my big girl boots weigh a fucking ton…

recently I was sitting in an office…sitting in an uncomfortable chair…sitting at a round table…on that table there was a brown envelope full of forms and a box of tissues…talk about setting the stage…

it doesn’t matter what I was there for, it doesn’t matter the address and it doesn’t matter the information shared…the only thing that stuck with me was the fact that after an hour a stranger looked at me and informed me that I have chronic stress…’lovely’, I said…‘you’re super crae crae,’ I said…’are we finished here’, I said….i left with a feeling of, well I don’t really know…but I was driving back to work and I was repeating to myself ‘I’m fine, damn her’…’stress, seriously asshole – chronic’…’what evs’…and then I caught a glimpse of myself in the rear view window…I was holding a tissue in my hand, up to my face and I was wiping away tears as I was repeating ‘she fucking crae crae’ and it hit me, oh my god, is this what stress looks like…and then I laughed my head off and obviously looked like a fucking crazy person to other drivers…

since then, I’ve been reeling a little bit…I’ve shared this so called diagnosis with a few people which is soooo unlike me…I talked about it with my family, again fucked up cause I don’t do this…and now I’m putting it in writing…why…well I’m tired…tired of pretending that a woman can live 43 years and be care free at all times…tired of pretending to myself mainly that I can overcome things by myself…tired of pretending that things will go away and tired of pretending that I don’t need support…

damn self awareness…

I’ve been silent because I associated seeking help and support as weakness, which is so un-joey cause I don’t believe in weakness…I believe in strength and power and self-determination…it didn’t take self reflection…it didn’t take a session of peering into my history and it didn’t take a name to what I’m feeling to realize that I need to stop…it was actually a picture…an actual series of pictures that I looked at, commented on and closed up…shortly after looking at these pictures, I was feeling quite excited and quite nostalgic…these pictures really impacted me…I’m not sure how or why…then about an hour later, I reopened these pictures and something struck me with one…it was such an amazing reflection of who this person is and what she is attempting to portray…it was a picture of not even her face…it was almost like a silhouette of perfection…and it struck me…just wow…

damn this picture….

why did this picture ignite this feeling in me…I was staring at it and I was consumed with the power of the lens…the power of the background…the power of – just everything…the notion of strength, wisdom, happiness and power resonated in my muddled mind…I haven’t seen that in a while, I thought – I haven’t seen strength, wisdom, happiness or power as I’ve looked in the mirror in the morning…what I’ve seen is tired, exhausted and worn out…the contents of the picture doesn’t matter at this time…but I will share that I was staring at a picture of my sister…my baby sister…I haven’t shared this with her but I want the world to know that she taught me the greatest gift of all without even trying to…she taught me, the gift of what aspiration and desire look like…this picture exemplified the fact that having aspirations and desires is good…this picture exemplified the fact that you can’t get to aspirations and desires without struggles and hardship…and admitting that there are struggles and hardships in one’s life is okay…

for me it was a picture…for you it may be a quote, a phrase, a look, a smile…it’s so heartwarming to know that others have such an impact on our being without even knowing it…I would think that a lot of ‘a-ha’ moments come out of kind acts of others…

see my sister is taking care of herself…she is the picture of health, wellness, balance and happiness…her dreams, aspirations and desires are taking her on a journey – her journey…i’ve seen her, i’ve watched her and i admire her for this journey…she has reminded me that our past is what sets the stage for our present and future…she has reminded me from her subtle ways that if we don’t believe in our future and embrace our past, our present will not move us forward – it can’t…see sometimes I forget how to take care of myself…well let me rephrase that, I don’t think I’ve ever yearned for a way to take of myself because I think I took my stress free life for granted…this realization that I’m not perfectly balanced has stunned me…I feel quite defeated at times and man that really pisses me off…I joke at times and say fuck growing up really blows…gotta tell ya sometimes I’m not joking…’who knew’ I keep repeating to myself…who knew…my hand goes up in a slow, guarded movement, I’m waving in the mirror to myself – I now know…I now know…man stress blows…

damn realization…

why have i not allowed myself to embrace my present – because it sucks, i answer myself…i go on to have a little conversation with myself…it kinda goes like this…well genius you’ve had many things happen in your past that have sucked…why is this time different…hummmmm, i can’t answer…did i deplete my energy reserve over time…have i lost my marbles…no i know i haven’t…feeling pissed off is an indicator that i have insight right…i’ve started some self-care exercises including sharing with others, seeking support, writing and….blank stare at screen, okay i’ve started three…but through these exercises, i’m learning, learning that my past experiences have influenced my present day…i’ve gotten over some things by pursuing bigger things, newer things, challenging myself and barrelling through barriers…as i get older, the barriers are bigger, more numerous and somewhat higher in height and my old knees won’t allow me to jump over them…it’s now, as i’m aging i’m realizing i have to lean on my own resources to help push me over these barriers…i no longer can do this on my own entirely…

damn knees…

for shits and giggles, I googled the word stress and I read for about an hour and then I closed my computer…conclusion – there are so many variations to the word, so many triggers associated with the diagnosis and so many factors identified that can lead to stress…basically there is no one definitive definition of the word – it is dependent on many variables…how do I truly know that being told I have chronic stress fits me and my experiences…hummmm I sit back and reflect and then a light bulb goes off…

laughing I remember last Friday checking out my bank balance – a simple task I usually do at least three times a week…the difference this Friday was the fact that I had for the first time in my adult life forgot that my mortgage and car payment was due – sweet fuck…how in the name of god did I forget that…I went on to call myself a few more choice words but then I stopped and thought BAM dude that chick was soooo right…I’m messed up in the head…I remember stating to her, ‘I don’t mean to be rude, but I seriously know every question you’re going to ask me. I know the scales you’re gonna use and I know the answers you need to hear’…her response, and I’ll never forget it was ‘you have the skills, I have no doubt about that but your cognitive ability right now is foggy, you have no problem solving abilities when it comes to yourself right now, just trust me’…I hate her…well I hate being wrong…she’s good…

today I woke up to no toothpaste, no soap and no toilet paper in the house…I curse…I come downstairs to feed the pup and there’s no dog food…

sure you’re fine…you got this joey…and I laugh…

I never in my 43 years thought I’d be admitting to the impact of stress on my body, mind and soul to myself or my family…sharing it with strangers is even more nerve racking…but I am at a point in my life that I think sharing with strangers is actually sometimes easier than with my family and friends…I’m a pretty stubborn, thick skinned, strong headed woman – you’re not getting over my time…ahhhh but wait, despite my strengths I’m admitting I too am a victim of this thing called stress…I wanna share to the world that no matter who we are, no matter the supports we have, no matter how much we think we have control – we don’t…we are all victims to life…my parents always say hey, shit happens…I’ve always thought and I’ve sometimes said ‘put your big girl boots on and get going girl’; ‘suck it up buttercup’; ‘build a bridge and get over it’…oh boy do I suck back those words now…

see at this point in my life, my big girl boots weigh a fucking ton…I don’t have the energy to suck up anything even if it’s a tiny buttercup and build a bridge, bitch please, I don’t have the capacity to even sketch a bridge right now…

recently I was sitting in an office…sitting in an uncomfortable chair…sitting at a round table…on that table there was a brown envelope full of forms and a box of tissues…talk about setting the stage…I woke up this morning with no toothpaste, no soap, no toilet paper and no dog food and thought…

I’m 43, recently diagnosed with chronic stress, and have a therapist…my journey continues…first step – embrace the moment…

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8 thoughts on “my big girl boots weigh a fucking ton…

  1. Nicely worded Danielle! Fortunately for you, you have someone to accompany you on this journey to lift your spirits infinitely, understands and loves you for all that you are with no judgment whatsoever of any of your perceived shortcomings (which a large majority of society have as well), all of this with one wag of a tail!! Rock on girl!

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  2. I know you remember this story, about the little girl who’d asked the question, “Was I standing on one leg, mommy?” You weren’t then, and you aren’t now. Let those ‘big girl boots’ do some fine ass kickin’. Hugs.

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  3. You are beautiful and strong and brave. Being vulnerable and true takes courage but brings with it great rewards. I have no doubt better days and great rewards ahead my friend. Here whenever you need me 🙂

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  4. those bid girl boots still fir even if they weigh a ton, the more we wear them the lighter they feel so give her girl, you wear your strength well. hugs

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