feeling is good, right…

my mother once said to me “there are two things in this world that I would never have guessed, one of them being _______________ and the second you getting a dog” – as for the first, yah keep guessing, I’m not sharing that hogan secret…

as for the second…sooo true…my sister jokes at times that when I first met her lil pup, I literally petted him with one finger, one swoop over the head and said “hey there” and walked away…fast forward to today and sweet baby jesus am I addicted…I’m that person, the person 2012 joey would make fun of, the person 2007 joey would slap in the face if they said “i gotta pick up the pup at daycare so I can’t meet for supper”…yup, daycare – 2014 joey is a doggy daycare, doggy park, can’t leave my house for more than a 4hour span, rather sit on my patio and watch my pup practice combat training than head to a patio for drinks, 4legged lover…oh how times have changed…

my sister asked me once, can you remember not having finn? to which I responded, “fuck yahhhh – I had a life”…and then I giggled and said “but I love this life better…a dog, a feckin dog, who knew, seriously who knew…yah I may stay at home more, talk to my dog more, wash my sheets more – he’s a drooler, vacuum more – he’s a sheddin son of a b, but I also play more, laugh louder, smile more, make decisions for me more, enjoy my house more and overall reflect more…

the pup I met way back in march 2013 was officially named finn…the day I took him home, I stared at him and literally, no joke said “dude I own you, what the fuck”…the first day he cuddled me and fell asleep in my arms, I stared at him and literally, no joke said “dude, I own you, what the fuck” and the first day he started biting the shit out of my hands, eating my furniture and waking me at 6am, I said “fuck I fucking own you, what the fuck did I do”….he’s name is finn – he too has many names, finny, finny mcginsters, finnsters, mister fin, finny maginn, and dad’s fave big john…the lil face that changed danilynn – oh yah, I go by that name too…lol lol…

to all the 2, 3, and 4 legged lovers I made fun of all those years, you don’t know who you are cause I did it behind your backs, like a true friend – I eat my words…getting a dog completed my family – I actually own something that depends on me, I mean I own a lot of material things, but I don’t have to feed my purses, I don’t have to make sure my shoes have medicine when they’re sick and I don’t have to make sure my jewelry gets fresh water in the morning…

family has so many meanings in this ever changing world, I have friends from all walks of life, I have friends living all over the world and I have friends from varying family units…family unit, such a weird word…when I was going to school a family meant a mom, a dad and kids – in mine there were three kids…as I got older, I met people who were raised by a single parent, I met people living in different houses on opposite weeks, I met people who had nothing to do with their parents or siblings, I met people who had gone through losing a parent…as my world grew and the people in it shared their stories, I seriously thought, wow how did they do it without a full family to support them…I think I grew up in smurf land, where I dreamt of sugarplums and candy canes every night…man was I naïve and man was I spoiled and man was I lucky…a family – I thought I’d have the same family…I dreamt of marrying and having kids cause that’s the next step in life to have a family – boy meets girl, boy kisses girl, girl falls in love and then comes baby in a baby carriage…my story kinda went boy meets girl, boy kisses girl, girl falls in love and then boy says fuck you, I’m out…well not like that but it’s my blog, so it’s my story…

my story is like a lot of stories, it’s different…I carved out a life for myself late in life…I gave up on the happy ever after in the fairy tales and I got drunk…like real drunk…like rockstar don’t give a fuck about anything life…it’s fan-tabulous really…until you wake up one morning and think well now, that happy ever after for reals ain’t happenin…age has never really affected me and then something happened at 41 – I found a lump, convinced myself I was gonna die and thought well now that sucks – bit dramatic but the truth…didn’t even tell my folks, left that to my squealing lil sis…see I don’t like to worry people about me, I’d rather dream up the worst stories in my head and be silent for others…42 – forced to make a decision about some womanly things, which I will not bore you with but basically was told, decide now whether you want kids cause if this happens, there will be no decision – well now that sucks, bit dramatic but the truth…not that at this age, I want kids, but having a procedure that takes away the option is pretty damn hard to swallow…

42 going on 43 – spent Christmas on my own this year, what you ask, how was that? It really, truly, truly, really, really sucked…see Christmas to me is about family, well food and family…it’s so magical, I still sleep at my folks place, I still sleep in and I still wait for my folks, well santa, to hide the presents for Christmas morning…last year, my folks decided to go spend it with the grandkids and my sister, spent it with her partner…I, at 42 going on 43, thought, hell’s I can do this…well now…talk about family…don’t get me wrong, I was invited places for meals and to spend quality time with my extended family, but I politely declined as I didn’t want to impose on others…I decided, this is a look into my future, a future with my own family at holiday time…me and lil finnsters…well his stocking was stuffed by santa and by friends…friends that weren’t invited in but rather knew I needed human contact…friends that knocked so lovingly on my door Christmas eve with bags full of presents and liquor – they knew I needed liquor…

I thought I was strong, hell I would have bet money that I was one of the strongest people on this earth, sadly I would have lost that money…christmas eve was not magical, I admit it was lonely…Christmas day, well lets not even go there – I shovelled, cause last winter sucked ass, I cooked a pound of bacon and I cried…my family unit was broken before I was ready…I demand a lot of my friends and family – but I realize I demand in silence…I’m not writing this for pity, or for comfort from others…I’m writing this to say that experiencing loneliness, silence and sadness is okay…I had no reason to be sad, my family is alive and well…lonely sure, lonely is an emotion that I’m not familiar with…i have to say it was the first time that I actually felt the emotion whole heartedly…it gave me a better understanding of how others feel on a daily basis…it gave me a better appreciation for my family, my parents and my siblings and it gave me a new appreciation for what makes me happy…the lesson I learned is that others yearn for the family I have but yet others have no concept of the family I have…

the first definition of family that comes up in a google search is “a group consisting of parents and children living together in a household”…in that definition, I have no family…I am what the dictionary defines as a spinster “an older woman who have never been married or never had children. To be a spinster, a woman must be approaching or past the age of menopause without having ever formed a human pair bond. For instance, 40-year-old, never married mothers are not spinsters. But a single, never married, childless, 40-year-old woman may be considered a spinster”…well put that in your pipe and smoke it…I giggle at these terms but I take insult to the fact that my house is not considered a home and my lil life is not considered a family unit…by definition that is…

it’s about time the concept of families change both in our minds and in our definitions…men and women choose not to marry for varying reasons, men and women choose pets over children for varying reasons – why are these units not considered families…I call bullshit…men choose men and women choose women as life partners – why are these units not considered families…I call bullshit…

a friend sent me this quote recently “I think there is something beautiful in revelling in sadness. The proof is how beautiful sad songs can be. So I don’t think being sad is to be avoided. It’s apathy and boredom you want to avoid. But feeling anything is good, I think. Maybe that’s sadistic of me” Joseph Gordon-Lewitt – I struggle with feelings that aren’t happy…I can listen to others feelings and offer what I think is sound advice, but this year, 43 going on 44 year, I’m open to feeling – cause I do believe feeling is good…I’m attempting to practice what I preach – lets try it together…

my mother added a third thing to her list of things in this world that she would never have guessed – nanettedaniellehogan.wordpress.com – love surprising her, I do…

 

602667_10153038999610694_2134491683_n

 

Advertisements

leggings made me fat…

I truly believe this, I say with a wide smile…I wrote this as a facebook status a while ago as a means to divulge that I know a grown woman should wear pants with a zipper and button, at least a couple of times a week…so I packed away my leggings into the back of the closet and I put on a pair of my jeans, jeans I had worn numerous times many months ago…I got them to my knee and thought “I fucking shrank my favorite jeans” and then I thought again and realized, in my father’s words “fuckin fuck”…if you’re not reading between the lines, the jeans didn’t shrink, I grew…but growing at my age isn’t called a growth spurt, it’s call – beotch, stop saying yes when the waitress asks ‘fries with that’…

as you can imagine, my once fat jeans have now become my goal jeans…its not a secret that I’ve always struggled with my weight, but it’s always been somewhat shameful for me and I don’t know why shame is associated with how one looks…back in the day, I sound like my folks, but back in the day, there were no gyms, no boot camps, no 6day/week workout regimes, now a days you can’t have a conversation with someone without hearing about what they’ve done that day…it’s almost like a validation that I’ve worked out today, have you?…i did it too, my statuses, my friends, my routine, my sleep and my meals were dependent on that hour I devoted to the gym….i even turned into the 6am girl, showering at the gym girl…this lasted a while and then it stopped…

I’ve tried so many things in my life when it comes to weight loss, workouts, diets – if I didn’t love food so much I think I’d even try starving myself – don’t freak out, yes I said it…I ended up learning how to count points enough so I could drink my face off on a Friday night…I learned if I didn’t eat for a day and a half I could have movie popcorn (jesus I love that stuff)…I learned I loved heavy lifting, I learned I loved feeling lean, but I also learned that I don’t have the stamina to maintain…when I’m good, fuck I’m good…but when I’m off, I’m super off…

I have amazing, brilliant friends in the health and wellness field, I’m an intelligent woman, I know what I gotta do…I preach balance in my work, I just don’t live a healthy balance…I live a balance that makes sense to me right now – I live a balance that works for me right now…I had a conversation with my sister at one point and said, “dude, I’m tired of the Monday starts, can’t I just be fat and walk my dog”…she laughed and said, you gotta write a blog…lol lol lol…here I am…and why can’t I just walk my fucking dog, I hate big gyms, always have – I took a leap a few years ago and loved it, but alas something went array and it impacted my ability to open that door again…I feel emotion, i feel emotion quite strongly…my emotions are raw and when you fuck with my emotions, you’re out…I hold grudges, its not an attractive quality of mine, but I hold them hard…i even hold grudges with myself, i don’t discriminate…lol lol…

working out is an amazing feeling but it shouldn’t be something forced…when it’s forced, it doesn’t work – I’m living proof of that…what I’ve decided is that I need to be happy with who I am, right now in the present…does it mean I need to buy a bigger size, who gives a fuck…I wear my clothes the right way, with no tags (or private regions) showing, so it’s only me who could be hung up on a size…so funny how we get so caught up in the physical aspect of our selves and forget that the people we should surround ourselves with, are the people who see no size…don’t get me wrong, I want to be healthy, but that’s another blog in itself…I truly believe you can be healthy in many ways – right now, I need to be mentally healthy, that’s my priority…with that said, I’m also not stupid, I need not to be out of breath climbing my own stair case – so I’m gonna stick with walking my dog…it makes me feel at home!

i watched a video today and the intro stated that it’s makers were interested in how individual style really comes from within…here’s an excerpt from the transcript of what really clarified how I feel about my body, my image and overall my sense of home…

“I am so all over the place and I have so many hobbies and such a massive diversity of interests and my whole life is ruled by all these crazy stimuli and I’m all over the place and I’m just so easily influenced. And I’ve been an actress, and a writer, and I’ve done film, I’ve done costuming. And I’ve been in a band, I’ve been in this other band, and I have relationships and I do all these crazy stuff. Right now, I don’t even have a place to live, I sleep on my friends’ floors. And I’m travelling all over the country and this band is about to start travelling all over the world. And I don’t deal well with chaos and there’s always crazy stuff going on. So in my body is a good place to be because functionally speaking, I know at the end of the day that it’s the only home I’ve ever had and it’s the only home I ever will have. So no matter how much I argue with it, at the end of the day I need to treat it like my home. And home is where you’re supposed to feel the safest and home is where love happens and home is where you’re supposed to feel best about yourself. And welcome home”

when I watched the video, i was intrigued by the use of the word body as our home – it just made sense to me…I know I’m not the only one in this world struggling with body image, balance, and the multitude of meanings for home…but try to pinpoint what home is for you…it kinda grounded me – the simplicity of it…home isn’t a house, a building, a partnership, a street, province, or state – its me, you and our bodies…well just wow…my search has narrowed cause I actually carry my home with me everywhere I go…now to embrace it, in the present and stop anticipating that tomorrow will be better, will be thinner, will eat better, will drink more water, will workout harder – do what makes your home happy today, for some of us, there will be no tomorrow…for some of us, today will be our best day…

i love my style and i love my home…what are you going to do for your ‘home’ today – i’m gonna go walk my lil monster of a dog, wearing size ‘none of your effin business’ leggings, cause damn they’re comfy…

1002846_10153355843790694_1877826832_n-2

my time stamp reads 8:25am…

as i fell in love today at first sight with a brand new, 6 day old human, i can’t help to think, how my folks felt when they saw me for the first time…now my mother was unfortunately out of it at the time of my birth – my father, i can only imagine was a state, after being asked by the doctor “sir, who will we save, your wife or the baby” – my father is adamant he yelled “for fucks sake, save them both you cocksucker”…i, to this day, think he probably yelled “rotch, don’t leave me, we can get another kid” followed with a “fuckin fuck” and a kick to the nearest chair or wall in his pathway at St. Clare’s…but i’ll stick with the “save them both” story – makes me feel better…

i can’t imagine what goes through a parent’s mind when they look at the lil itty bitty thing that they created…i look at first pics, i’ve seen those birthing shows and seen the videos of the docs passing the baby to the mothers and there’s a common, almost mystical, magical glimmer in their eyes…its amazing, its breath taking and its absolutely fascinating to me…in my mind, i feel that the parents almost stop breathing for a split second, it’s as if the world stands still at that time stamp on the ankle id bracelet…

my world standing still moment doesn’t include me pushing something through my va-jay-jay…it doesn’t include my adoring husband, standing over me, staring into my eyes and thinking, you are the most beautiful thing to me…it doesn’t include a tiny ankle id bracelet with a time stamp…in my younger years, i yearned for that feeling, that growing, that expansion of me and my new family, holding onto that ankle id bracelet as a memory of the most wonderful day of my life…it just never happened, for many reasons – too many to write here, too many to share…i heard through the grapevine one day that a co-worker asked another co-worker of mine, if i were gay? my co-worker answered with a giggle and said why would you ask that – the answer, cause she’s single…now i have to state that i am all about equal rights, i see no color, no gender, no sexual orientation in this world – just ignorance…but i’m not gay, nothing wrong with that, i just ain’t…but to think in this ever growing world, because a 40 something year old never married, working woman is single, must mean there’s something different going on…bitch please…

why oh why are others more concerned about what happens in others lives more so than their own…starting this blog is cathartic for me…i don’t particularly enjoy sharing…i don’t enjoy talking about my self, my goals, my aspirations, my desires, my hopes and my dreams with others cause i don’t have others that are on that path with me, holding my hand, lying with me at night and waking up with me in the morning…what i do have is great friends and an absolutely amazing family…sharing to me on a personal level equates disappointment – it’s like applying for a job, getting interviewed, references checked and than BAM – no offer…having people constantly ask me, “did you hear anything”, “did you hear anything”, “did you hear anything” drives me near insane…is this common – have no effin clue…is it my reaction to a caring friend or family member politely inquiring – yes…

i’m super weird, i get it…but i hate sharing…stating that makes me giggle…i think, in my younger days, sharing dreams, aspirations and goals was downplayed, put on the back burner and never talked about – aka crappy ass relationship really fucked me up…did I talk about it…hells no…why now? i feel ready, ready to write – write, funny enough and not talk…so yah i’ll stick with years of feeling defeated and going no where while the world progressed is the culprit of truly fucking me up…

we all have that a-ha moment where we think, sweet baby jesus that was me…the year was 19 blah-ty blah and i thought wtf am i gonna do…my life is over – i was 27, naïve, broke, living with my folks, still dealing with the death of my best friend, something i’ve never talked about without tears in my eyes and being told i would never amount to anything…as i sat in my childhood bedroom (well it was my adulthood bedroom cause i shared a twin bed with my younger sister of 7years till i was 19, but that’s another post…lol lol), i thought seriously dudette, you suck…

feeling like you suck, sucks…so i picked my sorry ass up and turned my years of fuckery into years of awesomeness…i regret nothing in life, every day, every tear, every smile, every hug, every just every thing, is what makes us who we are…the worst days of my life sometimes turns into the best outcomes of my life…i’ve come to believe i have a purpose in this life…i was given the opportunity to reinvent who i was meant to be, as my parents stared into my tiny eyes at that 8:25am time stamp moment many years ago, i’m sure they had aspirations and dreams for me…have i fulfilled them – well i hope i have – i turned into a passionate, your best friend/worst enemy type of workaholic with a house that is afraid of water and a dog that shits bigger than a horse but with a heart i proudly wear on my sleeve, the sleeve I bought with my hard earned money…

work hard, play hard is kinda of my mantra…a little voice in my head keeps warning me “you’re burning yourself out” – damn straight I am…but somehow my body and my mind are two completely different ages…i was always the “yes person” – I’d say with a smile, yes, oh my goodness yes – that’s when I was when i was in my 30’s…my 40’s are a lil different, I’ve entered the more “bitch please” phase of my life…I think my friends and family, through the years, have struggled more with the words and phrases – “no thanks”, “really not in the mood” coming from my mouth, than I have struggled entering the age that I’m now closer to 50 than being a wife or mother or millionaire…

as people’s lives change, I think a lot of them forget that others are just on a completely different pathway…pathways aren’t always meant to cross – maybe compliment, indeed diverge, but unfortunately sometimes sever …I’m not afraid of separation, I’m not afraid of divorce, talking in the sense of the people in my life…I keep the people I need in my world…I learned many many moons ago that the negativity of those around me, really impacts me on a much deeper level than I’m willing to sacrifice…sounds kinda mean doesn’t it…well it is but alas it’s what I gotta do to keep myself grounded…

the time stamp on my id ankle bracelet was 8:25am – my life started at that exact moment, i took my first breathe outta womb at that exact moment, i became a daughter, granddaughter, niece and cousin at that exact moment…what i am now happened between 8:26am on the 19th day of april 1971 and 10:46pm on the 24th of july 2014…time’s a ticking…live it well…

546092_10151521888695694_426974640_n

just living life…

those that know me know my first name is nanette…cause my mother loved the name…she loved it so much they called me by my middle name, danielle…as the years went on, and the stories unfolded, i now answer to many a name – so just call me joey 🙂

i’m 43, a mommy to a 90lb, 4legged monster  who i am addicted to and a workaholic…why blog now, you may ask…well, i’m sick of hearing – you’re not having kids – oh that’s so sad…oh you’ve never been married – it’ll happen for you, sweetie…aren’t you lonely – you should try on line dating…and my all time favourite quote – you’re way too picky at your age…i’m wanting to share that a 43year old independent, career oriented puppy momma has an awesome life – a life i probably would not have chosen back in the day, but a life i adore, a life i cherish, a life that is mine…

if you’re looking for proper grammar, proper language, pg rated educational info – scroll on…this is me, raw at 43…

 

1488667_10153928746520694_1611764634_n