whoever said ‘sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me’ was a fucking liar

passion, meaning and purpose…

if I were to record how often I say these words out loud man the ink would run dry…I’m in a place now in my professional and personal life that I am forging ahead with what I know works…what I know matters…and what I know can make a difference…I’ve felt passion before – even if it were for a moment, even if it were alcohol induced, we’ve all felt passion…but when I sit back and think about meaning and purpose, I draw a blank…

I believe I was put on this earth to matter…but matter to who or whom…

the meaning of life and love changes so frequently… blogging has become a right of passage for me…it’s what I do to keep my mind active, calm and alert and it’s what has given me a new meaning to my life and my ability to love…if you’re following me and reading you’ll know that I’ve been going through some up and down times within my own life and have sought out help to get me through…through the past couple of years, I’ve become a better person…I’ve become a person who can say they had a breakdown but I’m proud to state that I’m that person that had a breakdown and grew from it…I use the words harassment and bullying different now and I approach others with a new view…a view from an experience and not from a book…

life and love…those aren’t the things that got me through my experience…it’d be a nice story if it was…but my family and friends didn’t help me – they didn’t understand and to be honest they didn’t have the information nor the time of day from me to help them understand…what helped me was a couple of co-workers, a psychologist and a dog…that darkness was bloody dark, lonely and haunting…if I had to project being in a situation that I found myself in and if I had to project who would be there for me – I would never have listed those above…I have a strong, supportive family, I have great friends and I have access to great resources…but I didn’t need them, I needed me…

at the end of the day when my head hit the pillow…it was just me…

I believe I was put on this earth to matter…but matter to who or whom…a little voice inside me answers “you, stupid, you”…but the big bad wolf in my head sometimes answers differently…we spend our lives trying to please others, trying to tiptoe around those who are struggling, trying to satisfy every invite, trying to have the house that is pristine in case anyone drops over…well by jesus, no one ever just drops over anymore so i gave up giving two shits a few years ago and man was it liberating…at this point in my life, if I can get up, shower and get the pup to not shit inside, it’s a damn fine day…

passion…god I love passion…

I took some time recently and did something for myself…it was a silly thing, it was a massage…I actually took time out of a day and went for a selfish massage…“why are you here”, she asked me…”I’m a workaholic, diagnosed with chronic stress disorder and I haven’t done anything for myself in a long time”, I answered sarcastically with a wide grin…“okay” was her response…an hour and a bit later, my receipt read “tension and stress” and I walked out with a smile on my face and a second appointment booked…I sat in my car and I had tears coming down my face as I called a friend to tell her my experience…I was rambling, perhaps a tad bit manic and I had tears in my eyes…something happened to me that day…you know what it was, I actually took a breath, a deep breath because I wanted to not because I had to…

for so long my breathing has been shallow and forced…I’ve developed a constant cough…am I sick, nope…I’m literally in such a hurry, always running, always going to the next thing in my schedule…never taking the time to breathe because I want to, that I lose my breath and I cough…that day, well that hour, my selfish hour – I took a deep breath, I held it and I let it out and I swear to god I let out about 44years of pent up feelings and about 2years of nothingness, avoidance and fear…when I was laying there, vulnerable to the environment, a scent of Japanese mint brought me back to my grandfather’s bedroom, a bottle of vick’s vapour rub and he’s gentle voice saying, “child, what are you doing”….my bottom lip quivered and I took a deep breath…and it felt awesome…

I bought that Japanese mint for myself that day and every morning, I crack the top of the bottle, I pour 2drops into my hands, rub them lightly together, cup my hands to my face and I make sure I breathe…that’s how I start my day…simple…my days are still long, my weeks never ending…but I’m breathing…breathing for me…

passion, meaning and purpose…my passion is my life…my meaning is my work…my purpose is my life’s work…that’s why I’m here… at the end of the day when my head hits my pillow…it’s just me…and that’s enough…

I think people get passion, meaning and purpose mixed up sometimes and get stuck in the lust, consequences and single-mindedness of life…I’ve grown so much out of an experience that crushed me…thinking back on my daily struggles, I never thought I would say I’m thankful for the experience now because I’m stronger, more confident and well just better…I still have nightmares, I still experience hypervigilance, followed by increased anxiety and then fatigue, I still get fleeting moments of paranoia and I still have flashback scenarios going around my head…but it doesn’t define me anymore…

since these experiences, I’ve been told “you need to lose weight”, “you need to walk the dog more”, “you need to go back to the gym”, “you need to do less work” – and I could keep going on…people don’t mean these things in a harmful way and I know that and hells yah I should do all of those things…but my life, my say…I’ve learned in practice that you let your client lead you…their goals will often not be what you think they should be doing, but you support them in whatever way you can…I have more supports around me than I know what to do with…but when I lay my head on my pillow, it’s just me…

whoever said ‘sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me’ was a fucking liar…man names do hurt…people are assholes…that’s why ‘just me’ sometimes is enough…and when you’re comfortable with ‘just me’ on the pillow, you’ll know who your supports really are…

passion, meaning and purpose…fight for it…when you win, you’ll find your Japanese mint and you’ll breathe…

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