‘what is going to be the theme’ – simple ‘whatever’

as early as I can remember, which isn’t early cause my memory sucks, I can’t remember having a dream, not a dream you dream at night, but a lifelong dream – don’t get me wrong I’ve set goals for myself but a dream – nope…I have friends who have dreamt of what they wanted out of life, dreamt about their careers, dreamt about their wedding dress, dreamt about their weddings, dreamt about their partners and dreamt about being a parent…

I remember filling out that questionnaire for my high school year book…I remember staring at the ambition section and thinking ‘crap, what do I wanna be’…and I couldn’t answer…I didn’t say anything to anyone, I didn’t think people should struggle filling that section out…my classmates quickly filled out ‘police man’, ‘doctor’, ‘teacher’ and the list goes on…I wrote ‘psychiatrist’…why, Christ I have no idea…did I ever wanna be a psychiatrist, ‘nope’…it was the first thing that came to my mind…and my parents would have flipped if i had written ‘whatever’…

I’ve never had a dream…why…what does that mean…

I knew I’d be something, but never knew what…I knew I was going to university cause my parents told me I was…but I struggled with deciding what to do, what courses to take…I spent my registration days figuring out what courses wouldn’t require presentations…if I was surprised on the first day with a syllabus that listed presentation for a certain %, when I got home, I dropped the course…my course work led to a bachelor of arts…now WTF was I gonna do with that…I kept applying for jobs, getting turned down and applying for more jobs…I didn’t even know what I was qualified for…my mother encouraged me throughout, stating ‘finish it, get your BA and once you have it, no one can take it away from you’…actually, I think she rhymed the statement but I can’t remember how that went…

I’ve never had a vision…why…what does that mean…

there’s no answer to that…well I don’t think there is…if someone has it, drop me a line…lol lol lol…i’ve never had a vision of my wedding dress, who my bridesmaids would be, what my sister would say as she toasted my husband into the family…I’ve never had a vision of what my house would look like or what my children would grow up to be…

so weird…the statement “oh I’ve dreamt of this my whole life” as a newly engaged person describes her upcoming wedding would never come from my lips…the statement “oh I’ve had visions of my wedding dress my whole life” would never come from my lips…the statement “oh this is exactly like I had dreamt this would look” would never come from my lips…I haven’t lived up to my expectations cause I never had any…

I often wonder if others feel the same way I do…I wonder if writing, ‘I’ve never had a dream or a vision’ is going to cause a gut reaction and readers thinking, WTF, everyone has dreams and visions…well hello those living in la la land, I’m a person who has truly never closed her eyes and envisioned the future…I simply lived my life in the day…I’ve been simply going with the flow and thinking ‘whatever’ – whatever happens, happens…

I started this blog, with no vision of where I was gonna go with it…my sister asked all the right questions, ‘what are you going to name it’, ‘what’s the focus going to be’, ‘what do you want to get across to readers’, ‘what is going to be the theme’ – I answered ‘ahhhh, not a clue’ to all…my sister laughed at me and proceeded to help me set it up…she believed in this endeavour and thank god she did because I finally can answer all those questions…its like a huge light bulb went off in my head this year, this year of crapola…

it’s like I have verbal diarrhea…I can’t stop…my parents are bewildered, my sister is awe struck, my brother in law is reading, my brother is reading and my sister in law is finally getting the respect from me that she deserves…that light bulb was fucking huge, it’s blinding and I’m staring right up at it, cause I feel great….

dreams and visions, whatever…

at 43, I’m able to have them now…that light bulb did something…the concept of acceptance of why I don’t remember and why I haven’t dreamt of my wedding dress, my engagement story, my wedding day and what my kids will call me one day – is okay…it’s not weird…it’s just my experience…now I am dreaming of bigger things than the pipe dreams of weddings and engagements and children – the three things every little girl should be dreaming of…my visions and dreams are now about excelling in my career, educating others, spending time with my family, spending time with my nephews, growing old with myself and preparing for a future of the unknown…I was afraid of what my life would look like in the future…a glimpse of loneliness was felt this winter and it was a humbling experience…my expectations of others led me down a dark path…a path that I have now meandered away from…that path was full of empty promises, empty friendships and empty feelings…

I am overwhelmed by the amount of people reading my ramblings, commenting, messaging and following…its those that I never thought would get my writing, are getting it…those that I thought would get it, aren’t getting it…and that’s the a-ha moment in my world…

If I could go back to nanette danielle hogan all those years ago when she wasn’t dreaming and having visions of who’d she be, I’d simply say ‘just wait, they’ll come’…

and to answer my sister’s questions…

‘what are you going to name it’ – ‘this is me, raw at 43’…

‘what’s the focus going to be’ – adventuring out of my comfort zone and rambling about my daily experiencing in an effort to figure ‘me’ out…

‘what do you want to get across to readers’ – that a single, never married, 43 year old woman who has chosen not to have children and has a poor memory of her childhood and who hates sharing and is addicted to her dog, has struck her a-ha moment…I wanna share my life experiences through my ramblings in hope that it will make someone smile…

‘what is going to be the theme’ – simple ‘whatever’

1504120_10153636352685694_1577524347_n

Advertisements

One thought on “‘what is going to be the theme’ – simple ‘whatever’

  1. I love this quote:
    “Anger and disappointment blind us;they make it impossible to keep our eyes open since when we rage, we squint and thus we cannot see all that surrounds us.”

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s