choices…7simple letters…

in my dream, I’m a mom…I have 2 kids, a boy and a girl – the boy’s name is Rotchford and the girl’s is Madeline…I work, I can’t quite pinpoint what I do, but I know I work…my husband also works, he loves me and we love our kids…my kids are into everything, my car is steady belt carting them around and our house is a state…we have a wide circle of friends and we live in the pearl, cause that’s where I want to raise my kids…I love spending time around the bay with the kids, the place where my parents took me, I feel at home there…I’m like my dad, I drive around, the kids in the back and I’m pointing out where my grandma used to live, spinning tales about how the house looked and smelled, how we used to play with the horse in the field and have bbq’s in an old tire rim on the picnic table and I describe vividly the smell, the smell of lilacs – they represent my childhood…lilacs and a wooden rocking chair – so random, like random.com…but it’s the smell of lilacs and that wooden chair that completes my dream, I feel peaceful and I wake up…

in my reality – I wake up to a 90lb lap dog cuddling into my body with black hair, he’s course black hair in my mouth, we’re both snorers, so there’s drool, not sure where mine starts and his ends…my alarm goes off, I curse, kiss his head, rise, shower and get prepared for my day…a day that’s not a dream but reality…

dreams are a good thing but reality is kick ass…I don’t have the wooden rocking chair at my house but my dad planted a lilac tree in the yard cause I think deep down he knows the smell brings me back to around the bay…I think it brings him back there too…the lilac tree stands tall in the yard, growing stronger each year, representative of my strength and growth…

in this thing we call life, we don’t get to choose where we’re born, who are parents are, our gender, our race or our place on the financial ladder…we are presented with options and with those options come choices…it is up to us to choose wisely…each choice has a consequence, be it positive or negative – it’s still a choice and it’s still a consequence…I’ve made many choices in my life, all of which I’d choose again, well sometimes I’d probably choose not to order that last drink, not order poutine and pizza at the same time, not wear heels just cause they’re pretty or not sneak a red bull into a bar down my pants – oh and not play regatta roulette 2012 but alas all others I’d do again…

I joke sometimes and think that growing up, I didn’t have any choices, I felt as if my parents had my life planned out for me…I think that worked up until I turned 18 and then things went array…I’m sure they lost sleep over the next few years…as my brother worked like a dog to get through his educational endeavour, my sister and I struggled to “find ourselves” – now I think I found myself quicker cause my sister, at points along the way wanted to be a helicopter pilot, a Buddhist, a professional snow boarder and the list goes on but she kept mom and dad pretty busy with their worry, cause this plan of hers changed each Sunday night at dinner…with my brother settling into his career path, my sister changing hers weekly, I think I floated along for a few years…I trust that my folks knew I’d come around…but I’m sure as they lay in bed at night they thought “is tomorrow the day she wakes up and decides”…

I did wake up and I did decide…but sometimes I lay awake at night and think how did I get here…how did my choices lead me to this place called contentment…and do others feel this…

I define contentment as waking daily with a clear mind, a do to list and a desire to be back to the exact same place tomorrow morning…my life is pleasurable and gratifying…why, you may ask…I’m not sure – that’s not a lie, I can’t put into words the contentment I feel about where and who I am…oh sure I get frustrated, stressed and angry at times…hell I yelled at a lady in a coffee shop line up today – well she was and I quote “burning me” as the hot coffee dripped down my hand…but those feelings are fleeting emotions, reactive to a situation, a moment in time…but at the end of the day, when I put the key in the door to my house, I breathe in contentment…

I often wonder how others define contentment…I often wonder if others would make the same choices they did in the past…I was at a store recently and the guy asked me, “if there was one thing you could change about your face, what would it be”…i answered “this damn oily complexion” – he responded “girl, we may be oily but we’ll never age, embrace that glow, live that glow, people pay for that glow”…I chuckled and now use it as a mantra…

I’d like to ask my 80year old future self, “if there was one thing you could change about your life, what would it be”…I hope and pray I’d answer “nothing”…

choices….7 little letters spelling out a word that will carve the path of our lives…the possibilities that could come with the choices…oh the possibilities…

in my dream, I’m a mom…in my reality, I’m a mom…the difference between those two statements was my choice…i choose to believe in myself and trust in my ability to choose wisely…if I do not choose wisely, I learn…

if we don’t let others make their own choices, we take away their ability to succeed and more importantly their ability to learn…that’s what my parents taught me…they taught me to celebrate my achievements and embrace my failures, pull up my socks and go again…they taught me the greatest lesson in life – the lesson of choice…

i may not have had the chance to choose where i was born, who my parents are, what gender or race i am, or what rung of the ladder i’m on, but i do get to choose who i am despite the above…

like my lilac tree, I’m grounded and I’m growing…and as I’m growing my dreams are intertwined with my reality…and I love it…

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2 thoughts on “choices…7simple letters…

  1. The mention of “pulling up your socks” had me remembering a little girl kicking up her heels to the rhythm of the Irish ballad ‘Red Haired Mary’, how we’d laugh as you’d tried to keep your socks perfectly aligned at the knees without missing a beat. Our beautiful Dancer, all grown up and no less determined, acknowledging life has its own rhythm and accepting that its pattern simply differs for each of us.

    Liked by 1 person

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