trigger, I wish you were just a horse in my memory and not a reality in my world…

I haven’t had much time lately to think or relax…I’ve kept myself pretty busy since the clock struck 12:01am on the 1st of January…I woke up yesterday and realized it was may, where did the months go…i’m not sure what happens to us as adults but as a child a year seemed like an eternity and now it’s here and gone in the blink of an eye…well I’m being dramatic but you get my point…

I was driving home from my folks place after picking up my puppsters the other night and everything seemed muddled…my heart was racing, my ears were burning, my palms were sweaty and I thought damn you trigger…I turned the radio off and I drove…I drove and I drove…I ended up in my car with my pup for over an hour just driving and thinking, thinking and reflecting, reflecting and reorganizing myself in my own head…

trigger was roy rogers’ horse…that’s the only trigger I knew…

I think back to the past few weeks and I realize a few things…I realize I’m not sleeping, I’m chronically fatigued, I’m jumpy, I’m edgy, I’m judgmental and I’m angry…painting such a pretty picture here I may as well add in the endless days without sun in our little city is really not helping…wow can you imagine that portrait hanging high on a wall – could be entitled ‘the week joey saw trigger and she doesn’t mean the horse’…fuck no wonder my phone has been silenced, people are choosing to be away from me more than with me…

trigger that damn horse…if only…

life has a funny way to trick you into believing that you’re okay…time passes, new people enter, you wean yourself off supports, you strengthen yourself mentally, the barriers come down and then BAM, trigger prances in all saddled up ready to go…a glance, a wave, a word – that’s all it takes…

I jumped down the throat of someone I love the other night…my defensiveness heightened, my words sharp and my thought process warped…that’s the night I drove…the realization that I let myself fortune tell the future and let my thoughts impact my being made me more angry that I had been in the beginning…I drove and I drove and I thought how could everyone in my life change without me…how could everyone in my life be aggravating the fuck out of me…how could everyone in my life be so wrong, so judgmental and so god damn idiotic…and then I thought wait a second…I’m the one that changed – no one else…

trigger that damn horse…

i allowed another being to take all the things that were enjoyable to me away from me…that’s the vulnerability talking…I had another being manipulate and cause so much turmoil in my life that I pushed everything enjoyable in my world away from me…I let myself down…I let myself down…I let myself down…vulnerable much? I often speak to people now and I realize that like an iceberg, what’s on the surface is only a smidge of what’s beneath…feeling vulnerable, feeling defeated, feeling overwhelmed and carrying stress can break a person…I’ve seen it before, I’ve witnessed it before, I’ve counselled people about it before but now I carry it…now I can envision it…now I can feel it…when trigger rides in on a bright shiny saddle the heart races, the ears burn, the palms sweat and the physiology in your body screams ‘FUCK’…I get it I say, I finally get it…

I’m slowly learning how to turn this negative experience into a positive experience, one that my clients, those close to me and myself can learn and grow from…I’m been saying my entire life that everything happens for a reason…and here I am and I want to bitch slap myself for thinking it…but it’s so true…through heartache and hardship, through tears and anger – there is light…I’ve been having a lot of a-ha moments over the year of writing and my latest is…

a-ha, I’m the asshole…

I walk with a trail of egg shells behind me, those around me trying not to step on them…I question why do the people I love aggravate the fuck out of me…well stupid you’re the odd ball out now…you were the strength, the glue the strong one and now you’re the weakling, the one who no one knows how to talk to…OMG insert WTF…I’m the asshole…it took trigger, the trigger not the horse to teach me that this week…as I look around my world, I need my people…I thrive on my people…I know they love me…I know they do not understand me…I know they think I’m losing it and I should be on suicide watch…I know they care and I know they had to move away to keep us safe…

trigger, I wish you were just a horse in my memory and not a reality in my world…

god how mad do others get when they go through this…how many people have lost people because of other people…mean people…how tortured, how harassed, how bullied, how beaten down must one get before the trigger pulls in on the reins…I’ll never know the extent to what could have happened…my scream was louder than trigger’s scream…my tolerance was high until I could go no more…what could have happened – that’s a scary thought…knowing where I came from, dreaming of where I’m going and planning for how I’m going to get there is underway…don’t ever let a horse named trigger lead you astray – haul on those reins and tug, you won’t hurt him rather you’ll slowly gain control…

my trigger – saddle so shiny, shoes so new, prance so perfect and the world in her hands…she’s good, she’s real good but she’s not winning…my saddle is shinier, shoes newer, prance more perfect and the world in my hand – I ask for forgiveness and I ask to remember the old me and the willingness for the new me, the changed me, the beaten down come back around me back in your world…

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