leggings made me fat…

I truly believe this, I say with a wide smile…I wrote this as a facebook status a while ago as a means to divulge that I know a grown woman should wear pants with a zipper and button, at least a couple of times a week…so I packed away my leggings into the back of the closet and I put on a pair of my jeans, jeans I had worn numerous times many months ago…I got them to my knee and thought “I fucking shrank my favorite jeans” and then I thought again and realized, in my father’s words “fuckin fuck”…if you’re not reading between the lines, the jeans didn’t shrink, I grew…but growing at my age isn’t called a growth spurt, it’s call – beotch, stop saying yes when the waitress asks ‘fries with that’…

as you can imagine, my once fat jeans have now become my goal jeans…its not a secret that I’ve always struggled with my weight, but it’s always been somewhat shameful for me and I don’t know why shame is associated with how one looks…back in the day, I sound like my folks, but back in the day, there were no gyms, no boot camps, no 6day/week workout regimes, now a days you can’t have a conversation with someone without hearing about what they’ve done that day…it’s almost like a validation that I’ve worked out today, have you?…i did it too, my statuses, my friends, my routine, my sleep and my meals were dependent on that hour I devoted to the gym….i even turned into the 6am girl, showering at the gym girl…this lasted a while and then it stopped…

I’ve tried so many things in my life when it comes to weight loss, workouts, diets – if I didn’t love food so much I think I’d even try starving myself – don’t freak out, yes I said it…I ended up learning how to count points enough so I could drink my face off on a Friday night…I learned if I didn’t eat for a day and a half I could have movie popcorn (jesus I love that stuff)…I learned I loved heavy lifting, I learned I loved feeling lean, but I also learned that I don’t have the stamina to maintain…when I’m good, fuck I’m good…but when I’m off, I’m super off…

I have amazing, brilliant friends in the health and wellness field, I’m an intelligent woman, I know what I gotta do…I preach balance in my work, I just don’t live a healthy balance…I live a balance that makes sense to me right now – I live a balance that works for me right now…I had a conversation with my sister at one point and said, “dude, I’m tired of the Monday starts, can’t I just be fat and walk my dog”…she laughed and said, you gotta write a blog…lol lol lol…here I am…and why can’t I just walk my fucking dog, I hate big gyms, always have – I took a leap a few years ago and loved it, but alas something went array and it impacted my ability to open that door again…I feel emotion, i feel emotion quite strongly…my emotions are raw and when you fuck with my emotions, you’re out…I hold grudges, its not an attractive quality of mine, but I hold them hard…i even hold grudges with myself, i don’t discriminate…lol lol…

working out is an amazing feeling but it shouldn’t be something forced…when it’s forced, it doesn’t work – I’m living proof of that…what I’ve decided is that I need to be happy with who I am, right now in the present…does it mean I need to buy a bigger size, who gives a fuck…I wear my clothes the right way, with no tags (or private regions) showing, so it’s only me who could be hung up on a size…so funny how we get so caught up in the physical aspect of our selves and forget that the people we should surround ourselves with, are the people who see no size…don’t get me wrong, I want to be healthy, but that’s another blog in itself…I truly believe you can be healthy in many ways – right now, I need to be mentally healthy, that’s my priority…with that said, I’m also not stupid, I need not to be out of breath climbing my own stair case – so I’m gonna stick with walking my dog…it makes me feel at home!

i watched a video today and the intro stated that it’s makers were interested in how individual style really comes from within…here’s an excerpt from the transcript of what really clarified how I feel about my body, my image and overall my sense of home…

“I am so all over the place and I have so many hobbies and such a massive diversity of interests and my whole life is ruled by all these crazy stimuli and I’m all over the place and I’m just so easily influenced. And I’ve been an actress, and a writer, and I’ve done film, I’ve done costuming. And I’ve been in a band, I’ve been in this other band, and I have relationships and I do all these crazy stuff. Right now, I don’t even have a place to live, I sleep on my friends’ floors. And I’m travelling all over the country and this band is about to start travelling all over the world. And I don’t deal well with chaos and there’s always crazy stuff going on. So in my body is a good place to be because functionally speaking, I know at the end of the day that it’s the only home I’ve ever had and it’s the only home I ever will have. So no matter how much I argue with it, at the end of the day I need to treat it like my home. And home is where you’re supposed to feel the safest and home is where love happens and home is where you’re supposed to feel best about yourself. And welcome home”

when I watched the video, i was intrigued by the use of the word body as our home – it just made sense to me…I know I’m not the only one in this world struggling with body image, balance, and the multitude of meanings for home…but try to pinpoint what home is for you…it kinda grounded me – the simplicity of it…home isn’t a house, a building, a partnership, a street, province, or state – its me, you and our bodies…well just wow…my search has narrowed cause I actually carry my home with me everywhere I go…now to embrace it, in the present and stop anticipating that tomorrow will be better, will be thinner, will eat better, will drink more water, will workout harder – do what makes your home happy today, for some of us, there will be no tomorrow…for some of us, today will be our best day…

i love my style and i love my home…what are you going to do for your ‘home’ today – i’m gonna go walk my lil monster of a dog, wearing size ‘none of your effin business’ leggings, cause damn they’re comfy…

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