behind closed doors…

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since getting my lil finny, I’ve been spending a lot of time outside in my back yard…a yard I haven’t used in 6years…a yard that is actually quite nice…I sit in my chair, feet up on railing, puppsters doing his combat training in the grass and just be, just staring off into space, reflecting on my day and really my life…with this pup and this yard, I’ve gone from the last girl standing to the first girl home at night…

being last girl standing meant I didn’t miss anything…the stories were my stories…the inside jokes, I got all of them…being the first girl home at night means I’m in the blind on a lot…i no longer have the funniest, most crazy stories…I no longer get the inside jokes – not even when they’re explained to me…my time in my back yard has been teaching me that I don’t care about missing things….i’ve been learning that missing things around me, only means I’m experiencing me…I mean I’m pretty damn good company for myself…my life in the past has been so crazy busy – I made it that way…who has a back yard and doesn’t use it…I started to think, seriously how have I not had an hour to sit out here…how have I not embraced this view…my folks took all this time and planted some trees for me and this year, finally, I notice their growth and I love it…

behind closed doors, there’s silence in my world…

the silence is sometimes deafening…but when I got used to the silence, my senses heightened…there’s distance voices that used to freak finn out…I mean freak him out…but I think he now knows that he is being brought up by a single parent in the hood, so he knows certain sounds…his reactions are slowly calming…I think the time I’m spending out here and the times of silence has really taught me to – well – think…

starting this adventure – leaping into this cathartic experience has released in me a sense of self…I’ve talked to so many people lately about my ramblings and I’ve honestly been astonished at reactions…talking to some colleagues about this practice of blogging today made me realize that I’m actually starting to practice what I preach…I smile at that because I preach to my clients all the time about finances and balance and coping skills and structured daily routine…i teach routine and skills to a population that some of the world doesn’t know about…take budgeting as an example…I preach, I calculate and I plan and I budget with my clients…I have sheets and percentages of how much they should spend on housing, versus clothing, versus toiletries, versus food, versus leisure…but I do not practice any of this…my brother in law has been after me for years to develop a 5year plan to pay off my debt….he questions, so how much interest are you paying…I stare into space, not making eye contact…he questions, so how much is owing on that…I stare into space, not making eye contact…see I truly believe if I don’t make eye contact, he won’t be able to see me – it never works…when I left the last time, as I was lugging my luggage at the airport to fly home, he’s last words were, ‘hey joey, bring all your financial shit next time, we’re doing this”…I kept walking, he kept yelling…I laughed, my sister texted and said, “he’s serious”…

my point being, I don’t and haven’t really practiced what I’ve preached, until now…

behind closed doors, I struggled…

I guess for some reason, I’ve become comfortable sharing with the world my imperfections and through my writing, my purging of emotion, I’m growing…well I’m actually letting that stunted younger version of me grow…a friend of mine said it right…she said, I understand why you don’t like to share – because if you share, you have to talk, and talking leads to emotion and emotion leads to hurt…she said you are still in control of your experiences by writing…it’s the control piece that you were missing before you did this…the experiences were always there, I just wasn’t able to make sense of them…

was I afraid of my experiences…was I afraid of being looked at differently because I’m being raw…I can’t answer those questions…

as I sit outside today, windows opened I hear a family planning supper…a dad singing out what do you want barbequed…a kid yells back, two hamburgers dad…I hear a shower going…a couple chit chatting about their days…and I hear a dog parking, oh wait, that’s my dog barking – he hates me writing…I hear a baby cry and I hear shouting, screaming and yelling…”you’re a piece of shit” a woman yells…”you’re a fucking whore”, a man screeches back…and the words go on…a young girl cries out…then I hear silence, a distant whimper and silence…

I have no reaction to these happenings behind closed doors…jaded much you may ask…well yup…my work experiences have instilled in me a sense that you know, shit happens….i may have grown up in smurf land, but not everyone did…when I heard yelling at my house, it was because someone pulled a prank on someone and the yelling was actually with happy words…not words that could cut through a person’s being…

car doors bang….mufflers purr…and the world goes on…

behind closed doors…we never know…we pick our friends up, we see them cross the threshold of their front door and they come running to the car with a smile…we drop our friends off after an afternoon of adventure and we watch them cross the front door threshold to go inside, they look back, smile and wave good bye…what happens inside that front door, we really have no idea…

i’m finally realizing that I was living a lie for many years…my smile, my interactions with others, my playfulness and my pictures on social media portrayed a completely different life…think of those people you follow everyday, those people singing the praises of their partners, posting happy family pictures, those people portraying to the world that life is so perfect…have you ever felt a hint of jealousy of them, a hint of dislike…did you ever sit down and think, why is such and such so happy, didn’t she just break up with someone…how did such a such find a new partner so fast…how is such and such affording that new car, that new house, that trip…that person does not look like that in real life, did you see what she/he wore at that wedding, that birthday, that party…and the list goes on…our eyes see beauty, perfection, happiness – but that’s the information that’s given to us…what I’m learning in life is that there are deep dark secrets beyond the front door threshold…

ever cringe as you walk to your front door and think, I wonder what kind of mood he/she is in right now…ever listen to someone berate you so much that you actually begin to believe it…ever been called a whore, a slut, a bastard, a lying son of a bitch, a good for nothing c-word…ever been hit, pushed, held down, spit on, or experienced someone being in your face…ever think the words would never stop…ever get a headache from the screaming…ever think you’re worthless…ever told, leave but good luck finding someone else to love you…ever talk back and regret it…

behind closed doors, that’s where that happens…

social media will never capture behind closed doors…the more people I meet in my life, the more stories I hear, the more doors I walk in through, the more I am aware of personal struggles, personal challenges, and the more I am aware of personal achievements and personal gains…I’m learning that people can only portray to the world what they have the strength to handle…sometimes being silent is the only thing a person can do to survive the day…it’s when that person gets the strength to open up, to invite you in beyond the front door threshold to enter the world of behind closed doors – that you are able to know them completely…

don’t be jealous because a friend of a friend met a guy, hit it off, got engaged and now are living the happy ever after…don’t hate the guy who broke it off with his girlfriend shortly after the wedding and is now seeing a girl you know through work…don’t stick up your nose at that person who just lost all that weight and is posting pictures of herself/himself at a pool party…don’t harbor harsh thoughts about – well you can fill in the blanks…we have no idea what people are going through on a daily basis…we have no idea of people’s past…

if you think you’re amazed about what you do know about people – I promise you, you’ll be amazed at what you don’t know…

my doors were always closed – i have two…a house and screen door…from this cathartic experience my house door is finally opened, but my screen door is still closed…give me time…i’m getting there…

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4 thoughts on “behind closed doors…

  1. Amazing! The light you’ve already let in. Can’t wait for the bad ass kick that sends that screen door flying. You go girl, s’gonna be a changin’ day!!!.

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