have you found yourself yet…

it’s never too late to find yourself…I always joke and say that I was middle aged in my 20’s, acted 20 in my 30’s and have finally come around and am an adult in my 40’s…i’m the girl who has visions of my childhood, not full memories, just visions…it’s so weird, I don’t remember a lot, I remember being happy, I remember hitting my brother in the head with a shovel, I remember the day my baby sister was brought home, I remember the half eaten timbit on top of the tv, I remember my brother choking me in front of my poppy while he watched price is right and was yelling, “child child shhh”…but I don’t remember little Danielle…

i changed schools in grade 8 – traumatic! went from an all girls, catholic school to a co-ed school…like boys in the classroom…like no more blue pleated tunic, white collared blouse, and knee socks as a uniform…I was free, free as a bird…walking into a new school was, well I’m sure nauseating, but I don’t remember…what I do remember was making new friends, wearing new clothes, teasing teachers – not nuns who scared the bejesus out of us – writing notes to each other, getting kicked outta class, lining our desks with motley crue pictures and going to Reid Center dances…god I loved that time…we stood strong and fought that we didn’t wanna go to a brand new high school…changing schools, we thought was bull shit…just bull shit…

high school, oh high school…I did love it…holding hands with boys, first kisses, first jungle juice, friday night hockey games, skipping classes and sleep overs…I made the best of friends in high school, we did everything together, we were inseparable…we thought we’d go on forever…but we didn’t…

with university, came a quick lesson that how we made it through high school, wouldn’t get us far in this place…one semester later, I took a break…well not writing my exams was a good indication that I wasn’t quite ready to grow up and finish university in record time…I took a retail job, saved money and headed to mexico with two of my best friends…mexico for 16days, no resorts, no all inclusives at that time…just mexico – just three of us…jesus, I wouldn’t do that now at 43 but at 20 we thought we were invisible…thanks be to jesus we didn’t die there…

I was 20, working retail and going out at least 4nights/week – we’d start on Thursday nights and end on Sunday nights…the good ole blarney stone – that’s where my life changed…old friends drifted away, new friends entered…I was 20…my life took many turns until 28…at 28, I started to rethink, rethink the world, rethink my dreams, rethink my goals…with a bachelor’s degree under my belt, years of playing a 50year old in a 20year old body, years of retail experience and years of my mother cutting out job ads in the Saturday paper and leaving them strategically on the dinner table, I thought – crap, I gots to be doing something…

how and why am I where I am today…it all started with a cut out ad…an ad for college offering 2 different programs, 2 programs I didn’t have a clue about…I’m not sure what happened to me that day, I’m not sure what drove me to do it, but I filled out an application…got accepted and started my diploma program, the diploma program that would change my world, change my person and change my future…I knew going through this program that I had more in me…I felt this innate sense of something else…so I marched on, succeeding beyond my expectations and learned that I loved learning… I made the best of friends in this program, we did everything together, we were inseparable…we thought we’d go on forever…but we didn’t…

with an impressionable instructor, I ventured onward to a world that I never thought I would…I was about to take on something that literally would swallow me up whole…I applied for a university program that would take me away from my family, my home, my friends, my colleagues and my safety net…at 29years old, I went back to school…I quickly learned about the word ‘prerequisites’ and that word would eat me alive…as I walked back into memorial university in the year 2000 with my memorial university id # starting with 89, I quickly signed up for tutors on a nightly basis…see completing my BA, I steered clear of sciences…steered cleared at a time that my brain was still in the learning mode (aka so stupid and young)…no I waited until I was 29, full of “what the fucks” on my brain…but I did it…I did it…I met people that year that thought I was just out of high school, got invited to many residence parties and mildly said, “no thank you” at each invite…

the day came when my lab partner saw me write my id # and distinctively shouted, “is that an 8 and a 9” – “oh my god you’re old”…I laughed and still do to this day…back then I thought sweet baby jesus, this 17year is gonna get me through this lab…years later as I met him in the hallway of a local hospital, he donning a medical student id and I, my occupational therapist id, he said, “Danielle, man thank you so much for getting me through physics”…I smiled, smiled widely and giggled…

we never know how impressionable we are on people…why is that…

I cling to my world…my safety net is getting smaller and smaller, but by choice…we meet people, we are drawn to people, we think OMG nothing will ever come between us, but sadly enough things, life, attitudes, and differing view points always does…as I entered on my new career path in a new province and yet another university, I met my friends…the best of friends – we shared things that I’ve never shared with anyone…I think they taught me that it was okay to be one of the oldest people in a class…it was okay to start something later in life….it was okay to act 20 when I was 30 – they recognized my potential, a potential I never dreamt for myself…we did everything together, we were inseparable…we thought we’d go on forever…and we did…

why do we choose to stick with certain people in our lives and choose to stray from others…such a silly question…as I get older, I seem to be drawn to those who have similar interests, similar desires, similar work ethics and similar life goals to me…what I’ve been noticing lately, those people that I’ve strayed from are actually becoming part of my circle again, hearing from friends from many, many, many years ago puts a smile on my face…it’s that idea that if we don’t see each other often, if we don’t know what each other is doing on a daily basis, that the impact we have on one another is minuscule…with social media, I’m learning that I know more about people’s lives now than I ever have…I’ve turned the idea of straying from into reconnection…I’ve turned the concept of not having anything in common into a reason to inquire…

we have more in common with each other than we think we do…we have feelings and emotions…we experience happiness and sadness…we have lost close people in our lives and we have gained new people in our lives…we love and we hate…we struggle and we achieve….overall, we just are…

I have more people in my life now that surprise me everyday by a simple email, a simple text and sometimes a simple rotten ecard…my life is a new adventure everyday…i’ve learned that expectations always upset me – but the anticipation of a new connection excites me…

can you do with a reconnection in your life…I can…

I went shopping with one of my besties lately for nursing bras, yup nursing bras…we ran into a woman who recognized me and said “Danielle, is that you”…I sighed and thought holy god, “it’s been a life time”…after a brief chat of what I’ve been up to, a few bra fittings, talk of breast feeding and growing boobs, this woman looked at me and said, “I’m proud of you”…4 little words that made me think, is she for real and then I saw her face, she stared at me, looking directly into my eyes and said “I’m proud of you”…just wow…

you never know who you’ll impress today – you’ll never know who’ll recognize you today – you’ll just never know…

who am I really…have I found the right path…who are you really…have you found the right path…take a deep breathe, reconnect, stick your toes into the earth and ground yourself…have you found yourself yet, sure you have – look in the mirror – you’ve always been there…you’re home…403784_10151206429505694_820885483_n

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2 thoughts on “have you found yourself yet…

  1. sometimes when i lie back and i often do,i wonder how me and mom would rate if there were a rating factor for parents and i now know from our visits with your sister and now your brother and you guys recent trip with steven and jel i think we unknowingly did pretty fucken good.your words and thoughts may inspire me to start a blog of my own SMALL CHANCE.dad

    Like

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