a letter to my father…

Without you there would be no me…

I’m sure the first words you said to me were “fuckin fuck you nearly killed your mother” as you held this tiny babe in your hands…what in the world was going through your mind as mom laid in a bed in recovery and you in a room with a brand new baby…well “fuck” was either at the start or the end of the sentence, who am I kidding it was definitely the first and last word…you always were a man of many words…

I’ll never know who you were then…but mom did and she picked you and we know she’s picky…I thank god for you daily and I thank the world for placing me in your arms that day many years ago…

despite the struggles, despite the heartaches, despite the long hours and days, you worked your ass off for us…I remember the sound of a pager and knowing that it would wake you from your sleep but you’d jump at the chance of a call-in…it meant providing for us…I remember you holding my hand and guiding me through life…just as you do today…I love holding your hand…it makes me feel like your little girl all over again…

you are the epitome of a raging bull – you always taught us that no one, no one was better than us and that we too were no better than others – we are all equals in this world, we will work for what we need…you taught us to speak up for ourselves, to strive for knowledge, to strive for a better life…you taught me to curse and boy am I a trucker…you taught me anger, you taught me rage, you taught me love, you taught me laughter, you taught me happiness– you taught me…my lessons sometimes took tutoring but in the end, I am definitely your child…you would go to the ends of the earth for me and sometimes that’s why I hide things from you…you would seriously lose your shit if we were hurt – physically or mentally…you would seriously lose your shit if our spirits were dampened…you would seriously lose your shit and well you have – that’s why you’re a raging bull…but you’re my raging bull and for that I am the independent woman I am today…

you are the epitome of a giant, snuggly teddy bear…as you read this I hear you in my head saying “fuckin fuck”…but people need to know that…you have the heart of an angel in that big ole angry persona of yours…your job is your job and you fight to the ends of the earth for your members….but when that door opens and you see mom, you melt…you are truly the most important thing in her world…for a woman to say she still gets butterflies when she sees you after all these years – you know you’re a good man…grandma and grandpa did good…

losing your dad at a young age had to be the most difficult thing in your life…I never met him but I think of him often and what a tremendous man he must have been to raise you…dad, I don’t know how you did everything you did for us…I don’t know how you got to where you are today – remember I found your report cards and dude were you angry…lol lol…you are a gentle giant with stories of hardship and stories of triumphs…you love your life, I see it in your eyes…

you were always a savage and still are…now I mean savage in a good way…you were the disciplinarian, if you could call it that…the yelling, the chasing, the timbit on top of the tv…the yelling, the chasing, the tire in between me and Stephen in the back of the car…the yelling, the chasing, the walks on the trails…like you are the most hilarious father that a girl could ever have…mom might have taught us sarcasm, but you taught us laughter…watching you do the ball and the paper bag trick, sure I still think david copperfield would eat that shit up…the horsie – well that seriously remains a hogan secret…the hiding in the closet with an old man mask on and punching Nadine in the face, sure that’s golden…savage sir savage…when a person says ‘watch out for her, she’s ed hogan’s daughter’ you know you’ve paved the road for me…the road to success…the road to ‘don’t fuck with her’…

there are so many memories…and so many more to be made…you were always meant to be my dad…I wouldn’t fit anywhere else…

with all your stories about friends and trips and what you used to do, I am surprised you guys didn’t lose the works of us in those days…you’d pack us up and road trip with us…there was no technology then, no ipads/ipods/iphones – just eyes in the car playing ‘I spy’ or counting railway tracks to grandma’s house…I’m so happy I grew up in that era and not now sitting in a car with headphones on or watching a movie or playing a game…sure that’s when we fought, but that’s also when we grew…thank you for that…I think kids these days miss out on that and for that I’m sad…

I would love to have been a fly on the wall when you listened to me playing the piano and being told that you should buy me one…I would love to have been a fly on the wall when my auntie pinned the diaper directly into my thigh…I would love to have been a fly on the wall when I said daddy for the first time…I would love to have been a fly on the wall when I met all those milestones…i’m not sure if you always wanted kids, like mom you’d never say no to me…but honestly pops, you were meant to be a dad…

I hope I make you proud…because dude you make me proud…proud to be your daughter…you’ve paved a world of opportunity for us…and for that I am so thankful…through all the years of not knowing where we’d be, who’d we be, how’d we survive – well you pretty much knew Stephen would survive, but for me and Nadine, I’m sure you lost sleep…and to go a little deeper, I’m sure you lost years thinking about Nadine…oh the Sunday dinners – the helicopter pilot, the Buddhist, the professional snow boarder, the dreams…you’d sit, mumbling “fuckin fuck” and we’d laugh…never have you ever dampened our dreams, stunted our growth nor called us out when we’re being assholes…how a parent does that I’ll never know…

never a day goes by that I don’t talk to you and never a day goes by that you don’t ask, “have you talked to your sister today”, “have you talked to your brother today” – I remain silent and you say “jesus danielle, they’re all you got for fucks sake, call”…always a man of many words…you truly will parent us to the bitter end…and for that I adore you…no matter how old I get, no matter what mischief I find myself, no matter how much finny tears up your backyard, you cherish me…i can’t imagine a life without my memories of what you and mom created for us…I am privy to the other side…I am the person I am today because of the love you bestow upon me…it gives me strength, encouragement, confidence and the power to be the person I am…

I believe the moment you held me for that first time, after you screamed “save my wife you cocksuckers” – you fell in love for the second time in your life…momma will always be your first love, but I’ll take second to her…but daddy you’re the first man I’ve ever loved and you’ll honestly be the only man in my life that I will always love…for the love of a father can never be replaced…you are my mentor, my guiding light, somedays a pain in my ass but overall the love of my life and the reason i am the woman i am today…

no matter what life has in store for us, I’ll always want to hold your hand…

and remember when you’re gone – i’m having a taxidermist stuff you and put you in your chair – insert hogan humour…

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9years ago tonight…#organdonationsaveslives

9years ago tonight I went to bed…

june 8, 2006 greeted me with a sunrise…it was a Thursday…

we were six…unprepared…

mom was at the rooms with my aunt and my dad was alone…

the phone rang…

our lives changed…

two years before nearly to the day my father was given a 50/50 chance of survival…”call the family in, there’s nothing we can do”…

9 words – my life fell apart…

fast forward 2years and there was hope…but with the hope came a sacrifice, a sacrifice from a stranger…

for them 9years ago tonight is a memory that brings heartache…

for us 9years ago tonight is a memory that brings a new start…

9…

tonight I think of the family that struggles to remember the last hand hold, the last kiss, the last words, the last smiles, the last touch…there’s a child with no father tonight to say good night…to kiss their cheek…to reminisce about the day…there’s a child tonight trying to forget 9years ago…there’s a wife with no husband tonight to say I love you to…to kiss good night…to share the stories of their children’s successes…there’s a wife tonight trying to keep her husband, the father of her children’s memory alive…for today was the day they decided to say “let’s let go”…

I think back over the last 9years and I think holy god, where did time go…and then as I sit back I think of all the people that have come in and out of our lives, the successes and failures, the deaths and the births…all my memories of the last 9years, he shared…the thought of a day without my father, makes my heart ache…I thought that day was in june 2004 and again in june 2006…

we make fun of him and tell him that every Friday I get a slight panic attack when the phone rings – see he always chose Fridays to get sick…and well june, june was always the month…so when the last Friday of every june comes and goes, I breathe a sigh of relief…onward to 10 I’ll say…

organ donation is a selfless act, I think I wrote last year that it is the most selfless act a person can do and I truly believe that…we talked about this the other night – mom, dad, my sister and brother in law…we talked about june 2004 and then june 2006 and I looked at my brother in law and said “yah, aren’t you glad you weren’t around those years”…#funtimesinthehoganhousehold

today we are 9…a brother in law and 2 little adorable nephews fills the house to 9…without that selfless act of a stranger and he’s family, those additions would never have gotten the chance to know and love the man I adore…the man who carries Larry the Liver as a trophy of gratitude…

to those waiting…my thoughts and prayers are with you…

to those deciding…talk to a recipient – listen to their words…

to those who don’t know what you’ll do…you will…

to those families who have lost family members and made that tough decision…thank you…

this is my story…it’s not over yet…keep reading…

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order that red bull bitch – you’re gonna need wings in a few years…

I read a quote the other day, it read – burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie…don’t save it for a special occasion – today is special…

my mother taught me this many years ago…we all have that dress, that bracelet, that pair of earrings, those fancy shoes and that purse hung in our closets that we are saving, saving for that right moment, that perfect date, that perfect party or that perfect occasion…afraid of a stain, a wasted moment, a damn I wore that for this memory…but what if tomorrow never comes…what if you never get asked on that date…what if no night is more perfect than this unexpected night…what about today doesn’t deserve your best…

hope…a loaded four letter word that I love…how many times do the words come out of our mouths – I hope it’s warmer tomorrow…I hope this summer is good…I hope I get my dream job…I hope that cute guy asks me out…I hope…I hope…we live our lives in hope…these past few years, my hope is narrowed down a bit…I now hope that there is a tomorrow…I hope that when I lay my head on the pillow at night, that if this were my last night would I be happy with my day…there’s an old wives’ tale that supposedly saves marriages – never go to bed angry…I’ve stolen that saying but it’s more about me not going to bed angry at myself or the world…I’ve spent countless nights staring at the ceiling, wounded, hurt, disappointed, disheartened, beaten and sad…until I discovered that I am my own spouse and I’ll be damned if I’m ruining my relationship with myself cause damn I’m a catch….

we all have one shot at this thing called life…one shot…some of us fuck it up from time to time (insert hogan hardtimes circa 2011-2014) and some of us sail through…although those that say that sail through and fucking liars – sarry folks but you are…we’re all screw ups in our own worlds…it’s how we bounce back that counts…those that stick around us albeit at a distance are the reasons we keep fighting…my family jokes about the 7year curse…most of our past relationships started to crumble at the 7year mark…so as new relationships are wavering between those dreaded 6 and 7 year mark, we sometimes crinch…

I read once that if a friendship lasts longer than 7 years, psychologists say it will last a lifetime…

with that lifetime commitment there are also barriers within…life’s challenges overrides our desires, hopes and aspirations…life’s challenges kicks us in the behind or slaps us straight across the face…it stings…it hurts like hell…it tastes foul…

saying good bye…

pretty inevitable at some point in our lives…i was chatting with my mother the other night and we were just chit chatting and i was fooling around that when she doesn’t answer the phone, i picture something bad happening and i said ‘please never die on me’…she responded with a calmness in her voice and an unassuming smile on her face and simply said ‘sure sweetie, we’re all dying right now’…i seriously nearly spit the water out of my mouth…we laughed and laughed and i screamed ‘MOM’…to which she answered ‘well am i not right’…she is right, she is…damn mothers…when you squeeze the babies out of your va-jay-jay, is there a ‘now you will know everything grasshopper’ manual that comes after the placenta…

experiencing loss is something that we all will experience in our lives…what good can come of it…gathering together to celebrate the life of a loved one is a heart warming experience…coming together to mourn is a spiritual experience that makes us stop for a second, bow our heads and think deep and hard…what I think is what have I done in my life that would warrant people to cherish my memory…loss, it’s inevitable, it’s hard and it’s reality…

I find I’m at that age now that I never dreamed I’d be at…I always thought I would always desire that need to party, to drink my face off on a Friday night to wash away the goings on of the work week, to drink my face off on a Saturday night to wash away the goings on of the Friday night binge, to live lavishly, to spent every waking minute with those friends that have surpassed the 7year mark…sometimes I think and joke that I’m broken…like if I had a time machine and traveled back to the world before 40, I would bitch slap myself and say order that red bull bitch – you’re gonna need wings in a few years…I’d also tell myself to slow down, don’t sweat the small stuff, look around you, take it in cause soon there’ll be change…

I’ve dealt with changes in my work life and I’ve had control over a lot of changes in my life…until I lost control over my own thoughts, I never imagined the impact it could have on day to day functioning…I mean I can talk the talk but walking the walk – hell’s no, I couldn’t even crawl the walk! an ultimate break down led me to lose more than I bargained for…they always say the grass is greener on the other side but honestly it’s usually full of nasty weeds…

with loss comes hope…you may be so deep into the loss that the hope seems well, hopeless but that’s where those 7+ year friends come in…they drag your ass to the reality line and some will say ‘dude get your ass in gear’, some will remain silent, some will pour you a drink and some, just some will sit with you, silently, drink in hand and give you that look, the look that everything will be okay…

my hope is to surpass the 7year mark…I was once a victim of it and honestly thanks be to fuck I was…but now, now I’m moving on…we can’t be those people that meet at weddings, funerals, showers and kids bday parties…we need to not go to bed at night angry, we need to be thankful for what we have cause our nothing is somebody’s everything…

we need to be…we need to be wearing that most awesome dress with those earrings and bracelet…we need to be wearing those shoes and using that purse and best of all we need to enjoy cause today is special…

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