feelings…i’d rather hide them, but damn it i’ll share instead…

i’m not sure why but i’ve always been pretty closed minded about sharing my feelings and expressing myself through my feelings…i think i’ve lost a lot of time in my life doing that and i’m ready to start validating that my feelings are okay…i think hiding feelings for me is easier than being questioned or made fun of because how i react to a situation is deemed wrong or over dramatic…now don’t get me wrong, i am a very sarcastic person and i am the first to poke fun at anyone but if you know me, if you really think about it, i’ve never shared my true emotions with you…it’s something i haven’t been able to do without feeling super uncomfortable and super vulnerable…so i hid, i deflected and i avoided…you didn’t know i was doing this because i’m good at it 🙂

feelings…synonyms include emotional state, state of mind and frame of mind…definitions include a sense of touch, something felt emotionally, affection, and the ability to express emotionally…

I’ve felt a lot of feelings this year…and I’ve taken note of them…it’s a new thing I do…feel, take note, reflect and cherish…

feelings…we all have them…they can change by the second, minute, hour and day…they are impacted by words, phrases, pictures, stories, people and situations…how we feel and how we distinguish between feelings is so individualized…what makes one happy, may make one sad…one angry, one frustrated…one intimated, one strong…

what feelings have you felt this week…

happiness…my week started with a certain lil man dressed in santa striped pajamas…he’s a mere 5months old and he smells like he feels – new and intoxicating…he is a little gem of sweetness…when I look in his face, I feel warm and I can feel my insides smile – I know that doesn’t make sense, but if insides could smile, I know how mine would feel…when this little chunky monkey snuggles into me, they smile…the happiness I feel when I’m around this monkey impacts me on a physiological basis…I feel an overall lightness, I smile – he smiles and I feel grounded…

anxiousness…my dad was feeling sick this week…flu like symptoms treated with antibiotics…not a biggie, regular ole winter sickness…I’ve realized this week that when he gets sick, I feel anxiety…I’ve always known that I experience a heightened sense of anxiety when he is feeling off, but this week I’m saying it out loud…my family make fun of me for this and call me a drama queen when it comes to illness and feeling off, but my anxiety is real…there I’ve said it…my anxiety is real…drama queen or not the feelings that come out of this situation impact me and I feel the effects…

sadness…I sometimes feel sadness, not a deep sadness but albeit sadness…I found myself driving the other night and noticed a tear trickle down my cheek…I was listening to a freaking Christmas song and I swear to god a tear trickled down my cheek…my dog was in the seat next to me and I started crying, I’m not a pretty crier so it startled him a bit and I felt if he could talk he’d say “what the fuck happened here momma, why the loud sadness”…I have no explanation to what happened but I sometimes feel so lucky to have the family I have, the life I live and the endless opportunities that lay ahead for me that I just randomly tear up…I pulled over, wiped my tears and opened the window to air out my brain…

excitement…I see my sister a lot in the run of a year but there’s something about the fact that I’ll get to sip Christmas red cup hot drinks with her, watch our favorite movies, fall asleep on Christmas eve and make fun of each other in our family home that weathers up a ginormous storm of excitement in my belly…

anticipation…this week I anticipated the arrival of an email that would impact my future…I thought happy thoughts and tried to put the anticipation out of my mind but realized that feeling the anticipation was part of the experience, so I anticipated it daily…as soon as the email came, I rushed to open it…as I was reading it, reality struck and the anticipation ended…but with every ending comes a new beginning…so the anticipation of a new beginning started as the email became part of my history…

strength…the experience of strength is hard to identify sometimes…but this week, this week I felt strength…this strength enables me to regain myself both professionally and personally…strength has gotten me through a whole slew of experiences lately…funny thing is, it took others to point out my strength in order for me to acknowledge it…strength – my strength allowed me to survive this year and survival is good…

humbleness…this time of year brings out so many emotions and feelings in me…I am humbled being welcomed into so many people’s homes…I am humbled that people consent to me doing what I love to do…I am humbled listening to personal survival stories and I am humbled to work with such amazing co-workers…being part of a team that is continuously striving to guide people along their recovery journey reiterates my passion and love for my work…being privy to people’s personal stories is a gift that I cherish…

weariness…my body and mind are fatigued – something that I’m working on….but I’ve felt weariness this week…the feeling of exhaustion is like being kicked in the guts…I sometimes creep around the house like I’m a 90year old woman, creeks and cracks coming from body parts that should not creek nor crack…the shear notion of being exhausted without having run a marathon kills me…I lay in bed, asleep before I hit the pillow yet I awake not rested…that’s my weariness…

fear and anger…I finally went to the doctor this week after a lengthy time of being unhealthy and unwell – mentally and physically…the idea of going in and talking with her did not elicit the fear…it was the second visit and the idea of test results and a physical that provoked fear in me…as I sat in the office naked with a white sheet wrapped around me, waiting for her to come in, I feared the worse…I sat there on the examination table and my mind played tricks on me…the fear of bad news was followed by a feeling of anger…the anger came from within, it was an anger that had the news from the doctor been bad, I was to blame…

love…I feel love daily whether it’s the love of my pet, the love of my work, the love of my family or the love of a good deed…I’m never without love…that’s the thing with my world, the love I feel and the love that has been bestowed upon me is what makes me whole…loving life is the moral of my year…

feelings…we all have them…how we experience them and how we describe them is completely individualized…I was chatting with a friend the other night and we were sharing stories about how we physically and physiologically experience feelings…our stories are different however our experiences similar…how we described our bodies and minds in the moment of our experiences fascinated me…her, anxious…me, heavy…her, sad…me, reactive…why do our bodies and minds feel…how do we process feelings and how do we get past the really bad feelings that we all experience…

i’m learning that in order to process and progress, we need to be aware of how the feelings impact us and we need to validate that the feelings and impact are real…i can’t hide anymore…i won’t hide anymore…i can’t deflect anymore…i won’t deflect anymore…i can’t avoid anymore…i won’t avoid anymore…

my feelings are raw…my feelings are real…my feelings are okay because they’re mine and mine alone…think about your feelings…what are they…how do they impact you…do you take note of them…do you validate the impact that your feelings have on your world…or do you hide, deflect and avoid…

these are my week’s feelings…thought I’d share because that’s what I do now – I feel, take note, reflect and cherish…my new thing…

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overdosing on my medicine keeps me well…

as the new year approaches i sit back, sipping eggnog, wrapping gifts with a smile on my face, christmas lights glistening all around me and i think ‘kiss my ass 2014’…

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i always love the start of the new year, not the weather that accompanies it but the thought of a new clean slate of beginnings…i always think, phew another year in the books my friends and i say with a smile – here’s to new hope, new dreams and new aspirations…

if you’ve been reading my blogs, 2014 has been, well how do i say this without sounding ungrateful for having survived it – hummm well lets just say not one of my shining years…sure there were fantastic things that happened but it’s unfortunate that i let the shit ass moments outweigh my fantastic ones…but i guess that’s life really…

my wish is to be able to rid my mind of the bad things and focus on the good things…but then i think the bad things, despite being difficult really had a positive impact on my life…funny isn’t it…i was chatting with a friend the other day and she reiterated this feeling…she told me that life is not without moments that we wish we hadn’t witnessed, experienced or lived through…she went on to state that whenever there were really hard times in her life, looking back the hard times were also balanced by a huge positive…i reread her text a few times and that statement just sank in and made me realize that we all have to look beyond the hard times and treasure the things that bring us balance in our lives…refocusing and rebalancing our mind is a skill that i know i have to learn to gain control over…it’s like i want to charge my batteries to feel rejuvenated…

but i wasn’t built with batteries…

so now what…how can i learn to embrace that which i deem hard or difficult or bad…how can i learn to open my mind and my heart to those things that have taken a piece of me and left me feeling vulnerable and broken…well my packaging may not say ‘batteries included’ but i have something that can help me…it’s kinda a new concept for me and it came to me through a training opportunity with my work…it’s something called ‘personal medicine’ – coined by a brilliant psychologist and researcher…i hope you’ve heard of it…it’s literally a medicine that is not prescribed…it’s not a medicine that one ingests…it’s not a medicine that has contraindications with how we live our lives…it’s actually something one can do, rather than take…its something that has an active ingredient that can lift you up, raise your spirit, make you feel whole, guide you on a path of happiness and simply a medicine that can keep you well…

i went to a training session recently and the group spent some time discussing this concept of ‘personal medicine’…at first i thought, oh god another ice breaker with a group of strangers, really can’t i just say my name, profession and province…but as we went around the room, i found myself thrust into a world where ‘personal medicine’ works…beyond stating our name, profession and province we had to divulge our own personal medicine…it was an eye opening experience for me as i had only used it with clients in the past and had not really gave it a moment of thought in terms of my own life…the room was filled with health care professionals – now you’d think we’d all tried this before because we all had gone through the same training in a particular model of care…but i slowly came to the conclusion that this was the first time for many of us to state out loud what our ‘personal medicine’ was…

your ‘personal medicine’ can be anything…for some it was the pursuit of a good purchase…for some it was family…for some it was friends…for some it was nature…for some it was pets…for some it was sunday family dinners…for me…i pondered as ideas floated around the room…for me, my ‘personal medicine’ is my 4legged monster, i said with no hesitation…i went on to tell the story of how he was supposed to be my lap dog but he just kept growing in size, weight and personality…i stated that i am the person that i made fun of not too long ago and i am the person whose dog rules her life…the room filled with laughter…and then i stopped and an inside voice became external and i said, well actually i have two…the second ‘personal medicine’ that i have in my life actually came from a struggle that i found myself in this year…the second one is something that i had never imagined would be part of my being…all eyes were upon me…my second, i proudly stated is a blog…

now there’s a second part to this theory of ‘personal medicine’ that we practice with clients…simply identifying a ‘personal medicine’ is one thing, the next step is revealing the active ingredient in the medicine…here’s comes the thought process behind the identification…

what’s a medicine without an active ingredient…

if you know me you know i am a human owned by a 4legged animal…the active ingredient to this medicine is the fact that he gets me up in the morning…he has taught me to smile with no one watching…he has taught me to play…simply enjoying nature with him…he gets me out for walks – which i hate but i do it for him…which is such a weird concept…i hate walking, yet this dog, an animal, can look at me a certain way and i instantaneously get up from a comfy couch, turn off the television that i was watching and i dress myself up to face the weather and go outside willingly…like willingly – oh my who am i…lol lol…this 4legged animal also has given me the sense of love and well addiction, in a good sense of the word…he is truly my ‘personal medicine’…a medicine i never thought i would have in my own life…

why did he come into my world…205405_10152650693925694_669137275_n

i believe it was to project me into a new phase of my life…a rejuvenation of the life that i loved but love even more now…the decision to get a puppy baffled me…i think i was kidding myself when i was looking though websites, exploring different breeds, watching Caesar Milan work his magic…i don’t think, looking back that i was serious until a friend sent me a picture of what is now my little man…it was love at first site…the benefits of being a dog owner has significantly impacted my being…my whole person…i got a dog to show myself i could be responsible for something…i got a dog to prove to myself that i could do this, as many had repeated that i couldn’t…i got a dog to have a family, my family…it was the year i came to the realization that my family would look different from others…my family has grown into two…what it’s done for me i could never have imagined…

the second active ingredient…well again, i’ll start this sentence with if you know me…if you know me, you’ll know i’m not good at sharing…i’m excellent at listening and providing heart felt, honest advice…i’ll never lie to you if you ask me a question…i am your best friend when you need me…if you don’t need me anymore, i’m the first to back away…i’ll never fluff an answer to make you feel good about yourself or a decision that you made – i’m straight laced…i’m my daddy’s daughter…but with all that said i started a blog…a blog of ramblings to help me help myself…hitting publicize each time i write begs me to ask the questions – will people read this…will people like this…will people think my ramblings are crazy, ill mannered and poorly written…then i think, fucked if i’ll ever know…

why do i blog…

i believe it was to project me into a new phase of my life…a rejuvenation of the life that i loved but love even more now…the blog came from a dark time in my life…a moment in time…a snapshot in time…the benefits of the blog have significantly impacted my being…my whole person…i started a blog to help me help myself…what it’s done for me i could never have imagined…

in this, my 43rd year i am a dog owner who blogs – well mind blown…insert sound effects here..

what’s your ‘personal medicine’…

it’s important to fill our lives with things we can do to get us through the days…life is like a roller coaster – there are ups and downs…there are sharp turns and turbulence…there is yelling, screaming, laughing, crying…there are sometimes long waiting times to get to the ride…sometimes you’ll run out of energy to wait…sometimes you’ll lose your tickets – but the ride, the ride is worth it…whether it’s my pup or my blog or one of the many other things I can list that helps me live the life I want, I have to relish in the fact that every experience counts for something…

i believe that everything happens for a reason…my wise and wonderful mother always says, karma’s a bitch…oh wait that’s for another blog – but loves it, so I’m leaving it there…no seriously, my wise and wonderful mother always says, in spite of difficulty and sadness, despair and hardship – we shall prevail…

today, I embrace all that I’ve experienced in this life of mine 2014 and I would gladly live through it again to get to the place I am now…home – in my mind, body and soul…

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