feelings…i’d rather hide them, but damn it i’ll share instead…

i’m not sure why but i’ve always been pretty closed minded about sharing my feelings and expressing myself through my feelings…i think i’ve lost a lot of time in my life doing that and i’m ready to start validating that my feelings are okay…i think hiding feelings for me is easier than being questioned or made fun of because how i react to a situation is deemed wrong or over dramatic…now don’t get me wrong, i am a very sarcastic person and i am the first to poke fun at anyone but if you know me, if you really think about it, i’ve never shared my true emotions with you…it’s something i haven’t been able to do without feeling super uncomfortable and super vulnerable…so i hid, i deflected and i avoided…you didn’t know i was doing this because i’m good at it 🙂

feelings…synonyms include emotional state, state of mind and frame of mind…definitions include a sense of touch, something felt emotionally, affection, and the ability to express emotionally…

I’ve felt a lot of feelings this year…and I’ve taken note of them…it’s a new thing I do…feel, take note, reflect and cherish…

feelings…we all have them…they can change by the second, minute, hour and day…they are impacted by words, phrases, pictures, stories, people and situations…how we feel and how we distinguish between feelings is so individualized…what makes one happy, may make one sad…one angry, one frustrated…one intimated, one strong…

what feelings have you felt this week…

happiness…my week started with a certain lil man dressed in santa striped pajamas…he’s a mere 5months old and he smells like he feels – new and intoxicating…he is a little gem of sweetness…when I look in his face, I feel warm and I can feel my insides smile – I know that doesn’t make sense, but if insides could smile, I know how mine would feel…when this little chunky monkey snuggles into me, they smile…the happiness I feel when I’m around this monkey impacts me on a physiological basis…I feel an overall lightness, I smile – he smiles and I feel grounded…

anxiousness…my dad was feeling sick this week…flu like symptoms treated with antibiotics…not a biggie, regular ole winter sickness…I’ve realized this week that when he gets sick, I feel anxiety…I’ve always known that I experience a heightened sense of anxiety when he is feeling off, but this week I’m saying it out loud…my family make fun of me for this and call me a drama queen when it comes to illness and feeling off, but my anxiety is real…there I’ve said it…my anxiety is real…drama queen or not the feelings that come out of this situation impact me and I feel the effects…

sadness…I sometimes feel sadness, not a deep sadness but albeit sadness…I found myself driving the other night and noticed a tear trickle down my cheek…I was listening to a freaking Christmas song and I swear to god a tear trickled down my cheek…my dog was in the seat next to me and I started crying, I’m not a pretty crier so it startled him a bit and I felt if he could talk he’d say “what the fuck happened here momma, why the loud sadness”…I have no explanation to what happened but I sometimes feel so lucky to have the family I have, the life I live and the endless opportunities that lay ahead for me that I just randomly tear up…I pulled over, wiped my tears and opened the window to air out my brain…

excitement…I see my sister a lot in the run of a year but there’s something about the fact that I’ll get to sip Christmas red cup hot drinks with her, watch our favorite movies, fall asleep on Christmas eve and make fun of each other in our family home that weathers up a ginormous storm of excitement in my belly…

anticipation…this week I anticipated the arrival of an email that would impact my future…I thought happy thoughts and tried to put the anticipation out of my mind but realized that feeling the anticipation was part of the experience, so I anticipated it daily…as soon as the email came, I rushed to open it…as I was reading it, reality struck and the anticipation ended…but with every ending comes a new beginning…so the anticipation of a new beginning started as the email became part of my history…

strength…the experience of strength is hard to identify sometimes…but this week, this week I felt strength…this strength enables me to regain myself both professionally and personally…strength has gotten me through a whole slew of experiences lately…funny thing is, it took others to point out my strength in order for me to acknowledge it…strength – my strength allowed me to survive this year and survival is good…

humbleness…this time of year brings out so many emotions and feelings in me…I am humbled being welcomed into so many people’s homes…I am humbled that people consent to me doing what I love to do…I am humbled listening to personal survival stories and I am humbled to work with such amazing co-workers…being part of a team that is continuously striving to guide people along their recovery journey reiterates my passion and love for my work…being privy to people’s personal stories is a gift that I cherish…

weariness…my body and mind are fatigued – something that I’m working on….but I’ve felt weariness this week…the feeling of exhaustion is like being kicked in the guts…I sometimes creep around the house like I’m a 90year old woman, creeks and cracks coming from body parts that should not creek nor crack…the shear notion of being exhausted without having run a marathon kills me…I lay in bed, asleep before I hit the pillow yet I awake not rested…that’s my weariness…

fear and anger…I finally went to the doctor this week after a lengthy time of being unhealthy and unwell – mentally and physically…the idea of going in and talking with her did not elicit the fear…it was the second visit and the idea of test results and a physical that provoked fear in me…as I sat in the office naked with a white sheet wrapped around me, waiting for her to come in, I feared the worse…I sat there on the examination table and my mind played tricks on me…the fear of bad news was followed by a feeling of anger…the anger came from within, it was an anger that had the news from the doctor been bad, I was to blame…

love…I feel love daily whether it’s the love of my pet, the love of my work, the love of my family or the love of a good deed…I’m never without love…that’s the thing with my world, the love I feel and the love that has been bestowed upon me is what makes me whole…loving life is the moral of my year…

feelings…we all have them…how we experience them and how we describe them is completely individualized…I was chatting with a friend the other night and we were sharing stories about how we physically and physiologically experience feelings…our stories are different however our experiences similar…how we described our bodies and minds in the moment of our experiences fascinated me…her, anxious…me, heavy…her, sad…me, reactive…why do our bodies and minds feel…how do we process feelings and how do we get past the really bad feelings that we all experience…

i’m learning that in order to process and progress, we need to be aware of how the feelings impact us and we need to validate that the feelings and impact are real…i can’t hide anymore…i won’t hide anymore…i can’t deflect anymore…i won’t deflect anymore…i can’t avoid anymore…i won’t avoid anymore…

my feelings are raw…my feelings are real…my feelings are okay because they’re mine and mine alone…think about your feelings…what are they…how do they impact you…do you take note of them…do you validate the impact that your feelings have on your world…or do you hide, deflect and avoid…

these are my week’s feelings…thought I’d share because that’s what I do now – I feel, take note, reflect and cherish…my new thing…

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