell them that I needed to be checked on because my parents were travelling…when confronted she said ‘obviously I told them, you weren’t going to you fool’…we chuckled cause she was so right…

always the rescuer, never the rescued…so I preached…

not asking for help in my life, makes me strong – that’s what my stubborn mind tells me…well in reflection it just makes me stupid…

as I sat home on leave, I reflected daily…my phone never stopped, my friends reaching out hourly to make sure I had everything I needed…humbled, happy, lucky, relieved but above all willing to accept help…that’s hard for me…accepting help…these feelings always lead me to back to weakness and vulnerability and I feel like every time I write I use those words…but I’m learning that in life, lessons take a life time to learn and I have a desire to share, to educate, to enlighten, to reiterate that weakness is strength…

my father sat me down the other day and said, yup it’s my fault for how you are…you have my desire, my anger, my work ethic, my cut throat tongue and my unwillingness to be weak but dancer (yes that what he calls me) it’s killing you…and when he said that I think back to when he was my age, I remember seeing him angry at the world, screaming into the phone at inconsistencies in his work life, carrying the weight of the job on his shoulders, phone constantly ringing, people constantly fighting and him the rescuer…I am my father’s daughter…I witnessed him fall, I witnessed him struggle, I witnessed him save himself, I witnessed him change and I witnessed him survive…I think the thing that scares him the most is that he sees me experiencing the same thing he did…but he’s the one trying to break my fall and up until now I wouldn’t let him catch me, until now…

reflections…

I’ve become my father…I’m laughing as I’m writing this because I so am…when this finally hit me, I am painstakingly transposed back to my youth – I close my eyes and I see my father’s figure at the table, phone to his ear, red in the face, puffy in eyes from lack of sleep, lack of quietness, lack of peace…I hear my mother plead, don’t answer that phone call, let it go to voicemail…I see my father squirm cause he can’t – he picks up and the cycle continues again…these people need me, there’s no one else that knows about this…omg I’m my father…

reflections…

when dad wanted to return to work, I wrote him a return to work plan – yes I did…and now they write mine…

so my bedtime routine, is a routine…it involves lavender oil, reading for enjoyment and reflecting…waking in a pool of drool means its working…independent versus dependent – two words that guide my clinical practice and perhaps I’ve held on to the meaning it takes on in my work world and haven’t embraced what it means to me as a person…being independent is who I am but I have a wealth of friends I don’t give enough credit to…I have a wealth of friends that I need and saying that kicks me in the guts a little because it makes me vulnerable…but again practicing what I preach is what I aim for in life…

if we don’t open ourselves up because we’re afraid to be hurt or disappointed, we’re missing out on the kindness and love that those around us want to give…not everyone has the opportunity to live and experience emotions…we need to place value on the opportunities that present themselves to us and let go off the negativity that comes with hurt but rather embrace that hurt and understand that it is okay because we are alive…sad feelings are okay because we learn from them and we nourish our bodies and souls from all emotions…

for those that have left this earth, I’m sure they’d long for one more moment to feel emotion – any emotion…living is a gift…don’t be stupid and waste it…live it, embrace it and own it…

today I sit alone on my patio with my dog at my feet and I reflect and smile a little wider…

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boyfriends* and bullies are fucktards…*only the mean ones :-)

did you find when you were younger you thought you knew everything and the cockiness that exuded with that knowledge, in hindsight was a tad bit out of line…my own cockiness about being a good friend, a good girlfriend, a good daughter, a good sister, a good worker is slowly diminishing as the years progress….as you experience each experience in life, expectations of how the story ends often disappoints…that’s what I’m learning in my 40’s…lower the expectations and you’ll have less disappointments…but jesus how low does one go…do we put out positive vibes to the universe and sit back and wait…hummm how’s that going for ya….

I remember a friend once saying “I’m a good friend and I expect others to treat me as I do them”…and yah she’s right…but is that setting us up for frustrations…and one could insert any word in that sentence “I’m a good worker…” or “I’m a good girlfriend” and still the story ends in frustrations…I’m struggling to strike the balance and I often wonder if others are too…and then as I sit back, I think is there a balance…I’m happy with what I’ve accomplished and the path I’ve taken may not make sense to others and I like to think I don’t care…but then the human emotions in me tell me I do…I share and I don’t get the response I want, I don’t share and I don’t get the response I want – then the fuck it I can’t win response comes to my lips…

looking back on my life, there has been tremendous growth in me as a person…I can own that…I don’t think my parents would have mapped out my life the way I experienced it…I think they love the person I am today and are super proud of the work I do…but I think they must have had many sleepless nights thinking ‘what the fuck’…it is so not all rainbows and butterflies and puffy carebears and smurfs in the backyard…

I watched the dr. phil show the other day, yes I’m addicted and he had posted warning signs of how you know you are in an abusive relationship – I ticked 8 out of 9…past not current – don’t freak out my peeps…I’ve come to realize that some past years of my life were honestly miserable despite the smiles and laughs, deep down the self-hate started back then…the worthlessness, the degradation, the blah-blah-blahness of my world weighed me down…my mother sent me a picture the other week and it was taken around this time and I shrilled at the look of my young, innocent face…the lack of luster, the lack of confidence and the pure hidden eagerness that lived inside of me, yet was not allowed to surface…I wrote ‘never ever share that with anyone’…she wrote, ‘I won’t sweetheart just reminiscing’…

it’s hard being vulnerable and it’s even harder staring at that vulnerability when it’s you…but vulnerability is strength…it’s guided me to where I am today…it helps me help others…that picture made me feel icky…it took me back to the very day it was taken…it took me back to a dark place that I never want to go again…it’s amazing how a flicker in time can stir so many emotions…it should have been sadness that was conjured up but it was actually anger…god I’m my father’s daughter – bit of anger never hurt anyone danielle…but honestly anger deep in my belly…an anger at myself for being such a fucking idiot but more so an anger at the other person for being such a dick…how one human can degrade another human boggles my mind…

it would happen to me once more…degradation should be a punishable by stoning – back to the biblical times…

I truly never thought of myself as having had been in a relationship like I was and it really didn’t hit me until another experience caused me to lose myself…I lost myself again for about two years, two long, long years…actually it was probably longer than that but my memory allows me to say two…as a successful career woman, I devote my time to my work…I chose that…I don’t need a husband, I don’t yearn for children, I don’t long for a bigger house and I don’t need to live an extravagant life…what I need is my sanity, my confidence, my clear mind, my desire to make a difference, my longing to uphold my namesake and my link – myself…that was taken away from me again a few years ago…

it’s hard being vulnerable…and boy am I angry at myself…what’s the saying, fool me once, shame on you…fool me twice, shame on me…well shame shame on me for I let that degradation resurface into a monster I never thought I’d battle…but battle I fucking did…

deep inhale in and here goes – did you ever think at your age you could be caught in the middle of a storm so powerful that you literally lost all your senses…imagine no beginning, no middle and no ending to a storm that brewed its’ head ever so slowly…a tiny gust of wind here…a drizzle of rain there…the blue sky changing before your eyes into a dark, deep black swirling overhead…did you ever meet someone so sweet and kind and captivating that you get tangled in a weave of deception…every word, every gesture, every sentence, every emotion, every movement becomes the beginning of your ending…

when you get yourself out of a slump and you soar into a new world where you embrace every moment, you swear never again body, mind and soul, never again will you be that young, innocent girl in that picture that lacked luster and confidence…when mom showed me it, I thought ahhhh for fucks sake I did it again…why share this now, because I’m learning that even the strongest people fall sometimes…confidence, competence, and a love for living is not enough sometimes because that innocence that exists in all of us sometimes makes us vulnerable to the predators around us…

some of you know and some of you don’t know that I was bullied and harassed as an adult in an environment that I adore…there I said it…I’m not a young girl in school who is being bullied because I’ve got pimples and I’m overweight…I’m not a high school student who sent sexy pictures to my boyfriend who now has them posted all over social media…I’m not a young kid struggling with my sexuality and being cornered in the school yard…but I’m no different them any of them going through this…I was a 43 year old successful career woman targeted for reasons beyond my understanding…

I lived a lie for a while, not knowing what was happening until someone took me aside and said it out loud to me ‘you are being bullied’ and handed me a book on harassment…I reached for a tissue, which ended up being a bounce sheet and I let the tears flow…heads up a bounce sheet doesn’t work well on a tear filled face – may work well for static but not this, I promise…I can speak freely of this experience now without having a meltdown, well not a major one at least…for those that stayed by me, phew – thank you…for those that I lost, I’m sorry I wasn’t able to sustain us…

I kept saying how does an adult be bullied…I’ve read, I’ve talked, I’ve meditated, I’ve drank, I’ve cried…I’ve wanted to run, run as fast as I could and I was on the verge of leaving something I loved for the simply notion to run…and then I remembered I don’t run – like legit physically don’t run…lol lol…no seriously, my father taught me never to run and that allowed me to slow down…it allowed me to slow down and experience the bullying and the harassing in an almost mindful manner…sounds super creepy but I let myself slow down to experience it, so I could be strong enough to stand up to it…I refer to them as it because bullies don’t deserve a proper introduction…

why share this though…why blog…well because it’s hard being vulnerable…but I now know vulnerability is strength and I now know bullies target strength by honing in on the innocence that exists in our person…and that’s okay – it’s nothing I did…it’s nothing I said…I can’t own it because I didn’t create it…but I can own my reaction to it and I can own how it’s made me grow into a better person, a better clinician and better human…but it’s changed me in a way that I can’t explain to some…like the young, innocent girl in the picture lacking luster and confidence, I am now that career focused adult full of confidence that lives with chronic stress…

I watched a video the other day on stress and what stress does to your body…the physiological impact that occurred inside my body wrecked me…what once was strong muscles, clear skin, free mind, legs that could walk forever – is gone…the joy, the desire to engage in meaningful activities, the sound of laughter, the desire for passion and love, the desire to take care of myself – out the window…as I ticked off the trigger points from dr. phil on relationships, I found I was again ticking off the trigger points from this god blessed cartoon video on stress…

I did a group recently on anxiety which in hindsight is freaking hilarious looking back because I probably had the highest anxiety amongst the peeps in the room…like legit wanted to jump out of my own skin as I lectured on this common phenomenon…some stress is good I would say, it often is that motivating factor that you need to put the skip in your step when starting something new…too much stress, I would say is a bad thing because it’s more than just an emotion it’s a physical response…I would go through symptoms of stress and ask have you ever experienced heartburn (inner voice says yes), irritability (inner voice screams fuck yes), headaches (yup losing my sight from time to time), cravings for comfort food (inner voice says yup don’t even cook anymore), weight gain (inner voices says for fucks sake, #obvi), insomnia (inner voice says yes), acne (skin looks like shit, yup), or fatigue (I yawn when I say the word fatigue, so yup)…

why am I the girl who had to have a shitty relationship that probably fucked me over to the point that trust is an everlasting issue…why am I the girl who was bullied as an adult…well because shit happens…it’s not the end of the world to have had my experiences…it’s a gift to have had my experiences…it takes a lot to reteach your mind about the fight or flight concept…but my experiences have made me sit back and realize that I only enjoy flights that take me to sunny destinations…there is so much going on in this world around us…why do we as a society feel the need to break others down…as humans we do that enough to ourselves…I’m not getting younger, I’m not going to get a second chance to live my life…this is it, this is who I am, this is what I got and this is my journey to celebrate as I choose…

going into the next phase of my life, I refuse to give in to the evils of this world that often surround us…yah I may lose myself for a while and I may need a kick in the guts to come back around but knowing that I’m a survivor keeps me going…knowing that I stood up and screamed NO keeps me going…I made a pack with myself that I will never give up on myself, I will be the most important person in my life and I will choose me over and over again because I only got one life to live…let’s make it memorable…

don’t worry about being the good friend, the good girlfriend, the good daughter, the good sister or the good worker – work on being the best you first, that’s where happiness starts…bad shit happens everyday but today you woke up breathing – embrace that…

it’s hard being vulnerable but it’s super fun growing old happily…

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a letter to my father…

reblogging just because this man, i adore…#happyfathersday

Nanette Danielle

Without you there would be no me…

I’m sure the first words you said to me were “fuckin fuck you nearly killed your mother” as you held this tiny babe in your hands…what in the world was going through your mind as mom laid in a bed in recovery and you in a room with a brand new baby…well “fuck” was either at the start or the end of the sentence, who am I kidding it was definitely the first and last word…you always were a man of many words…

I’ll never know who you were then…but mom did and she picked you and we know she’s picky…I thank god for you daily and I thank the world for placing me in your arms that day many years ago…

despite the struggles, despite the heartaches, despite the long hours and days, you worked your ass off for us…I remember the…

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