my time stamp reads 8:25am…

as i fell in love today at first sight with a brand new, 6 day old human, i can’t help to think, how my folks felt when they saw me for the first time…now my mother was unfortunately out of it at the time of my birth – my father, i can only imagine was a state, after being asked by the doctor “sir, who will we save, your wife or the baby” – my father is adamant he yelled “for fucks sake, save them both you cocksucker”…i, to this day, think he probably yelled “rotch, don’t leave me, we can get another kid” followed with a “fuckin fuck” and a kick to the nearest chair or wall in his pathway at St. Clare’s…but i’ll stick with the “save them both” story – makes me feel better…

i can’t imagine what goes through a parent’s mind when they look at the lil itty bitty thing that they created…i look at first pics, i’ve seen those birthing shows and seen the videos of the docs passing the baby to the mothers and there’s a common, almost mystical, magical glimmer in their eyes…its amazing, its breath taking and its absolutely fascinating to me…in my mind, i feel that the parents almost stop breathing for a split second, it’s as if the world stands still at that time stamp on the ankle id bracelet…

my world standing still moment doesn’t include me pushing something through my va-jay-jay…it doesn’t include my adoring husband, standing over me, staring into my eyes and thinking, you are the most beautiful thing to me…it doesn’t include a tiny ankle id bracelet with a time stamp…in my younger years, i yearned for that feeling, that growing, that expansion of me and my new family, holding onto that ankle id bracelet as a memory of the most wonderful day of my life…it just never happened, for many reasons – too many to write here, too many to share…i heard through the grapevine one day that a co-worker asked another co-worker of mine, if i were gay? my co-worker answered with a giggle and said why would you ask that – the answer, cause she’s single…now i have to state that i am all about equal rights, i see no color, no gender, no sexual orientation in this world – just ignorance…but i’m not gay, nothing wrong with that, i just ain’t…but to think in this ever growing world, because a 40 something year old never married, working woman is single, must mean there’s something different going on…bitch please…

why oh why are others more concerned about what happens in others lives more so than their own…starting this blog is cathartic for me…i don’t particularly enjoy sharing…i don’t enjoy talking about my self, my goals, my aspirations, my desires, my hopes and my dreams with others cause i don’t have others that are on that path with me, holding my hand, lying with me at night and waking up with me in the morning…what i do have is great friends and an absolutely amazing family…sharing to me on a personal level equates disappointment – it’s like applying for a job, getting interviewed, references checked and than BAM – no offer…having people constantly ask me, “did you hear anything”, “did you hear anything”, “did you hear anything” drives me near insane…is this common – have no effin clue…is it my reaction to a caring friend or family member politely inquiring – yes…

i’m super weird, i get it…but i hate sharing…stating that makes me giggle…i think, in my younger days, sharing dreams, aspirations and goals was downplayed, put on the back burner and never talked about – aka crappy ass relationship really fucked me up…did I talk about it…hells no…why now? i feel ready, ready to write – write, funny enough and not talk…so yah i’ll stick with years of feeling defeated and going no where while the world progressed is the culprit of truly fucking me up…

we all have that a-ha moment where we think, sweet baby jesus that was me…the year was 19 blah-ty blah and i thought wtf am i gonna do…my life is over – i was 27, naïve, broke, living with my folks, still dealing with the death of my best friend, something i’ve never talked about without tears in my eyes and being told i would never amount to anything…as i sat in my childhood bedroom (well it was my adulthood bedroom cause i shared a twin bed with my younger sister of 7years till i was 19, but that’s another post…lol lol), i thought seriously dudette, you suck…

feeling like you suck, sucks…so i picked my sorry ass up and turned my years of fuckery into years of awesomeness…i regret nothing in life, every day, every tear, every smile, every hug, every just every thing, is what makes us who we are…the worst days of my life sometimes turns into the best outcomes of my life…i’ve come to believe i have a purpose in this life…i was given the opportunity to reinvent who i was meant to be, as my parents stared into my tiny eyes at that 8:25am time stamp moment many years ago, i’m sure they had aspirations and dreams for me…have i fulfilled them – well i hope i have – i turned into a passionate, your best friend/worst enemy type of workaholic with a house that is afraid of water and a dog that shits bigger than a horse but with a heart i proudly wear on my sleeve, the sleeve I bought with my hard earned money…

work hard, play hard is kinda of my mantra…a little voice in my head keeps warning me “you’re burning yourself out” – damn straight I am…but somehow my body and my mind are two completely different ages…i was always the “yes person” – I’d say with a smile, yes, oh my goodness yes – that’s when I was when i was in my 30’s…my 40’s are a lil different, I’ve entered the more “bitch please” phase of my life…I think my friends and family, through the years, have struggled more with the words and phrases – “no thanks”, “really not in the mood” coming from my mouth, than I have struggled entering the age that I’m now closer to 50 than being a wife or mother or millionaire…

as people’s lives change, I think a lot of them forget that others are just on a completely different pathway…pathways aren’t always meant to cross – maybe compliment, indeed diverge, but unfortunately sometimes sever …I’m not afraid of separation, I’m not afraid of divorce, talking in the sense of the people in my life…I keep the people I need in my world…I learned many many moons ago that the negativity of those around me, really impacts me on a much deeper level than I’m willing to sacrifice…sounds kinda mean doesn’t it…well it is but alas it’s what I gotta do to keep myself grounded…

the time stamp on my id ankle bracelet was 8:25am – my life started at that exact moment, i took my first breathe outta womb at that exact moment, i became a daughter, granddaughter, niece and cousin at that exact moment…what i am now happened between 8:26am on the 19th day of april 1971 and 10:46pm on the 24th of july 2014…time’s a ticking…live it well…

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10 thoughts on “my time stamp reads 8:25am…

  1. You are your parents child girl, Mom and Daddy are written all over that and I love it keep her coming . By the way you all have writing talent. If this is a book can’t wait for the next chapter lol

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  2. (you are making the robot tear up) My heart melted throughout that post…what a beautiful way to express so many major things. I am so very thankful you are finding your words. They are wonderful, courageous and completely sincere in their delivery. I love it and I love you. All of you (the bitch please and all).

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  3. OMG !!!! I laughed out loud at the daddy moments (I sure picked a good one,yes?), I shed a fresh tear for Juanita (whoever said ‘time heals all’ is full of it )…It’s taken a while, but, voila’!!! Raw , Unplugged, Brave. Have I told you lately that I love you????

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