something’s changed…something’s different…

something’s changed…

something’s different…

what happens to us as we age…I’ve always been a very happy person…I’ve had my ups and downs – like the time my sister looked at me and said “dude you gotta quit your job you’re a bitch”; the time I looked in the mirror and thought jabba the hut was looking back at me; the time my dad got sick and I, like my family say, fell to the floor with a force that would have gotten me nominated for an Oscar; or the time my sister asked me “why didn’t you buy me my favourite bagels”…

age…experiences…conversations…feelings…emotions…basically life throws obstacles at us everyday we wake up and take our first breathe…

I feel different…this year’s start was absolutely ‘suck ass’…holidays, smolidays…even writing that is so not me…I love everything….i’m that travel buddy who doesn’t have plans, doesn’t have ‘must dos’ – I just kinda go with the flow…I’m just happy when I get the chance to relax with people I love…I’m that friend who doesn’t care what we do as long as we do it together…I’m that friend that no matter what time of the day or night, I’m there for you…I’m that worker who thrives on her work ethic and strives to better myself to better those I work with…I’m that sister and daughter that’s invested in my family’s world…my brother once said to his now wife, “you don’t have to worry about my folks, just worry about my older sister”…I’m a mean big sister but I’m getting better cause my siblings have finally found their true loves…their ‘lobsters’…

something’s changed…

something’s different…

why am I in search of the ‘what’ or the ‘why’…I’m trying to dig deep into my world, deep into my psyche to figure this out cause I can’t explain what’s going on in my person…I’ve experienced some heartbreak, gone through some crappy stuff and have had some bumps in the road…I’ve changed jobs, i’ve gotten rid of negative influences in my life and I’ve changed my goals…my passions have changed…my experiences have changed…my desire for life has changed…the common denominator here is change….

I think we are somewhat afraid of change in our worlds – it’s like the old motto, “if it’s not broken why change it”…I challenge that and think change is good, change evokes growth and growth evokes change…we need to learn to acknowledge, accept and move forward with change…we can not stop others from changing around us, although we sometimes want to…I look at my nephews and think oh if I could just bottle them at this age…I look at my siblings and think oh if I could just have them both move home…and I look at my folks and think oh please stop getting older…I want my world, my safety net to stay the same…it comforts me, it keeps me sane…but ultimately, it stunts their growth and how dare I stunt their growth…

change…changes…changed…

it’s all around me and you…

a friend of mine asked me last night…”what does the word blog mean”…I looked it up, cause it intrigued me…a blog by definition is a ‘frequent, chronological publication of personal thoughts and Web links”…a blog to me, after some thought, really has changed my person…I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress lately and have had my mind racing on a daily basis…feelings of hopelessness – situational; feelings of being overwhelmed – situational and feelings of anxiousness – situational; have really weighed me down…we preach balance, we teach therapeutic writing, we offer our ears and shoulders and we counsel, we advocate and we empower…as great as I am for others, I suck for myself…that’s not negative towards myself, it’s actually insightful…

I’m my worst enemy…I’ve been trying to force change in some areas of my life and halt change in other areas – ahhh duhhhh – not working…actually sucking…

something’s changed…

something’s different…

that something is me…I’ve learned that trying to force change, trying to halt change, trying to control change, trying to make change a positive experience for others – only takes away other’s experience of true change…I’ve learned to acknowledge and accept change…I’ve learned that by acknowledging and accepting, I’m open to learning and boy am I learning…I’m learning I don’t have to feel the weight of the world on my shoulders…I’m learning that if others aren’t embracing change, maybe they’re not ready for change…maybe they don’t have the capability to acknowledge and to accept…in my work, we assist our clients on their road to recovery with the knowledge that all people are in different stages of change – maybe those around us are still in the pre-contemplative stage…they’re stuck…by encouraging them, not forcing them, to become more mindful in their decision making may actually help move them forward…

I’m in the action stage of my life…my ability to embrace, accept and learn from change is only making me stronger…I know that now…my strength has been my saving grace…as my acceptance to change grows, so too do I as a person…in my dream world, I want others to view my strength as a positive indicator that change is good…in my real world, I want my family and friends to view my strength as my personal growth…for some reason, I was afraid in my life, afraid of loss, afraid of failure, afraid of illness, afraid of that 3am phone call cause it means someone is dead, afraid of being the last friend single, afraid of not having children, afraid of being alone in my old age, afraid, just afraid – afraid of everyone and everything in my life changing…fear is an emotion and as I’ve written before, feeling is good…

something’s changed…

something’s different…

I’ve changed….

I’m different…

what and why – simply because of acknowledgement and acceptance, embracing and growing…

my year, like march came in like a lion but its gonna go out like a lamb…well actually a ewe – cause I’ve grown…

take that leap to the next stage of change…tighten up that harness, put on that helmet and push off…if you need to ride tandem – i’m here, right behind you, hold on…it’s worth the ride…