1…2…3…4…5…open your eyes…

I was introduced to a control grid this past week…at first I thought, oh seriously a grid…and then the day ended with me smiling…

I faced something this past week that was a long time coming and I felt…well angry to be honest…but I shouldn’t feel angry…I should feel happy and elated but the anger overshadowed the experience…that’s where the grid came into play…

session 2 with a therapist…I state, today I wanna discuss rage and anger issues…cause I have a lot…the therapist smiles…after some discussion, she says lets try a relaxation exercise…I laughed out loud and say sure, lets do it…as I sit with my hands on my knees, my muddled mind screams, ‘this is so fucking stupid’…my mouth forms a grin and I feel like I’m smirking as if demonstrating my opposition to how this is so not going to work on me…i start talking to myself – with my inner voice…I repeat ‘just listen to the words danielle’…’just listen to the words danielle’….’just listen, give this lady a break she’s trying to help you’ and…

1…2…3…4…5…open your eyes…

yup, I was out…

when I opened my eyes I started laughing out loud…this woman stared at me and then she smiled widely…’you my dear are what we call a zonker’…I grinned…I said ‘dude 5 more minutes and I would have been out’…she responded ‘I don’t think you needed 5 more minutes, you were out’…

what you may not know about me is that I can be hypnotized in a heart beat…now only for purely entertaining purposes have I ever volunteered for this experience…until now…as I sat in the office chair with my hands on my knees, i think I was trying to resist the voice, trying to resist the calmness, trying to resist the words that were trying to guide me into a state of relaxation…what happened was the complete opposite…I woke with a simple 1- 5 countdown and I felt silly…not silly for letting my body and mind go but silly because I thought I lost myself…more so my ability to clear my mind and simply relax…and I felt that power restored…I felt with that simple exercise a reclaiming of my sense of self…my sense of power over my mind…

have you relaxed lately…

I so haven’t…my muscles tense…my shoulders hunched…my jaw clenched…my fingers firmly tucked into a fist…my neck strained…my stomach churning and my mind chaotic…what will it take I often asked myself…but time went on and I soon forgot to ask myself that question…i no longer cared what would it take…I no longer cared about – well anything…what do you need to do for yourself, I pleaded with myself…

I thrived in my perfect world…my coping abilities, my stress free world – I bragged about it…and then boom…it took a pretty long time to break me and it happened right in front of me…I am learning to appreciate my life the more I live it…I am learning to appreciate my life the more I experience it…the experiences I can’t control but my reactions to the experiences I can…that’s the defining line between the concept of ‘can control’ and ‘can’t control’…

1…2…3…4…5…open your eyes…

have you ever had an hour, day, week, month or year of feeling ‘fuckin fuck’ – quoting my dad here…lol lol…I was trying to put my feelings into a phrase and this is the first thing that came to mind…we make fun of dad all the time when he says it and now it’s my defining phrase…oh how life is truly wonderful…okay back to the ‘fuckin fuck’ experiences…for you I’m not sure how long it was – for me it’s been 13months…

have you ever faced your enemy, your bully, your harasser, your abuser, your torment, your irritant, your nuisance…

have you ever been bullied, harassed, abused, tormented, irritated…

i have seen so much publicity on all these issues recently…whether it’s through social media, news reports or highlights in television shows – we all are aware of it…i have learned that there are the targets and there are the aggressors…I have read so much on both and I continue to understand very little…how does one become an aggressor and how does one become a target…I don’t think people will ever get their answers…I believe it happens over time…how does one stop it though…I guess that’s the million dollar question…

it doesn’t matter the experience…it doesn’t matter the details…it doesn’t matter how you got there…it doesn’t matter how much time you’ve missed…what matters is how you turn that experience into a positive outcome….what matters is how you forget the details over time…what matters is how you let go and not get buried in the why me…what matters is knowing that the time gone is in the past and knowing that the present is where you’re living today…

the control grid…

Can Control Can’t Control
Taking Action Mastery – good and powerful Spinning your wheels – frustrated
Not Taking Action Giving up – helpless and hopeless Letting go – relief

I can’t take credit for this developing this grid as it’s not mine…but it was presented to me in a way that I think will benefit others and for that purpose I will share…basically what I’ve learned and what was my defining moment this past week was the realization that I was stuck in 2 boxes that was leading me down a path of destruction of the person I claim to be and the person I strive to preserve…I was in the not taking action for the things I can control state and was feeling helpless and hopeless…and I was in the taking action for the things I can’t control state and was feeling like a hamster in a wheel – spinning out of control – frustrated…

my therapist asked me where did I want to be…of course staring blankly at a quadrant of things I know but never put into black and white, I firmly stated well obviously I wanna be in the mastery and letting go boxes…she asked why…like a school aged child she pushed me…’why danielle, why do you want to be in those two boxes’…she pressured me to lift my eyes off the page and answer her question…the helpless, hopeless, spinning my wheels person just said ‘well obviously that’s where I should be’…she cut me off ‘don’t use should in the next answer’…again ‘why do you want to be in the mastery and letting go boxes danielle’…damn her, she’s good…

my answer doesn’t matter…what matters is the realization that sitting back and waiting for motivation to knock on my door is making the helpless, hopeless, spinning my wheels part of danielle live…what matters is knowing that action comes before motivation and it’s the action phase that we must strive to achieve…with action comes change…it’s inevitable…only we have control over what we feel…others may try, may attempt to take control of what we do and influence how we feel but ultimately it’s you – what’s it going to take to gain that control back…

what’s it gonna take you to take action on the things you can control and not take action on the things you can not control…for me it took a grid…

1…2…3…4…5…open your eyes…

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3 thoughts on “1…2…3…4…5…open your eyes…

  1. 1…2…3…4…5…now you see…

    “…Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.”

    Max Ehrmann, “Desiderata”.

    Liked by 1 person

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