it’s finally about me now and not you…a-ha moment…

“I want everyone to meet you. You’re my favorite person of all time.”

I lived 41 years without having to talk about my feelings to get through the day…I lived 41 years without having to avail of a therapist to help me with an event…I lived 41 years with having to practice coping strategies on a daily basis…41 years, that was a good run…

I turn 44 next month…

I’ve been working very hard lately with work, my private consulting, my volunteer commitments and school and I’ve been busy…like I look in the mirror and say damn girl where you been kinda busy…but I’m not measuring my busy against your busy cause that’s not cool…my busy is good busy…it keeps me occupied, it keeps me current, it keeps me challenged and it pays the bills…I’m beginning to learn a new lesson though, I’m learning to stop violating the word ‘busy’ and learn to enjoy the fact that I have opportunities to be busy…of course I can say no but why when I am physically and mentally able to…there may come a day I will yearn for the busy word to describe my life…

I turn 44 next month…

I’ve seen too many people suffer, too many people yearn for meaning, too many people struggling with demons to be hard on myself for being busy…but does being busy equate happiness…hummmm that’s the question…i talk about triggers most days with clients…triggers that can impact emotion, feelings, ability to progress, ability to move, ability to speak…we talk about how to identify triggers and move past them, how to cope and how to overcome…my life before 41, never had triggers…

next month marks the 3rd year…

when something happens in your life that rocks your world, turns it upside down, slam dunks it in a pile of horse manure, kicks it in the balls and then spits on it – well you’re kinda gonna change…how could you not…the person you were the day before is gone…the person who you the second before it happened is gone…see that’s what happens to a person when you get stomped on…now the stomping can be anything you imagine but the story doesn’t end there…if you can put a word to the stomping, that’s the first step to recovery…that’s the first step to realizing, hells no this is not continuing, hells to the no this is stopping…

my word was…

I’ve learned a valuable lesson the years between 41 and a month to 44…I’ve learned that some people can handle your changes and some people can’t…I’ve learned most people think they understand your word but the realization is that less than 40% really do…where did I get those percentages, well from my own life – now I suck at math so take that with a grain of salt! but if you stepped back and thought of 40% of the people that are the closest to you, that’s still a lot of people that have your back, that even though they can’t quite put there whole finger on the issue/solution, they still stay close by, they linger, they tip toe and they make you smile…the 60% become new triggers…harsh but my realization…I’ve started to have waves of emotion, I think it’s a new phase of my recovery…

my triggers are disappearing, legit disappearing but the everlasting effects of them still linger…even though the threat disappears for some people, it takes a mere vision of a certain thing, a whiff of a scent, a number on a phone, a word, a question or a look that brings it all back…I never thought I’d be this person, yet…

I’ll be 44 next month…

I think my reserve tank has always been pretty damn full…the first to say yes, the first to plan, the first to be ready, the first to offer advise, the first to come to the rescue – well you get the picture, I was the first…between 41 and a month before 44, my reserve tank got pretty low…well it bypassed the ‘call a friend’ stage and went to ‘call a professional, before you end up in jail’ stage…oh holy hell it was low…that tank is slowly filling up, because I found the opening to allow it to slowly creep up to a maintained flow…slowly, ever so slowly…see your reserve tank is your safety net…it keeps you sane…but only if you keep it on continuous fill up…ahhhh that’s the key…

What happened to that person – well someone turned my reserve tank into their fuel…and someone else lit the fuel on fire and watched it burn till my spark blew out…but that was between 41 and a month before 44…

I’ve been having a few triumphs lately with a few people I’ve been working with…some struggle with engagement, opening up, sharing and trusting…I’ve seen relationships take years to develop that therapeutic bond…I’ve seen relationships reach that therapeutic bond quickly for a number of reasons…what I’ve learned from this experience is that when one is ready to engage, when one is ready to open up, when one is ready to share and when one is ready to trust – they will…the defining moment comes in the aftermath of that release…it’s the aftermath that has a lasting impact on the person…it’s a skill to be able to hold one’s trust…it’s a skill to be able to guide a person along a journey without prejudice, without judgment…

36days, 1hour, 8minutes and 48 seconds until 44…

I found the perfect person to help me along my journey…it’s funny how we search for that perfect fit, that perfect relationship, that perfect timing to open up…but nothing’s perfect…I’ve had quite a few a-ha moments in the last few months…those a-ha moments have made me into the person I am today…no longer without triggers, no longer the first to be the first, no longer the crowd pleaser, no longer the partier, no longer the one with a full reserve tank…but alas i’ve become the person i want everyone to meet.

it’s finally about me now and not you…a-ha moment…

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