every moment with you…#makingit

we sat in the cabana steering at the pool, the adult pool cause let’s be honest, who sits with kids when you don’t have to…we sat there and my sister giggled and in one sentence she changed my viewpoint that day…”isn’t this a great age”, she said…”I mean to be able to sit back and do this and not to worry about tomorrow, this is making it”…

making it…I’ve been thinking about those words for a few months…reveling in the experiences we had…reveling in the moments we shared and the memories we made…making it…two often unimportant words, until put together in a context and then “making it” describes a significant life experience…

in my 20’s “making it” was living with a guy I adored, dreaming of a house, a ring, a baby, a life…I lost friends, I lost sleep and I lost myself…there must have been a piece of me that told me this wasn’t how “making it” should feel…taking myself directly past go in the game of life and back to university despite being accused of doing so for alternate reasons, I marched on…beaten down verbally and emotionally, I managed to finish – it wasn’t your regular 4yr degree…oh my goodness no…it took me 7yrs to walk across the stage with my undergrad…I worked full time for minimum wage, I went to school doing one course at a time, I managed to study on lunch breaks which were 30minutes, I managed to study late at night as I lay in a bed alone while my dream guy played loud music in another room, I managed to pass – I managed to pass…I got sick in my last semester, ended up with emergency surgery but by god, I passed…I walked across the stage with my stomach packed with gauze to help heal an infection that was nasty and lasted about 2years…yup, I struggled…”making it” – I rethought…

in my 30’s “making it” was leaving home and driving many miles away with my parents in a truck full of stuff for me to settle into a new home, a new province and a new experience…I still can’t believe I did this but gentle god, thankfully I got in the truck that morning…I cried most of the way – yup 30 and crying my heart out about leaving a province I adore, friends I couldn’t live without and a family that had become my security blanket…at 29, I got luggage for Christmas, I giggled and joked “you got me fucking luggage” – oh the things our parents do…a sign – yup, a well played sign…walking into a classroom at 30years old and staring at 47other people from all walks of life – getting in to that school was my “making it”…

I’ve always been passionate about what I love…well hang on now, reading that sentence back doesn’t fit how I once lived my life…I think I’ve blocked out my life from 21 to 29 – it’s like an 8year block that I can’t relive cause FUCK it really, truly sucked…it’s amazing how much you can hate something and not let go…once I hit the road and stood on my own two feet, something happened…I’m not going to lie, that move was hard…the morning my folks drove away, I stared at them from my front window and cried, got myself ready for school and walked into a building full of fresh faces not knowing what the fuck we got ourselves into…it was those 3years that I found my voice, I found my independence and I found my best friends and that was “making it”…

hit mid-30’s and “making it” was making a good pay check, getting an extension on student loans and partying our worries away…it was freedom, a freedom I had never felt before…I had gone from living pay check to pay check, looking to my folks for loans to get us through to a whole pay check that was mine…I remember getting my first one and giggling my ass off…and then we went out and celebrated…and then we went out and celebrated…and then we went out and celebrated…hummmm…we actually didn’t stop…the experiences we lived those first few years were eye opening and we drank the stories and the worries away…my “making it” turning into “fake it till you make it hogan”…

now in my 40’s – “making it” takes on a whole new meaning…I look back at my experiences both good and bad and thank god for them…I’m the person I am today because of all that is my past…the loss of my best friend at an early age, sucky relationships, a return to school – not once but twice, a move away from home, and a sick father – all experiences that as my nephew would say “makes my heart hurt forever”…we are who we are because of where we came from, who we encounter and how we treat others…I got through all that and I was sailing, sailing away, well not literally sailing cause I’d drown but clipping through life without a care in the world…my work was my life, I overworked, overplayed, over enjoyed and overindulged in many a good and a bad way…

“making it”…I read a meme a while ago that alluded to the fact that somedays you sit back and realize that all your friends are getting married, having babies and you’re still in the corner drinking wine…well I nearly died at it and shared it with everyone in my contact list…true story though – there comes a time in life that friends take different paths and we’re so happy for them…but there comes a time in life that you sit back and think, hummmmm wait a god damn minute…where’s my wedding and where’s my baby, oh wait where’s the fucking corkscrew cause baby I chose the wine”…

“making it”…

44…no wedding, no baby…but a couple of corkscrews and passion for life that will out live a lot of the marriages and a passion for life that will grow as I watch my friend’s babies walk for the first time, say their first words, call me auntie, hold out their arms up to get me to pick them up…that’s my “making it”…I was watching tons of videos lately getting prepared for a group and I came across a brilliant woman who has lived a life with a somewhat debilitating mental health diagnosis…a brilliant woman who stated that it came a time in her life that she realized that she doesn’t have to put aside her issues to be “normal” “to make it”…what she needed to do was just be her…find fulfillment, find purpose, find meaning – and once you do that you will experience satisfaction…

I think we yearn for a life that we’re supposed to have…that cognitive response to life…I should…what if…I must…what if…I need to, now…if I don’t, I’ll never have it…that cognitive response leads into a physiological response and you live your days with heart racing, mind chaotic, thoughts muddled and emotions heightened…sometimes we think others have it all…the partner, the white picket fence, the car, the kids, the events, the bond…and it’s their “making it” not mine…

we’ll never live in a state of pure happiness 24/7…if you think you do, you’re kidding yourself or trying to kid others…social media these days has a way of fooling the fools…people tend to think why is everyone else happy – look they’re on vacation…look at the smiles…look at the parties…look at all their friends…look at those comments…ya can’t kid a kidder my peeps…social media has us ruined…

you can’t hide behind a filter – adjusting the angles, adjusting the color, adjusting the lighting…until your expose yourself to yourself, there’ll always be a filter…as my own life plays out, I’m learning that I can’t take a picture of satisfaction…I can’t take a picture of sure bliss…as my life plays out, I’m learning that my filter is not a reflection of who I am but rather a reflection of what I think others want to see…every moment in my life, I’ve been working towards success…but measuring success is hard…is success “making it”…is having the house, the car and the bank account “making it”…every moment I’ve spent thinking about success…every moment I’ve spent yearning for love…every moment I’ve spent thinking I could do more, make more and live better, I’ve missed a moment of opportunity to flourish in my own success, my own “making it”…a missed moment sometimes can be a lifetime of a missed memory…

into my life came a puppy…I went from wishing I had someone to start my morning with a smile and a simple sentence that started with “every moment with you, I feel _________” to a morning of me fighting for a place to lie on my bed, wiping away puppy eye gook and a morning with “every moment with you, has been a happy moment”…animals have an innate sense of reading our emotions, our inner, darkest secrets…animals are a glorious creature that can help us out of our darkest moments….my animal, my puppy, my little monster came into my life at the darkest moment…I didn’t know it at the time, but that was the darkest moments of nanette danielle hogan’s life…it was a cold day when I got him but my heart warmed looking into his eyes…he had me at hello – well he had me….at that moment, and every moment since, when I feel low, when I feel down, when I feel things are a little hopeless – I look into his eyes, or I touch his little body and that warmth comes back…the it’s okay feeling comes back…

that four legged monster is the love of my life right now…my best friend…my savior…being his momma has become my “making it”…coming home to a house with a jumping puppy who won’t leave my side is my “making it”…my house is my sanctuary, my white picket fence is actually pressure treated wood built high enough so a 114lb monster can’t jump it; my bank account dwindles quicker than good ole john wayne can pull his gun out of his holster; my baby was born with 4legs; and my car, well it smells like dog – exposed…

yahhh I’ve “made it”, I’ve made it mine…my life exposed…I still hate sharing but I’m okay with exposure…

keep the filters for your coffee not your life…expose yourself and gain an appreciation for what you’ve accomplished, not what you yearn for…

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“hey, hey you, you’re a c*nt”…

find your voice, I say…use your voice, I preach…stop mumbling, speak louder, I demand…

there is not a day that goes by that I don’t talk to my clients about utilizing their god given voice…how do we become that person who’s afraid to speak up, afraid to disagree, afraid to compliment and afraid to be heard…sometimes when I’m speaking, I feel like a broken record and I get so caught up in the stories…there’s always a story – whether it’s illness, injury, insecurities or inability – there’s a story attached…

I think I have a pretty good voice but as good as I think my voice is, it too was silenced in my life on two occasions…once by an absolute a-hole who I let silence me…it was a classic abuse situation looking back…classic verbal and emotional abuse that led to me just giving in…I got to the point that I hit the why bother moment, that moment that I hear so often on a day to day basis…the second time was by two absolute a-holes…two evil, conniving, jealous ridden c*nts…classic harassment and bullying…this time I got to the point that I didn’t hit the why bother moment, rather I hit the oh, no you didn’t button…did I let it go on for longer than I should, hell’s yah…did I let it fester, hell’s yah…did I let it dampen my voice, hell’s fucking no…it was my voice that made me stronger…it was my voice that got me back…

we meet many people in our lives and we form many different relationships…each of those relationships serve us for different purposes…as we get older, we can identify what we get out of each one and we strive to maintain that connection…it’s the connections in this world that keep us ticking…keep us interested…keep us engaged…

why do some people dampen our spirits…why do some people strive to make us miserable…do they, though…are some people so miserable in their own lives that they project their misery onto others…I often think this…how can a person be so negative all the time…how can a person want to challenge and want to argue all the time…how can a person be so closed minded that not one thing you say resonates within them…the mysteries of life…

I’ve never been drawn to those individuals but they’re sneaky, they get in…we all have them in our circles whether it’s personal or professional circles…how to deal with them…christ, I wanna throat punch them but I consider myself too pretty for jail…instead, I smile, nod, politely say see ya and move on…

sometimes I imagine myself using my inner voice and verbalizing what’s in my head…like why can’t I look at someone and say “shut the fuck up” or “are you fucking kidding me, you’re an idiot” or “you did fucking what” or “god you’re such a god damn ass” or simply “hey, hey you, you’re a c*nt”…but I don’t cause my parents raised me better…

I don’t think people are born idiots, or a-holes or c*nts…in my wise old age, I’m starting to think that these people are actually lacking something in their lives, lacking a sense of self maybe, lacking a sense of security within themselves maybe, suffering silently with loneliness, isolation or c*untism…i think what’s gotten me over a lot of things in the last few years is that I don’t think people’s reactions or behaviors towards me has anything to do with me…that goes for you too, we can’t be the cause of someone’s unhappiness…we can’t be the only reason someone bullies, acts like a complete dirtneck or doucebag…hell we can’t be that important in their lives, are we…

I think as a society we are learning that saying no is okay…saying hell’s no is my preference…well really saying fuck you is my first preference but professionally I can not…instead I take the high road…the high road that includes taking the proper avenues to deal with the improper behaviors of others…no one should feel degraded, belittled, bullied, demeaned, tainted, tormented, harassed, tantalized, or isolated…

find your voice…use your voice…stop mumbling…speak louder…our voice – powerful, strengthening, empowering, embracing, loving and all encompassing – your voice…

I’ve learned and I’m practicing being true to myself…I’m not a forgive and forget type of person, even though I know it’s the highest road, I’m not going to lie here…I’m a grudge holder and it has caused me great stress in my life…I recently allowed myself to let go of a few things that have been weighing me down – baby steps that have made a significant change in my life…a little tuning of the attitude…a little tuning of the grudges and I’m a semi new person…I’m literally never going to get rid of all my grudges – it’d be a great post and such a positive spin if I could….but again, baby steps and it’s a blog not a confessional booth with a priest sitting across from me…if I said I have learned to forgive and forget, time heals everything – I’d be over in the corner on my knees saying 10 Hail Mary’s and 5 Our Fathers – for lies lead to penance….

moral of my story tonight is that we were all born with clean slates…how we live our lives is a product of many things – with that said though I believe that no matter what life has dealt us, we all make choices…some of us were guided by great mentors and some of us have clawed their way through…your voice is a product of you…use it wisely – it’s a very strong companion, it has the strength to build and the strength to crush…

our voice – powerful, strengthening, empowering, embracing, loving and all encompassing – your voice…

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