life is not all roses and fairytales…it’s a lot about shit and fuckery…

I read an article the other day that was all about ‘not giving a fuck’ – the author counted 127 ‘fuck’ words throughout…I read, I liked, I loved…i was jealous I hadn’t written it…lol lol…over the past year, my motto has been ‘I’ll do what I want to do and everything and everyone else can go fuck themselves’ – harsh, yup…could I have worded it differently, yup…well why didn’t I – cause I truly don’t give a fuck…simply put, vulgarity in place – just fuck…

in elementary school we’re so consumed with our friends liking us, getting invited to parties, getting asked out by the cool boys…in high school pure survival mode but still all consumed with hanging out with your friends, keeping those friends and basically not pissing any of the mean peeps off…in university it was all about getting to the breezeway and consuming – consuming whatever was on special! As the years pass and people come and go, I’m finally fine with that…why does life revolve around needing to feel included? Get out there and be included! Why does life revolve around waiting for the phone to ring? Pick up the phone, your fingers aren’t broke and dial! Why does life change? Because we do…and that’s fine…change is good, change is needed and change is what gets us from elementary to high school to university to work…change designs our lives…

new adventures keep us young…developing new relationships keep us young…challenging ourselves keeps us young and honestly ridding our world of negativity keeps us young…my mother said to me once, ‘darling, you’re never to old to start something new’…I’ve made some brave moves in my life and have taken on things that yah might add a tad bit of stress to my world but hell’s bring it on…

after being what I call a ‘late bloomer’ in the career field, I went back to school at 27 to find myself…I went back again at 30 to go a little deeper in debt and here I am at 43 heading into the grad world and really the bank owns me, so why the fuck not…if I were to identify three top things that I did in my life that brought me joy – it would be these three things…at 27 I felt lost and beaten down, dragging my heels into a classroom I surprisingly met people that would be in my world forever…that experience made me blossom in a way I could never explain…three years later, three years of new friendships, three years of living, three years of learning who I was independent from another being, I packed my bags and found myself on a ferry to another province…the next three years of my life would change my life forever…the friends, well really the family I met there are my world to this day – no one can know what we experienced in those three years…new home, new province, new school, new language, new friends, new, just new everything…with that came a strike, 9-11, hurricane juan, living in a hotel for over 6weeks, and a slew of other experiences to lengthy to list…

over ten years later, here I am again…the pursuit of education, the pursuit of knowledge, the pursuit of a new adventure…the common denominator here is pursuit…the pursuit of change to better myself and better prepare myself for my future…for me, my experience with change has always been good…why do others struggle…

I’ve learned that it’s not about education, it’s not about practicing, it’s not about gaining more knowledge, reading more material…its about believing, believing in oneself…believing that change is good…believing that with change comes reward…not monetary but growth and spiritually… I’ve questioned what makes one person embrace change and another person repel change…I haven’t found the answer yet…

I preach that change is good but I know deep down that I’ve struggled with change over the years, more so in social networks then in my professional world…I’m a creature of habit and I’m learning that sometimes habit creates a dependency…I’m learning to let go of what used to be the ‘norm’ and I’m embracing the ‘new’…sometimes holding on just to hold on isn’t in our best interests…best interest or comfort, that’s my question to myself now when I feel stressed about a ritual, celebration or plan that is changed, modified or simply cancelled…

When I was younger – and by younger I mean even last year – I had visions of everything in my world staying the same…friendships, celebrations, family, and so forth…I always questioned how did others deal with changes to these things…and as I sit back, the light bulb a-ha moment echoes in my head – it’s growth darling (insert my mother’s mother to daughter voice) – but it is, it’s growth…we tend to hang on to the ‘norm’ or ‘what it used to be’ but once growth occurs, that ‘norm’ that ‘what it used to be’ changes instantaneously…and that’s okay…for me it may be a statement, a look, an innuendo, a voice in my head, a situation, a feeling – god I could go on – but once that something is said, once that something is done, once that something occurs, for me there’s no going back…there’s only moving forward…

I’ve been told I hold grudges…and insert valley girl voice ‘like OMG I so do’…but that’s a part of me…like it or move the fuck on…

as I move through life holding my own hand, filling my own purse, paying my own bills, turning off my own alarm clock, making decisions about my own self, I pat myself on my own back…cause damn it I did this, I got myself here to a place that I feel I deserve…it doesn’t matter what others think you should or shouldn’t be doing, it doesn’t matter where others are in their journey of life, it doesn’t matter what your choices are – as long as it doesn’t negatively impact others pat yourself on your own back…

often we wait for or really crave for others attention, validation and that pat on the back for what we’ve accomplished in life…why aren’t we satisfied with our own validation…now don’t get me wrong I’m the first to admit that receiving validation from others is a heart warming feeling and getting that pat on the back whether it’s a warm smile, kind words or a hand written note, is an amazing feeling…but deep down, peeling off all the layers of what makes you who you are – you need to be okay with yourself…validation, appreciation, satisfaction, contentment, happiness – all grow from within us…

i was out with a couple of dear friends the other night and we’ve known each other forever (like at least 10years – inside joke here trying to make someone giggle)…we were talking about how we’ve ‘grown up’ and it feels so good…now again, we miss the good ole days where we dreamt of Friday nights to hit the town, get home Saturday morning go for breakfast before we hit our heads on our pillows…we lived for the next get together, the next party, the next big event…fast forward a few years and we find ourselves wanting more quality time with our own selves…dreaming of Friday nights so we can sit down, catch up on our favourite television show, read that book we bought about 2 years ago or simply to catch up on life’s activities…we chuckled and said ‘how the fuck did we get here’ – simply growth…we all got here at different times, different paces, because of different circumstances whether it was a new relationship, new house, new role but I think we’ve all finally arrived and we’re slowly getting into our new ‘grown up’ routine…it’s about quality time together now instead of quantity…

I think too through the years when you reminisce with those people that truly know you…when you can sit across from them and tear up telling a story, telling of hardship and struggle and not feel awkward…I’ve shed more tears over the last two years because of circumstantial things that I could fill the pool my sister always dreamt of…and my friends have too…it’s a funny thing growth and change…it has made me more comfortable in my own skin and I see that in others…we are learning to share vulnerabilities with each other because that’s where we are in life…that stage of growth that is reaffirming what we’ve done and where we’ve come from…i’m learning the older we get the more vulnerable we are becoming and the more vulnerable we become, the stronger we are…we now have that life experience that we never had many years ago…the experience of life, work, play, and friends has designed our beings…

the more comfortable I feel in my own skin, the more comfortable I see my friends in in their own skin the more we grow together…life is not all roses and fairytales…it’s a lot about shit and fuckery…as long as we can weave the roses and fairytales in through the shit and fuckery, we live a life of adventure and growth…

how did I get here…pure determination – throw in a few fights, a few tears, a few losses, a few punches in my own gut, a few mistakes but a whole lot of love and laughter…

how did you get where you are…

you don’t have to tell your story, you just have to live it…

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don’t let the door hit you on your way out there 2014…

nothing like 4hours of continuous fireworks in the hood to say good bye, kiss my ass, don’t let the door hit you on your way out, au revoir, arrivederci 2014…i’ve been sitting back, computer on lap, the holiday on television, puppy snoring and phone beeping all night wondering what and how to say good bye to this year, the year i’ve termed ‘fucked’…my decision was to write, lay my head on my pillow, put a smile on my face, get puppy snuggled in and be dreaming sweet dreams by midnight…this year doesn’t deserve a big hooray, a big send off nor a celebration…it’s another day, sun goes down, body rests and sun comes up…the thing i’m looking forward to is a new sun tomorrow…

i’ve never been much of a new year’s eve person…with that said I’ve always had plans and I’ve always gotten out of the house but through the years I’ve have had some really crappy celebrations (crawling up george street in a blizzard at 3:30am, high heel shoes on, street meat in hand trying to get a cab) and I’ve had some really great celebrations (sitting at raymonds with my sister putting two beignets in her cheeks and acting like a squirrel as i cried and spit drink from my nostrils)…this year there’s no blizzard or beignets, this year i chose to stay in with the pup in my life, watch Christmas movies and reflect on all that I have to be thankful for…

now the first thing people ask you on this day is, “OMG what are you doing to ring the new year in tonight”…to which I answered “absolutely nothing”…to which I get the pity head tilt and a “oh, really, no plans”…I giggled all day long knowing that my couch awaited me…the key word in the statement is that I ‘chose’ to stay in…this year I feel like I need to stare 2014 in the face alone and watch the hand of the clock tick from 11:59pm to 12:00am…

I’ve joked that 2014 has sucked ass, I’ve posted pictures of my dog’s ass to reiterate how much it has actually sucked…but honestly when I look back, despite the negative experiences, I’ve learned a lot about myself and I’ve learned a lot about the people that are in my world…both eye opening…this year I’ve looked evil in the face, I’ve shed a tear for the loss of a loved one, I’ve held the hand of a tiny new person, I’ve built legos with my nephews, I’ve spent quality time with my parents, I’ve laughed spontaneously, I’ve travelled to many places and I’ve sung to the top of my lungs while dancing in my car…2014 brought me new friends, new conversations and new experiences…2014 also brought me to a place that I’ve never wanted to be…but because of the journey of this past year, I am a better, stronger, wiser person…

as I look back on this year i realize I’m not the only one tonight wishing it away…with that said I want to take something from this year and keep it close to my heart to teach me that I am still me, no matter how much I’ve meandered on my road map, no matter how much I’ve gone outside my comfort zone, no matter how many times I’ve felt knocked down, I will always be danielle, well nanette danielle…if you’ve struggled with anything this year, no matter if it seemed to be a small bump in the road or a devastating experience, know that there are others out there heading down this path with you…we all experience differently, we all heal differently, we all deal with struggles differently and we all lose a bit of ourselves in the journey…but it’s a journey we must allow ourselves to travel…

I move into this new year with hope, love and good deeds on my road map…I don’t have a gps but my navigation system is well equipped…I just need to keep my head on my shoulders and rid my thoughts of those who don’t deserve to be in them…a wise woman once told me that fortune telling is not productive…by worrying about the what if’s in our future, we are missing out on our present…living in the present is the only way to live our lives…we know our days are limited, why waste them with worry, what if’s, and apprehensiveness…

I’m here listening to fireworks picturing the smiles on many a face tonight, families wrapped up in snowsuits to battle the wind, snow and chill in the air…I’m here listening to fireworks and picturing families at home dealing with tragedy, illness and sadness…I’m here listening to fireworks and I’m picturing families dealing with terrified pets…I’m here listening to fireworks…

2014…I think of the year but really it’s a number just like my age…43…

the things I’m grateful for didn’t only happen in 2014 – it happened over my lifetime, my 43 years…lets not put all our eggs in one basket…when you sit back over the next couple of days don’t think it’s a year later, don’t think of the failed resolutions from years before, don’t think of all the plans you had…think of all the things that you accomplished and all the people that you made an impression on…and think of all the good that you can do and all the love that you can give…

if you have a chance to do anything in your life this year that will make you feel empowered, do it…if you have a chance to do anything in your life this year that will make you feel inspired, do it…be different, be unique, be yourself…trust that you are on the right path and the path doesn’t end when the calendar year does…the path ends when we end – a colleague of mine gave me the greatest compliment of my professional life today and he ended it with “keep on trucking lady”…four little words that resonate in my mind as I head into the morning…the road ahead of us, whether paved or gravel, has many potholes – keep your head up, hands on the wheel and keep trucking…

don’t let another year pass you by without living it the way you want…we’ll never know when we’ll get another chance to do it again…

happy new year…happy new beginnings…happy new you…

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