feeling is good, right…

my mother once said to me “there are two things in this world that I would never have guessed, one of them being _______________ and the second you getting a dog” – as for the first, yah keep guessing, I’m not sharing that hogan secret…

as for the second…sooo true…my sister jokes at times that when I first met her lil pup, I literally petted him with one finger, one swoop over the head and said “hey there” and walked away…fast forward to today and sweet baby jesus am I addicted…I’m that person, the person 2012 joey would make fun of, the person 2007 joey would slap in the face if they said “i gotta pick up the pup at daycare so I can’t meet for supper”…yup, daycare – 2014 joey is a doggy daycare, doggy park, can’t leave my house for more than a 4hour span, rather sit on my patio and watch my pup practice combat training than head to a patio for drinks, 4legged lover…oh how times have changed…

my sister asked me once, can you remember not having finn? to which I responded, “fuck yahhhh – I had a life”…and then I giggled and said “but I love this life better…a dog, a feckin dog, who knew, seriously who knew…yah I may stay at home more, talk to my dog more, wash my sheets more – he’s a drooler, vacuum more – he’s a sheddin son of a b, but I also play more, laugh louder, smile more, make decisions for me more, enjoy my house more and overall reflect more…

the pup I met way back in march 2013 was officially named finn…the day I took him home, I stared at him and literally, no joke said “dude I own you, what the fuck”…the first day he cuddled me and fell asleep in my arms, I stared at him and literally, no joke said “dude, I own you, what the fuck” and the first day he started biting the shit out of my hands, eating my furniture and waking me at 6am, I said “fuck I fucking own you, what the fuck did I do”….he’s name is finn – he too has many names, finny, finny mcginsters, finnsters, mister fin, finny maginn, and dad’s fave big john…the lil face that changed danilynn – oh yah, I go by that name too…lol lol…

to all the 2, 3, and 4 legged lovers I made fun of all those years, you don’t know who you are cause I did it behind your backs, like a true friend – I eat my words…getting a dog completed my family – I actually own something that depends on me, I mean I own a lot of material things, but I don’t have to feed my purses, I don’t have to make sure my shoes have medicine when they’re sick and I don’t have to make sure my jewelry gets fresh water in the morning…

family has so many meanings in this ever changing world, I have friends from all walks of life, I have friends living all over the world and I have friends from varying family units…family unit, such a weird word…when I was going to school a family meant a mom, a dad and kids – in mine there were three kids…as I got older, I met people who were raised by a single parent, I met people living in different houses on opposite weeks, I met people who had nothing to do with their parents or siblings, I met people who had gone through losing a parent…as my world grew and the people in it shared their stories, I seriously thought, wow how did they do it without a full family to support them…I think I grew up in smurf land, where I dreamt of sugarplums and candy canes every night…man was I naïve and man was I spoiled and man was I lucky…a family – I thought I’d have the same family…I dreamt of marrying and having kids cause that’s the next step in life to have a family – boy meets girl, boy kisses girl, girl falls in love and then comes baby in a baby carriage…my story kinda went boy meets girl, boy kisses girl, girl falls in love and then boy says fuck you, I’m out…well not like that but it’s my blog, so it’s my story…

my story is like a lot of stories, it’s different…I carved out a life for myself late in life…I gave up on the happy ever after in the fairy tales and I got drunk…like real drunk…like rockstar don’t give a fuck about anything life…it’s fan-tabulous really…until you wake up one morning and think well now, that happy ever after for reals ain’t happenin…age has never really affected me and then something happened at 41 – I found a lump, convinced myself I was gonna die and thought well now that sucks – bit dramatic but the truth…didn’t even tell my folks, left that to my squealing lil sis…see I don’t like to worry people about me, I’d rather dream up the worst stories in my head and be silent for others…42 – forced to make a decision about some womanly things, which I will not bore you with but basically was told, decide now whether you want kids cause if this happens, there will be no decision – well now that sucks, bit dramatic but the truth…not that at this age, I want kids, but having a procedure that takes away the option is pretty damn hard to swallow…

42 going on 43 – spent Christmas on my own this year, what you ask, how was that? It really, truly, truly, really, really sucked…see Christmas to me is about family, well food and family…it’s so magical, I still sleep at my folks place, I still sleep in and I still wait for my folks, well santa, to hide the presents for Christmas morning…last year, my folks decided to go spend it with the grandkids and my sister, spent it with her partner…I, at 42 going on 43, thought, hell’s I can do this…well now…talk about family…don’t get me wrong, I was invited places for meals and to spend quality time with my extended family, but I politely declined as I didn’t want to impose on others…I decided, this is a look into my future, a future with my own family at holiday time…me and lil finnsters…well his stocking was stuffed by santa and by friends…friends that weren’t invited in but rather knew I needed human contact…friends that knocked so lovingly on my door Christmas eve with bags full of presents and liquor – they knew I needed liquor…

I thought I was strong, hell I would have bet money that I was one of the strongest people on this earth, sadly I would have lost that money…christmas eve was not magical, I admit it was lonely…Christmas day, well lets not even go there – I shovelled, cause last winter sucked ass, I cooked a pound of bacon and I cried…my family unit was broken before I was ready…I demand a lot of my friends and family – but I realize I demand in silence…I’m not writing this for pity, or for comfort from others…I’m writing this to say that experiencing loneliness, silence and sadness is okay…I had no reason to be sad, my family is alive and well…lonely sure, lonely is an emotion that I’m not familiar with…i have to say it was the first time that I actually felt the emotion whole heartedly…it gave me a better understanding of how others feel on a daily basis…it gave me a better appreciation for my family, my parents and my siblings and it gave me a new appreciation for what makes me happy…the lesson I learned is that others yearn for the family I have but yet others have no concept of the family I have…

the first definition of family that comes up in a google search is “a group consisting of parents and children living together in a household”…in that definition, I have no family…I am what the dictionary defines as a spinster “an older woman who have never been married or never had children. To be a spinster, a woman must be approaching or past the age of menopause without having ever formed a human pair bond. For instance, 40-year-old, never married mothers are not spinsters. But a single, never married, childless, 40-year-old woman may be considered a spinster”…well put that in your pipe and smoke it…I giggle at these terms but I take insult to the fact that my house is not considered a home and my lil life is not considered a family unit…by definition that is…

it’s about time the concept of families change both in our minds and in our definitions…men and women choose not to marry for varying reasons, men and women choose pets over children for varying reasons – why are these units not considered families…I call bullshit…men choose men and women choose women as life partners – why are these units not considered families…I call bullshit…

a friend sent me this quote recently “I think there is something beautiful in revelling in sadness. The proof is how beautiful sad songs can be. So I don’t think being sad is to be avoided. It’s apathy and boredom you want to avoid. But feeling anything is good, I think. Maybe that’s sadistic of me” Joseph Gordon-Lewitt – I struggle with feelings that aren’t happy…I can listen to others feelings and offer what I think is sound advice, but this year, 43 going on 44 year, I’m open to feeling – cause I do believe feeling is good…I’m attempting to practice what I preach – lets try it together…

my mother added a third thing to her list of things in this world that she would never have guessed – nanettedaniellehogan.wordpress.com – love surprising her, I do…

 

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