order that red bull bitch – you’re gonna need wings in a few years…

I read a quote the other day, it read – burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie…don’t save it for a special occasion – today is special…

my mother taught me this many years ago…we all have that dress, that bracelet, that pair of earrings, those fancy shoes and that purse hung in our closets that we are saving, saving for that right moment, that perfect date, that perfect party or that perfect occasion…afraid of a stain, a wasted moment, a damn I wore that for this memory…but what if tomorrow never comes…what if you never get asked on that date…what if no night is more perfect than this unexpected night…what about today doesn’t deserve your best…

hope…a loaded four letter word that I love…how many times do the words come out of our mouths – I hope it’s warmer tomorrow…I hope this summer is good…I hope I get my dream job…I hope that cute guy asks me out…I hope…I hope…we live our lives in hope…these past few years, my hope is narrowed down a bit…I now hope that there is a tomorrow…I hope that when I lay my head on the pillow at night, that if this were my last night would I be happy with my day…there’s an old wives’ tale that supposedly saves marriages – never go to bed angry…I’ve stolen that saying but it’s more about me not going to bed angry at myself or the world…I’ve spent countless nights staring at the ceiling, wounded, hurt, disappointed, disheartened, beaten and sad…until I discovered that I am my own spouse and I’ll be damned if I’m ruining my relationship with myself cause damn I’m a catch….

we all have one shot at this thing called life…one shot…some of us fuck it up from time to time (insert hogan hardtimes circa 2011-2014) and some of us sail through…although those that say that sail through and fucking liars – sarry folks but you are…we’re all screw ups in our own worlds…it’s how we bounce back that counts…those that stick around us albeit at a distance are the reasons we keep fighting…my family jokes about the 7year curse…most of our past relationships started to crumble at the 7year mark…so as new relationships are wavering between those dreaded 6 and 7 year mark, we sometimes crinch…

I read once that if a friendship lasts longer than 7 years, psychologists say it will last a lifetime…

with that lifetime commitment there are also barriers within…life’s challenges overrides our desires, hopes and aspirations…life’s challenges kicks us in the behind or slaps us straight across the face…it stings…it hurts like hell…it tastes foul…

saying good bye…

pretty inevitable at some point in our lives…i was chatting with my mother the other night and we were just chit chatting and i was fooling around that when she doesn’t answer the phone, i picture something bad happening and i said ‘please never die on me’…she responded with a calmness in her voice and an unassuming smile on her face and simply said ‘sure sweetie, we’re all dying right now’…i seriously nearly spit the water out of my mouth…we laughed and laughed and i screamed ‘MOM’…to which she answered ‘well am i not right’…she is right, she is…damn mothers…when you squeeze the babies out of your va-jay-jay, is there a ‘now you will know everything grasshopper’ manual that comes after the placenta…

experiencing loss is something that we all will experience in our lives…what good can come of it…gathering together to celebrate the life of a loved one is a heart warming experience…coming together to mourn is a spiritual experience that makes us stop for a second, bow our heads and think deep and hard…what I think is what have I done in my life that would warrant people to cherish my memory…loss, it’s inevitable, it’s hard and it’s reality…

I find I’m at that age now that I never dreamed I’d be at…I always thought I would always desire that need to party, to drink my face off on a Friday night to wash away the goings on of the work week, to drink my face off on a Saturday night to wash away the goings on of the Friday night binge, to live lavishly, to spent every waking minute with those friends that have surpassed the 7year mark…sometimes I think and joke that I’m broken…like if I had a time machine and traveled back to the world before 40, I would bitch slap myself and say order that red bull bitch – you’re gonna need wings in a few years…I’d also tell myself to slow down, don’t sweat the small stuff, look around you, take it in cause soon there’ll be change…

I’ve dealt with changes in my work life and I’ve had control over a lot of changes in my life…until I lost control over my own thoughts, I never imagined the impact it could have on day to day functioning…I mean I can talk the talk but walking the walk – hell’s no, I couldn’t even crawl the walk! an ultimate break down led me to lose more than I bargained for…they always say the grass is greener on the other side but honestly it’s usually full of nasty weeds…

with loss comes hope…you may be so deep into the loss that the hope seems well, hopeless but that’s where those 7+ year friends come in…they drag your ass to the reality line and some will say ‘dude get your ass in gear’, some will remain silent, some will pour you a drink and some, just some will sit with you, silently, drink in hand and give you that look, the look that everything will be okay…

my hope is to surpass the 7year mark…I was once a victim of it and honestly thanks be to fuck I was…but now, now I’m moving on…we can’t be those people that meet at weddings, funerals, showers and kids bday parties…we need to not go to bed at night angry, we need to be thankful for what we have cause our nothing is somebody’s everything…

we need to be…we need to be wearing that most awesome dress with those earrings and bracelet…we need to be wearing those shoes and using that purse and best of all we need to enjoy cause today is special…

550457_10151282232305833_528293438_n

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “order that red bull bitch – you’re gonna need wings in a few years…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s