“what if I fall…oh, but my darling, what if you fly?”

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I love this quote…I found it a couple of months ago and have been holding on to it…it’s honestly something my mother would say, fuck she has said it to me many times in my life…sometimes the words are different…sometimes the tone is softer…sometimes the volume is louder…but always the same meaning…

I’ve made a few changes in my life that have made the world of difference for me…I’ve struggled with decisions…I’ve struggled with change…I’ve struggled with failure and I’ve struggled with success…but at the end of the day, when I lay my head on my pillow, I hear my mother’s words – sweetheart, what if you fly…

my parents raised me to fly…

I’ve been scared in my lifetime…scared of a lot of things – financial, professional, emotional and the list goes on…that scared feeling always dissipates with time…I was a late starter in terms of the career that I have today…it was the greatest achievement in my 43 years…it was a long road, one with many tears, fears and beers…but once I got the feeling of flying, I embraced it…you could say I soared to where I am today on a professional level…

I’ve experienced something recently that has been really weighing down my wings…and I’ve tried to shake it and I’ve tried to dispel it…but alas, sometimes evil tends to stick around in many forms…this form is like a weighted entity that has taken away my ability to fly…I feel like a baby bird trying to find my wings…but instead of wings, I’m in search for words…and instead of waiting for momma bird to bring me a worm, I’m constantly yearning for comfort in any form…the form of my choice has been silence and solitude…

my parents raised me to fly…and I’ve let silence and solitude break my stride…

fuck me…

it’s September – fall, my favorite season…I spent the last couple of days working around the island and I’ve had a lot of alone time…driving, staring at the road, staring at the clouds and wondering, if I never came back home, would I be missed…strange sentence hey…but alas, tell me you never thought that…if you haven’t…eeekkksss…stop reading my blog…if you have – you know exactly where I’m coming from so you can keep reading…

failure brings growth…I never believed this until I felt failure…I remember sitting on my bed many years ago and thinking ‘my life is over’…so dramatic…if I could go back in time, I’d smack the face of myself…like I would pile drive myself old school wrestling style…so silly, so young, so misguided…my mother listened to me when I’d talk and she let me go about my day when I wouldn’t talk…but the thing that resonated is the fact that she would say, ‘this too shall pass’ and ‘karma’s a bitch’…

“what if I fall…oh, but my darling, what if you fly?”

preparing for tomorrow always involves a well thought out plan…it’s like I create a daily decisional balance work sheet in my head of how to attack the day…I can’t imagine my world without my mother’s words…and my mother’s words have become my words…I find myself using her quotes, her philosophy and her overall optimism to approach each day…do I falter, oh sweet jesus yes…but like a baby bird attempting to take flight…I will trip, I will fall on my face but I have the strength to get myself back up again and take another leap…

life is not easy…if someone has taught you it is, they’re fucking liars…relationships are not easy…if someone has taught you they are, they’re fucking liars…sharing emotions is not easy…if someone has taught you they are, they’re fucking liars…sorry if you have liars in your life – I don’t…my folks never taught us life is fluffy…they taught us to fight…dad taught us to curse and mom taught us to rationalize…they will tell you that they both worked like dogs to get where they are today…when they fought, we heard them…when they laughed, we heard them…and when they cried, we heard them…they taught us to plan for the future but not at the expense of enjoying the present…

I’m my parent’s daughter…I’ve taken flight many times…I’ve fallen flat on my face a few times and I’ve fought like a dog to get back up…I think an evil entity has clipped my wing – but fuck I got 2 wings and my mom got a sewing kit for the clipped one…

if you’re anything like me, suck back your pride…know vulnerability does not equal weakness – that took me forever…and understand that strength is measured in one’s willingness to be open, vulnerable and exposed…not letting obstacles, a fall on your face or a clipped wing dictate who you are is key…

my parents raised me to fly…and I’ve let silence and solitude break my stride…my new comfort is writing…I haven’t found my voice yet to speak…my emotions impact my vocal chords…a wise treasured friend told me last week as she watched tears roll down my cheeks – “it’s good that you’re writing, but you need to say it out loud danilynn”…she went on to state that I can’t hide behind my words forever…soon I have to use my voice and share with the world…I will lassie, soon…

“sometimes, the person who’s been there for everyone else needs someone to be there for them”…

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