a letter to my father…

Without you there would be no me…

I’m sure the first words you said to me were “fuckin fuck you nearly killed your mother” as you held this tiny babe in your hands…what in the world was going through your mind as mom laid in a bed in recovery and you in a room with a brand new baby…well “fuck” was either at the start or the end of the sentence, who am I kidding it was definitely the first and last word…you always were a man of many words…

I’ll never know who you were then…but mom did and she picked you and we know she’s picky…I thank god for you daily and I thank the world for placing me in your arms that day many years ago…

despite the struggles, despite the heartaches, despite the long hours and days, you worked your ass off for us…I remember the sound of a pager and knowing that it would wake you from your sleep but you’d jump at the chance of a call-in…it meant providing for us…I remember you holding my hand and guiding me through life…just as you do today…I love holding your hand…it makes me feel like your little girl all over again…

you are the epitome of a raging bull – you always taught us that no one, no one was better than us and that we too were no better than others – we are all equals in this world, we will work for what we need…you taught us to speak up for ourselves, to strive for knowledge, to strive for a better life…you taught me to curse and boy am I a trucker…you taught me anger, you taught me rage, you taught me love, you taught me laughter, you taught me happiness– you taught me…my lessons sometimes took tutoring but in the end, I am definitely your child…you would go to the ends of the earth for me and sometimes that’s why I hide things from you…you would seriously lose your shit if we were hurt – physically or mentally…you would seriously lose your shit if our spirits were dampened…you would seriously lose your shit and well you have – that’s why you’re a raging bull…but you’re my raging bull and for that I am the independent woman I am today…

you are the epitome of a giant, snuggly teddy bear…as you read this I hear you in my head saying “fuckin fuck”…but people need to know that…you have the heart of an angel in that big ole angry persona of yours…your job is your job and you fight to the ends of the earth for your members….but when that door opens and you see mom, you melt…you are truly the most important thing in her world…for a woman to say she still gets butterflies when she sees you after all these years – you know you’re a good man…grandma and grandpa did good…

losing your dad at a young age had to be the most difficult thing in your life…I never met him but I think of him often and what a tremendous man he must have been to raise you…dad, I don’t know how you did everything you did for us…I don’t know how you got to where you are today – remember I found your report cards and dude were you angry…lol lol…you are a gentle giant with stories of hardship and stories of triumphs…you love your life, I see it in your eyes…

you were always a savage and still are…now I mean savage in a good way…you were the disciplinarian, if you could call it that…the yelling, the chasing, the timbit on top of the tv…the yelling, the chasing, the tire in between me and Stephen in the back of the car…the yelling, the chasing, the walks on the trails…like you are the most hilarious father that a girl could ever have…mom might have taught us sarcasm, but you taught us laughter…watching you do the ball and the paper bag trick, sure I still think david copperfield would eat that shit up…the horsie – well that seriously remains a hogan secret…the hiding in the closet with an old man mask on and punching Nadine in the face, sure that’s golden…savage sir savage…when a person says ‘watch out for her, she’s ed hogan’s daughter’ you know you’ve paved the road for me…the road to success…the road to ‘don’t fuck with her’…

there are so many memories…and so many more to be made…you were always meant to be my dad…I wouldn’t fit anywhere else…

with all your stories about friends and trips and what you used to do, I am surprised you guys didn’t lose the works of us in those days…you’d pack us up and road trip with us…there was no technology then, no ipads/ipods/iphones – just eyes in the car playing ‘I spy’ or counting railway tracks to grandma’s house…I’m so happy I grew up in that era and not now sitting in a car with headphones on or watching a movie or playing a game…sure that’s when we fought, but that’s also when we grew…thank you for that…I think kids these days miss out on that and for that I’m sad…

I would love to have been a fly on the wall when you listened to me playing the piano and being told that you should buy me one…I would love to have been a fly on the wall when my auntie pinned the diaper directly into my thigh…I would love to have been a fly on the wall when I said daddy for the first time…I would love to have been a fly on the wall when I met all those milestones…i’m not sure if you always wanted kids, like mom you’d never say no to me…but honestly pops, you were meant to be a dad…

I hope I make you proud…because dude you make me proud…proud to be your daughter…you’ve paved a world of opportunity for us…and for that I am so thankful…through all the years of not knowing where we’d be, who’d we be, how’d we survive – well you pretty much knew Stephen would survive, but for me and Nadine, I’m sure you lost sleep…and to go a little deeper, I’m sure you lost years thinking about Nadine…oh the Sunday dinners – the helicopter pilot, the Buddhist, the professional snow boarder, the dreams…you’d sit, mumbling “fuckin fuck” and we’d laugh…never have you ever dampened our dreams, stunted our growth nor called us out when we’re being assholes…how a parent does that I’ll never know…

never a day goes by that I don’t talk to you and never a day goes by that you don’t ask, “have you talked to your sister today”, “have you talked to your brother today” – I remain silent and you say “jesus danielle, they’re all you got for fucks sake, call”…always a man of many words…you truly will parent us to the bitter end…and for that I adore you…no matter how old I get, no matter what mischief I find myself, no matter how much finny tears up your backyard, you cherish me…i can’t imagine a life without my memories of what you and mom created for us…I am privy to the other side…I am the person I am today because of the love you bestow upon me…it gives me strength, encouragement, confidence and the power to be the person I am…

I believe the moment you held me for that first time, after you screamed “save my wife you cocksuckers” – you fell in love for the second time in your life…momma will always be your first love, but I’ll take second to her…but daddy you’re the first man I’ve ever loved and you’ll honestly be the only man in my life that I will always love…for the love of a father can never be replaced…you are my mentor, my guiding light, somedays a pain in my ass but overall the love of my life and the reason i am the woman i am today…

no matter what life has in store for us, I’ll always want to hold your hand…

and remember when you’re gone – i’m having a taxidermist stuff you and put you in your chair – insert hogan humour…

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3 thoughts on “a letter to my father…

  1. such a lovely letter to Dad, and you tell like it is. Your love shines brightly for him as his shines brilliantly for all four of you guys

    Like

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