every moment with you…#makingit

we sat in the cabana steering at the pool, the adult pool cause let’s be honest, who sits with kids when you don’t have to…we sat there and my sister giggled and in one sentence she changed my viewpoint that day…”isn’t this a great age”, she said…”I mean to be able to sit back and do this and not to worry about tomorrow, this is making it”…

making it…I’ve been thinking about those words for a few months…reveling in the experiences we had…reveling in the moments we shared and the memories we made…making it…two often unimportant words, until put together in a context and then “making it” describes a significant life experience…

in my 20’s “making it” was living with a guy I adored, dreaming of a house, a ring, a baby, a life…I lost friends, I lost sleep and I lost myself…there must have been a piece of me that told me this wasn’t how “making it” should feel…taking myself directly past go in the game of life and back to university despite being accused of doing so for alternate reasons, I marched on…beaten down verbally and emotionally, I managed to finish – it wasn’t your regular 4yr degree…oh my goodness no…it took me 7yrs to walk across the stage with my undergrad…I worked full time for minimum wage, I went to school doing one course at a time, I managed to study on lunch breaks which were 30minutes, I managed to study late at night as I lay in a bed alone while my dream guy played loud music in another room, I managed to pass – I managed to pass…I got sick in my last semester, ended up with emergency surgery but by god, I passed…I walked across the stage with my stomach packed with gauze to help heal an infection that was nasty and lasted about 2years…yup, I struggled…”making it” – I rethought…

in my 30’s “making it” was leaving home and driving many miles away with my parents in a truck full of stuff for me to settle into a new home, a new province and a new experience…I still can’t believe I did this but gentle god, thankfully I got in the truck that morning…I cried most of the way – yup 30 and crying my heart out about leaving a province I adore, friends I couldn’t live without and a family that had become my security blanket…at 29, I got luggage for Christmas, I giggled and joked “you got me fucking luggage” – oh the things our parents do…a sign – yup, a well played sign…walking into a classroom at 30years old and staring at 47other people from all walks of life – getting in to that school was my “making it”…

I’ve always been passionate about what I love…well hang on now, reading that sentence back doesn’t fit how I once lived my life…I think I’ve blocked out my life from 21 to 29 – it’s like an 8year block that I can’t relive cause FUCK it really, truly sucked…it’s amazing how much you can hate something and not let go…once I hit the road and stood on my own two feet, something happened…I’m not going to lie, that move was hard…the morning my folks drove away, I stared at them from my front window and cried, got myself ready for school and walked into a building full of fresh faces not knowing what the fuck we got ourselves into…it was those 3years that I found my voice, I found my independence and I found my best friends and that was “making it”…

hit mid-30’s and “making it” was making a good pay check, getting an extension on student loans and partying our worries away…it was freedom, a freedom I had never felt before…I had gone from living pay check to pay check, looking to my folks for loans to get us through to a whole pay check that was mine…I remember getting my first one and giggling my ass off…and then we went out and celebrated…and then we went out and celebrated…and then we went out and celebrated…hummmm…we actually didn’t stop…the experiences we lived those first few years were eye opening and we drank the stories and the worries away…my “making it” turning into “fake it till you make it hogan”…

now in my 40’s – “making it” takes on a whole new meaning…I look back at my experiences both good and bad and thank god for them…I’m the person I am today because of all that is my past…the loss of my best friend at an early age, sucky relationships, a return to school – not once but twice, a move away from home, and a sick father – all experiences that as my nephew would say “makes my heart hurt forever”…we are who we are because of where we came from, who we encounter and how we treat others…I got through all that and I was sailing, sailing away, well not literally sailing cause I’d drown but clipping through life without a care in the world…my work was my life, I overworked, overplayed, over enjoyed and overindulged in many a good and a bad way…

“making it”…I read a meme a while ago that alluded to the fact that somedays you sit back and realize that all your friends are getting married, having babies and you’re still in the corner drinking wine…well I nearly died at it and shared it with everyone in my contact list…true story though – there comes a time in life that friends take different paths and we’re so happy for them…but there comes a time in life that you sit back and think, hummmmm wait a god damn minute…where’s my wedding and where’s my baby, oh wait where’s the fucking corkscrew cause baby I chose the wine”…

“making it”…

44…no wedding, no baby…but a couple of corkscrews and passion for life that will out live a lot of the marriages and a passion for life that will grow as I watch my friend’s babies walk for the first time, say their first words, call me auntie, hold out their arms up to get me to pick them up…that’s my “making it”…I was watching tons of videos lately getting prepared for a group and I came across a brilliant woman who has lived a life with a somewhat debilitating mental health diagnosis…a brilliant woman who stated that it came a time in her life that she realized that she doesn’t have to put aside her issues to be “normal” “to make it”…what she needed to do was just be her…find fulfillment, find purpose, find meaning – and once you do that you will experience satisfaction…

I think we yearn for a life that we’re supposed to have…that cognitive response to life…I should…what if…I must…what if…I need to, now…if I don’t, I’ll never have it…that cognitive response leads into a physiological response and you live your days with heart racing, mind chaotic, thoughts muddled and emotions heightened…sometimes we think others have it all…the partner, the white picket fence, the car, the kids, the events, the bond…and it’s their “making it” not mine…

we’ll never live in a state of pure happiness 24/7…if you think you do, you’re kidding yourself or trying to kid others…social media these days has a way of fooling the fools…people tend to think why is everyone else happy – look they’re on vacation…look at the smiles…look at the parties…look at all their friends…look at those comments…ya can’t kid a kidder my peeps…social media has us ruined…

you can’t hide behind a filter – adjusting the angles, adjusting the color, adjusting the lighting…until your expose yourself to yourself, there’ll always be a filter…as my own life plays out, I’m learning that I can’t take a picture of satisfaction…I can’t take a picture of sure bliss…as my life plays out, I’m learning that my filter is not a reflection of who I am but rather a reflection of what I think others want to see…every moment in my life, I’ve been working towards success…but measuring success is hard…is success “making it”…is having the house, the car and the bank account “making it”…every moment I’ve spent thinking about success…every moment I’ve spent yearning for love…every moment I’ve spent thinking I could do more, make more and live better, I’ve missed a moment of opportunity to flourish in my own success, my own “making it”…a missed moment sometimes can be a lifetime of a missed memory…

into my life came a puppy…I went from wishing I had someone to start my morning with a smile and a simple sentence that started with “every moment with you, I feel _________” to a morning of me fighting for a place to lie on my bed, wiping away puppy eye gook and a morning with “every moment with you, has been a happy moment”…animals have an innate sense of reading our emotions, our inner, darkest secrets…animals are a glorious creature that can help us out of our darkest moments….my animal, my puppy, my little monster came into my life at the darkest moment…I didn’t know it at the time, but that was the darkest moments of nanette danielle hogan’s life…it was a cold day when I got him but my heart warmed looking into his eyes…he had me at hello – well he had me….at that moment, and every moment since, when I feel low, when I feel down, when I feel things are a little hopeless – I look into his eyes, or I touch his little body and that warmth comes back…the it’s okay feeling comes back…

that four legged monster is the love of my life right now…my best friend…my savior…being his momma has become my “making it”…coming home to a house with a jumping puppy who won’t leave my side is my “making it”…my house is my sanctuary, my white picket fence is actually pressure treated wood built high enough so a 114lb monster can’t jump it; my bank account dwindles quicker than good ole john wayne can pull his gun out of his holster; my baby was born with 4legs; and my car, well it smells like dog – exposed…

yahhh I’ve “made it”, I’ve made it mine…my life exposed…I still hate sharing but I’m okay with exposure…

keep the filters for your coffee not your life…expose yourself and gain an appreciation for what you’ve accomplished, not what you yearn for…