I’m not afraid of dying…

when I fly, I’m a window seat girl…I love looking out at the runway, looking out at the guys working hard to get all the luggage into the plane…I sometimes bet with myself whether I’ll see my suitcase being put on the ramp…I find flying relaxing…I have friends who hate it, just get so anxiety ridden when they buckle that seat belt and hear the announcement ‘prepare for take off’…I think if there were a camera on me at that announcement, i’d be caught smirking…I think sometimes how lucky I am to be in the position to travel…i definitely work to travel and I love every second of it…

as the plane gains speed along the runway, I find myself staring – staring at the city that I adore, the city that holds everything close to my heart…I stare and then I giggle of the adventure that awaits me…I’ve always loved glaring into the clouds…they fascinate me, they somehow embrace me…I lose myself in them…I often dream of what the clouds would feel like, how’d they smell and whether they’d hold my weight if I chose to stand on them…

I’m not afraid of dying…if dying brings me to the clouds…

I went to catholic schools all my life, attended church, well was forced like every other kid in catholic school and still trust that there is a god, a higher being and a forever after…the fact that I’m not afraid of dying comes from my believe in the fact that there is a forever after…I’ve lost some close people in my life and I think of them daily…I feel sad that they have lost all of these years and I feel sad that they’re no longer here but I feel happy that they are at peace, no hurt, no pain and no heart ache…

I wouldn’t say I’m a religious person, but I’m definitely a spiritual being…the closest people I have lost I believe knew they were going…I think I was too young when I lost my grandma and my nan to remember the days, weeks and months before they left this earth…but I remember the night my grandfather passed…I was busy at school work, laying on the couch and something struck me…go see poppy I thought, put these books away and go show him your new car…I remember the drive in my purple neon, yup my first real car…I sang loudly to music the whole way…I parked in the front of the hospital so pop could look out the window and see my first grown up purchase…I loved him dearly, so dearly…I remember walking into the room that night, I remember his smell, I remember him sitting up with a white undershirt on – the ones he always wore, I remember sitting on the bed next to him and rubbing his arm, I remember describing my new car to him – he was unable to come to the window and I remember him calling me ‘child’…I remember leaving the room that night, kissing his forehead like I always did and he said ‘I love you child’…I whispered ‘I love you to poppy, see you tomorrow’…

there was no tomorrow…

being pop’s ‘child’ made me melt…just like being my best friend’s ‘bestest’ made me giggle…she was so young when she left this earth…back then we would write letters…the last letter I received came after she had passed…the words haunt me to this day…after about 10pages of talk about boys, jobs, school and adventures, she wrote ‘you’re the bestest friend in life and in death’ and attached a picture that read ‘put this on your nightstand so you can always know i’m watching you’…now creepy msccreepsters…if she were here today I’d be like ‘dude, you’re freakin me out’ but I think it was her way of letting me know that she’d always be with me…

I’m not afraid of dying…if dying brings me to the clouds and the clouds house the people i have loved and lost…but I know I’m not ready yet…

I believe in guardian angels…sometimes a slight touch, a split decision change of mind, a different route just for the hell of it – all signs that someone is watching over me…I fear things in life…I am afraid of things in life…things make me sad and things make me ponder…when I fear, when I am afraid, when I am sad and when I am in limbo, I find myself looking up, towards the clouds and sometimes looking for direction, sometimes negotiating and sometimes just thinking wtf am I going to do…

someone asked me a few weeks ago while at work if I believed in life after death…I quickly answered ‘hell yah’…I probably shouldn’t have used the word hell to describe my believe in life after death, but I did…then I chuckled…spirituality is a tough subject to talk about…some thrive in the thought of a higher being and some completely disregard the thought…it hit me on my last flight, as I became enthralled by the formation of the clouds below me – I think I’m becoming more spiritual as I get older…spirituality to me doesn’t mean the structure of the church or the rules of a religion…spirituality to me, is the time I get to spend alone, clearing my mind of all toxins and dreaming…it’s the time I get to spend with my family…it’s my parent’s dining room table and the food and the stories that we share…it’s my nephew’s little faces peeping in on me as I pretend to sleep…it’s the joy in their voices when they think they have woken me…it’s my father’s stories and it’s my mother’s touch…these make me whole…

I’m not afraid of dying but I’m terrified of losing the people I love most in my life…

this year has taught me a lot of things…one of the most important being, life is damn too short to get caught up in the negativities of the world…I think sometimes we’re always striving for better jobs, bigger homes, longer vacations, more fun, nicer clothes, and finer jewels…this year, I’m embracing what I do have…not losing sight that there may not be a tomorrow to enjoy the things that life has in my reach today…

just like life, clouds come and go, take all kinds of shapes, are sometimes dark and angry and are sometimes fluffy white and happy…I’m not afraid of dying, I’m afraid of not living my life to the best of my ability…I’m afraid of letting life slip through my hands just like watching the wings of the plane slip through the swirling clouds…

if you see me in the window seat of a plane, look for my smile…do it fast before I lose myself in the tranquility of the view…

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